Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that long hug she gave me when I first walked up to her. Everything went perfectly that night. We hung out again a couple weeks later when I met her parents. They loved me. She showed me around the house, we walked into the back yard, it was there where I kissed her for the first time. I knew I was falling for her.
About a week later, her dad asked me to help him out, he needed somebody to help load, unload, and set up equipment for him and his band. Without even thinking, I said yes. I love helping people whenever I can. His band was to play at a wedding that evening, and his daughter (my girlfriend) was the drummer. That was a day I will always remember. That was the day that I completely fell in love with her. I remember sitting right there on stage with her the whole time. I never left her side. She even sang a song, her angelic voice was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. When the band would take a break from their set list, she would come down from her drums and sit right next to me. We held hands the entire time, I knew she was the one for me. I completely fell in love with her. I even remember thinking to myself, “I will never forgive myself if I screw this relationship up”. Even on the hour long car ride, we held hands. I knew that God shined his light on me when I was with her.
The next best memory I have of her is Halloween night 2010. Her dad’s band was to play a show on the beach, and they needed me once again to help load and set up equipment. I immediately said yes, and this trip was going to be a two day trip. I would get to spend the weekend on the beach with the most amazing girl in the world. I was ecstatic! Once again, everything went well, I sat on stage with her the entire time, and holding her during breaks. It was a chilly night, so I let her wear my red hoodie, luckily I packed an extra sweater for myself! She had that read hoodie throughout our entire relationship. I have it back now =(. Anyway after the show, me and her walked the beach a little that night, we kissed under the stars with the waves crashing in the back ground. It was a really romantic setting, we even stared at the moon for a while. We went back to the beach house, her and I shared two separate rooms  as she was with family. That didn’t bother me at all, I was so very grateful given the chance to even be on this trip. The next morning, me and her walked the beach again, holding hands the entire time. Her mom took some wonderful pictures of us walking the beach together. I cherish each and every one of them. We headed back home in the early afternoon, her and I holding hands in the car again. She even fell asleep in my arms during the car ride.
The next year and a half  of our relationship was ok.  We have had so many wonderful memories together in that time. Ones that I will never forget. Ones that I wish would never end. I just started acting stupid and was doing a lot of changing, and not really in a good way. I hate myself for what I have done. Helping out her dad’s band inspired me to spend much more time in my own band that with my beautiful girlfriend. I was laid off from my job, I hated it anyway, but I got paid pretty good from it. Anyway I was just so focused on recording songs, playing shows, that I put off spending time with her, and getting a new job. I had no money, I had a couple side jobs that I would do to pay for gas, but I would still try to go to her house every day to see her and spend time with her. I loved her with all my heart, but I was just so focused on music, it clouded my mind. Instead of buying guitars and music crap, I should have been taking her out on real dates, out to eat and a nice restaurant, buying her bouquets of  flowers on our one year anniversary. But I didn’t. Instead I stayed focused on music. I was a terrible excuse for a boyfriend. But it gets worse. I did something you should never, ever do in a relationship, and for that reason, I am where I am now.
A few months ago, me and a friend of mine got in an argument. I don’t really remember what it was about, but I hate losing friends, so I went to her job to make it up to her. Big mistake! She was working the night shift, she got off at like midnight. She asked if I could follow her home to make sure she got there safely, so I said yes. Then I walked her to her door as she lived in an apartment complex and I just wanted to make sure she got there safely. Then she invited me in, and long story short…I did two things I promised my beautiful girlfriend I would never do. I got drunk, and I cheated. Twice.
It kills me to think about. I have been repressing those memories for months now. I don’t want to remember what happened, I just know that my stupidity ruined my relationship and my life. After that situation happened, the “friend” told my girlfriend, and well, you can guess what happened next.
It has been a little over a month now since me and her have broken up. Every day I wake up wishing I was dead. I have genuinely changed. I have no intention of dating or seeing anybody else. I hate myself so much for what I have done. Luckily I have had two close friends stick by my side through this past month, but I am pushing them away because all I talk about is my ex. I can’t help it. She is ALWAYS on my mind. I keep myself busy, and just out of nowhere, she pops up in my head and I get really depressed. I don’t think there is any hope for me and her getting back together, and because of that, I don’t want to live anymore. I have tried moving on, there are about two or three other girls that like me, so I tried talking to one of them. But I just couldn’t do it. My ex was on my mind the entire time. I am devoted to her. I have completely given up on music since that was a major factor in the break up, and I swear on my life that I will never drink or cheat again. I can’t date anyone else, I’ve tried. She is the only girl in this world that I want. I would walk to the ends of the earth for her. I would die for her.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to wake up every day. I pray to God to take my life and give it to somebody who would cherish it. I’ve been praying to God for forgiveness and to help give me strength to get my beautiful girlfriend back. But nothing happens. I think I am losing my religion. I’ve lost almost all of my friends, and I’m pushing my two best friends away by being depressed. I can’t change the way I feel about her, I love her with all my heart. She has no idea of the pain I have been going through. I can’t really tell her either as it would probably push her away for good. There are only two people who can save me now. My ex, or Death. Right now, Death seem like the more reasonable choice. I already have it all planned out. I know who I want to leave my belongings to.
Time heals all wounds…that is b/s. Sorry but all time has done for me is making me more miserable and suicidal. My friends are telling me to just move on and forget about her, but the thing is, I just CAN’T. I love that girl with every ounce of my heart and soul, and I always will no matter what. My birthday was a couple days ago, the sad thing was, only like 3 people showed up, and my ex didn’t even send me a text or an email saying Happy Birthday. That really hurt. But I’m still in love with her.
So that is the story of the beautiful young couple who had it all, and lost it because I was a stupid, pathetic, worthless excuse for a boyfriend. I just turned 21, and she is about to be 18. Kate, baby I love you with all my heart. Never doubt that babe. I’m sorry for everything I have done. You are my life, you mean more to me than anyone, or anything in this world love. I can’t live without you. I have changed my life for you, but knowing I can’t have you back in my arms kills me.
I will always love you Kate, you are my everything. I’m sorry for being a complete jerk. Given the chance I would take you out to dinner, I already have the place in mind. You don’t have to worry about paying for anything love. I got it. My love for you is endless baby. I’m sorry I was so stupid. I hate myself so much for what I have done. I think about you every day, and dream about you every night. Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life. I love you so much. I love you, and your entire family. They all mean the world to me… and I let everybody down. I still have the wooden heart I made us. You know, the one that I cut in half and cut our initials in. I still have the half of heart with you initials in it, I wear in on a necklace. Everywhere I go, I wear it around my neck. I know you still have my half somewhere. Anyway, I love you so much, and I can’t live without you. Please don’t forget about me baby. I feel the end is coming near. I promised myself I would commit suicide, but I think it’s going to happen soon. I was hoping our love story would have a happy ending, but unfortunately it didn’t, and it’s all my fault. I love you Kate, I love you and only you, and I always will. You still have a very big piece of my heart baby, a piece that can never be filled by anybody else but you. I wish things could be different, I wish you could take me back. But what I did was unforgivable. I know what I did was wrong, and I am suffering the consequences. I lost the love of my life, the beautiful angel that once brightened my life to the fullest extent. I will always love you Kate, never forget that.  Goodbye my love. Goodbye my life.
5 comments
I sympathize with your pain. You made a mistake. You acknowledged it which makes you a good person. You are young, she is even younger. Mistakes happen, you don’t have to sentence yourself to death for a mistake. I am sure Kate has made mistakes in her life also. No mistake is greater than the next, and you deserve a fresh start to know that you learned from that mistake and you are a better person now because of the experience. If Kate cannot see this, that is her loss, not yours.
What you write is so intense that I’m about to cry. She is a very lucky girl to have found someone who loves her this much, really. Your death would make her feel guilty, do you really want to upset her? Hold on a bit more and see what time can do, you are young.
There are a lot of jerks who cheat over and over again, but sure you are NOT one of them, cause you regret now, and there’s a limit for regrets and time to see a bit sunshine. I really hope that she gives you a chance.
Thank you, I was in tears the whole time I was writing it. And reading your comment also put me in tears, in a good way. I really hope she gives me that once chance to prove myself, I know I probably don’t deserve it.
Of course time heals all wounds … but like real flesh and blood wounds … they still leave scars … scars can fade but they never completely disappear . Time softens hurt and pain … but it doesn’t reinstate lost trust – that must be re-earned. Time does not wave a magic wand and remove the mistake from history. We all make mistake. We all must live with the consequences … the question is … did we learn not to repeat the mistake that left the scar … will we touch the hot stove again? … you WILL get another stove, over a lifetime you may get 5 or ten or even more … but ALL stoves will burn you when they’re hot.
hot dawg
Help89, you’re a fool. And so are you, sir.
How would it be HER loss? You need to realize that she does not know this. How badly you know you screwed up and how sorry your ass is. Your sincerity, your feelings, your will to change because of her. Everyone here knows this but HER, who may I remind you, is the ONLY person who needs to understand how you feel.
It’s easy to find someone you love, but finding someone who deeply and truly love you unconditionally is damn near impossible. Especially in a world like this.
Every relationship are based on trust and compromise (but not necessarily sacrifice). Once the bond of trust is broken, the relationship is pretty much over. Wait and be prepared to move on or or die. That’s it. Saying that you are willing change means absolutely nothing. EVERY cheater says this, and does the same damn thing over and over. Hell, this shit over-used it makes me nauseous whenever someone tries to pull this one out again.
You can’t just say that you will change. Show her. Apologize with honesty and sincerity, better yourself and gain back your friends. Nothing worse than a cheater than a pathetic one. With time, she might forgive you. If you have truly changed, that she will notice. If she doesn’t, then my friend, it will be her loss. And the world continues to turn..
If a person lied and broke your trust, would anything they say afterwards be believable to you? If you do tell her, it won’t benefit either of you. She’ll think you’re trying to force her to be with you. “Be with me or I’ll kill myself and make you live with it until the day you die”, is how it’ll sound to her no matter how you put it. IF she does fall for this and be with you, she will hate you for it.
Just shut up and pray that she FINDS and READS this. She’ll either be touched or creep the fuck out.
Suicide? lol Laughable. Everyone can think or plan it, but not everyone can do it.
I’m not really religious, but I’m sure your God would have no use for such a pathetic life such as yours. How selfish are you to try to take your own life because YOU hurt someone? Live, and suffer the consequences. That is the only way you can repent for the sins you have committed. Don’t be a *****.
But seriously though, if what you said is true and you really have changed your ways, I hope she will forgive you. You seem like a nice, guy. Half my heart goes out to you.
Len