I am NOT a fuck up. I do care. I care so fucking much. I know I don’t have scars on the outside, but inside I’m torn to shreds. Don’t you dare say you understand. NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. I will not be dropping out of school. I will not be failing. Will you all just stop talking about it please and let me be alone?
Yes, my grades are absolute and complete shit. I realize that. No I don’t know how I’ll get them up, but will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?! Okay, I need help, I realize that. But I don’t need you. I need a fucking blade or something. If you gave me a blade, than I wouldn’t have to bother you anymore with my shit. If I had a blade than I wouldn’t have to deal with any of your shit anymore.
I really don’t give a fuck what you have to say or what your problems are. I don’t care that you don’t have a date to prom or that you have work in the morning tomorrow. I was rejected twice to prom. I’ve been missing first hour every day last week because I can’t get enough sleep. I can seriously sleep for 12 hours straight and be tired two hours later. I think I’m dying, but I don’t know why.
I want to cry right now, but crying would just make me feel more pathetic. I stayed up late last night trying to save someones life. Someone I didn’t know. It’s what I do, but I don’t know why. I’m the one that needs help. I need to go off to a clinic, because if what I thought about actually happened I would be dead seven times.
“Oh, I know how you feel. I know what it’s like to be depressed.” Shut up you fucking whore. You have no idea what it feels like to be me. I’m a fucking mess. I want to fucking die.
…but then again I don’t.
I want to grow up and be a teacher and a writer. I want to change peoples lives, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how I can change peoples lives when I can’t even save my own.
I’m never going to amount to anything. I’m never going to be able to do anything and it’s all because of you. I fucking hate you. I want to go to bed and never wake up every night, but I don’t. For some reason my fucking heart keeps beating. I don’t know why. You’ve completely destroyed me. I am not nearly the person I was. I don’t even know who I am.
I want to die.
I want to cut.
I want a cigarette laced with something lethal.
I want to go to the hospital and cry until someone pry’s what is wrong out of me.
I want to just be done with all this fucking shit.
Goddam. Mother will you shut the fuck up? You too dad. My room will be what my room is. My grades are what they are. I will not be taking the GED, I will not be going to community college or changing high schools. I’m not going to be any of that. I’m going to find a way to pass this year and that will be that.
and you know what? FUCK YOU DR. LEE. I dislike you the most. You say you’re there for me, and you say that you’ll help me and shit. But no. You aren’t there. You play fucking favorites. You do something to make my parents happy, but you don’t care about me. You wouldn’t care if I showed you what I write, or how I cry at night. You wouldn’t care unless I went to a crazy hospital like her. Thats the only thing that will make you fucking care, is if I were shipped off.
I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I should just be another suicide statistic. I don’t have a bright future.
Thanks for reading, but I’m going to take that knife to my skin now. Have a nice life.
7 comments
I know alot of people claim to understand and don’t but ironically alot of people say nobody understands me and those people probably have the same problems. Also obviously I don’t understand you because you didn’t even say what your problems are, or is this a frustration vent?
I can feel the anger for mom and dad (lots f mom!) you are a good writer.
But who is dr Lee?
How does he fit in?
Dr. Lee is my principle. Sorry I didn’t explain that. This was kind of a rant. And I have too many fucking problems.
Ok now I get it.
Dr Lee is probably always going to be on your parents side.
Somehow, someway, all your feelings of anger need to go somewhere, hopefully in a safe way.
Hah.. I like your attitude. It’s refreshing.
Problems happen because life is unfair. Looks like you are good writer, knows what u will not be doing, knows what you want to do. You have a fire in you. Use what you have to fight the unfairness of life.
“I think I’m dying, but I don’t know why.” Exactly what I’m going through right now.
What you wrote there, all the angst and honesty, broke me. Reading your post feels like I’m rapping an Eminem song. Too intense, too genuine, too full of shit I can relate to. We may not have the same disappointments and failures, but like you, life makes me want to spit out all the curse words I know.
I don’t know you, but your post made me feel less alone. I hope that you come back on this side of the world soon.