Generally I’m more of an observer and a listener than the person who actually speaks. I never blog, and NEVER talk to anyone about how unhappy I really am. But I need a listener for a change – an unbiased, unjudgemental listener. My life has been a traumatic mess, and has created in me an emotional, unstable, and lost little girl. At the same time, I am a very logical and sensible person, and I realize that dwelling on things (especially things from the past) is unhealthy, and probably a part of the reason I’m so miserable. These 2 people argue in my brain – the voice that tells me I’m useless and unworthy, that I should die, and the voice that tells me that every day I have a choice to be and to do something different. Then what remains of me is staring at the grey area in between (because as straightforward as picking a side in this battle may seem, there’s ALOT of grey), stuck in the middle looking at both my sides of thought, confused, alone, and very, very sad. I fight every day to get motivation to do anything, and to come up with reasons to not end my life. And going through this every day is making me nuts. I found this website a couple months ago and have been reading alot of the blogs and posts. Every time I feel I’m at the end, I come here and I can see how much people just like me suffer, and how many of you bond together in an effort to support one another. The kind of support that can only come from other depressed, traumatized, and suicidal people. I know most suicidal people (myself included) don’t really want to die, they just want to be happy. Isn’t that what everyone wants out of life? To be content and happy? And to not have so much pressure on ourselves? This website gives me a glimmer of hope, which is why I’ve broken my silence in an effort to not only help, but to hopefully be helped.
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I feel the same way you do, although I am a better talker than listener. I just don’t talk about how I really feel. I keep that all inside. I have that same exact argument in my head too. You’re not alone.
We’re glad you’re here. I feel the exact same way…struggling to keep my head above water. We can help each other. I’m here if you need to talk. We all need to be happy…we all deserve it. Don’t listen to that voice that tells you to die…it’s a liar. Fight if you can…every day is a battle. We can fight it together.
Thanks, it’s so much easier when you know there’s people who feel the same way and who’ve got your back and support you, even if they have no clue who you are :)… and of course it goes both ways, we are united by a common goal : trying to survive
@ someone to talk to….my “battle in my brain” is the post previous to yours. You can kind of see how I go back and forth with my thoughts…and how I battle it out with myself.
@ Zacurious… I actually did read it and I commented, but apparently my comment is “awaiting moderation” or something? wtf? Lol
I wrote two posts on here a while back about this kind of brain battle;
the Voice
the Watcher
When you say you have two voices in your head. Wonder which is the real you?
What if you’re not even a voice but something else?
Someone_to_talk_to, I know how you feel, it’s not easy to find someone who understand if you care to talk i will listen, im not judgemental, and believe me i’m broken as well but I can listen. If you want you can email me at fenmrks@yahoo.com
@ someone to talk to: Yes…I just read it. I had to “approve” it (sorry). Thanks for kind words you said. It means a lot to know there is someone here to listen and know/understand what I’m saying.
@ the Guardian – TOTALLY! I have no idea who I am. and I question it every day. I have really awesome, exciting and fun dreams most of the time (I think it’s my brain’s way of protecting me and giving me an escape) and I often wonder if maybe thats my real life and THIS is all one giant, shitty nightmare… I’m going to read your posts now 🙂
@ zacurious – no problem, I really really do understand.. I’m always wondering if my son wouldn’t be just way better off without my negative influence on his life.. people always say that their children give them a reason to live, and I feel SO guilty that I feel like mine has just given me one more reason to die because I’m not good enough…
Yep…you got it. I should have 3 reasons to stay, but I know I’m not good enough for them. I’m not doing a good job. I know what it’s like to not have my mom around, but I’m an adult. I don’t know what they would think growing up without me. I wouldn’t want them to blame themselves….or miss out on what they think life would have been like with me around. So yea I know…3 reasons to live and 3 more reasons to die.
Here’s the deal…you’re experiencing the consequences of ‘split energy’ On one hand you want great things to happen, you’re a good person but you’re experience is not adding up to what you want to experience so there’s a split. That’s the two part thing.
You need to line up with choosing that nothing is more important than, that you feel good!…period. You have to choose feeling good…you have to want it and no you deserve it no matter what..not rationalizing or explaining anything.
Once you’ve done that choose to remain in your physical body and feel good living your life, going with the flow, or choose to feel good by lining up with being non physical or choosing to end your physical existence….otherwise you’ll continue the brain battle and get nowhere. You need to make a decision to feel good, and decide if you’ll be here or not here. But line up with one or the other. So when you stay in the middle going back n’ forth between the two states of awareness, just know you’re experiencing the consequences of split energy…knowing this should be of help. It’s common. Choose to think and feel think things that allow you to feel good about you! Cheers!