I just don’t want to be here anymore..

I doubt anyone would take a look at this. But I have no one else to turn to. I have screwed up my life so tremendously, I feel that I have no other choice but to kill myself. My boyfriend, the one whom I love more than life itself, saw that I was texting my ex. I was just texting him to see how he was doing, but my bf had told me explicitly that he didn’t want me talking to him. Now he is calling me a liar and that I’m going to regret ever lying to him. I don’t know what he’s going to do; post pictures of me, tell my family about what I have done with him; I don’t know. I haven’t been completely honest with him before about my history, which is why he is so upset. I feel horrible, like trash, like a dirty slut and whore. I wish I had never been born. I want to kill myself, because I am so tired of life, of disappointing others, of not living to other’s expectations. I’m so tired of putting up this facade just to placate those around me. I wish I could escape and not have these people pestering me all the time. I hate myself; for being the complacent one, the one who never stands up for herself, the one who is always getting stepped on and manipulated. I want to die, but I can’t find the courage to take away the life my mother tried so hard to create. I wish I can somehow just cease to exist, and I won’t have to think about the consequences. I hate myself so much, and I hate him for making me feel this way. I didn’t know he was like that. I wouldn’t have dreamed that he would be one to threaten me like that. Everyone will know how messed up you are, he said. It seems like I am always making the same mistakes and never learning from them. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am just waiting to see what will happen.