Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable. At the very end, is a letter to my love.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that long hug she gave me when I first walked up to her. Everything went perfectly that night. We hung out again a couple weeks later when I met her parents. They loved me. She showed me around the house, we walked into the back yard, it was there where I kissed her for the first time. I knew I was falling for her.
About a week later, her dad asked me to help him out, he needed somebody to help load, unload, and set up equipment for him and his band. Without even thinking, I said yes. I love helping people whenever I can. His band was to play at a wedding that evening, and his daughter (my girlfriend) was the drummer. That was a day I will always remember. That was the day that I completely fell in love with her. I remember sitting right there on stage with her the whole time. I never left her side. She even sang a song, her angelic voice was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. When the band would take a break from their set list, she would come down from her drums and sit right next to me. We held hands the entire time, I knew she was the one for me. I completely fell in love with her. I even remember thinking to myself, “I will never forgive myself if I screw this relationship up”. Even on the hour long car ride, we held hands. I knew that God shined his light on me when I was with her.
The next best memory I have of her is Halloween night 2010. Her dad’s band was to play a show on the beach, and they needed me once again to help load and set up equipment. I immediately said yes, and this trip was going to be a two day trip. I would get to spend the weekend on the beach with the most amazing girl in the world. I was ecstatic! Once again, everything went well, I sat on stage with her the entire time, and holding her during breaks. It was a chilly night, so I let her wear my red hoodie, luckily I packed an extra sweater for myself! She had that read hoodie throughout our entire relationship. I have it back now =(. Anyway after the show, me and her walked the beach a little that night, we kissed under the stars with the waves crashing in the back ground. It was a really romantic setting, we even stared at the moon for a while. We went back to the beach house, her and I shared two separate rooms  as she was with family. That didn’t bother me at all, I was so very grateful given the chance to even be on this trip. The next morning, me and her walked the beach again, holding hands the entire time. Her mom took some wonderful pictures of us walking the beach together. I cherish each and every one of them. We headed back home in the early afternoon, her and I holding hands in the car again. She even fell asleep in my arms during the car ride.
The next year and a half  of our relationship was ok.  We have had so many wonderful memories together in that time. Ones that I will never forget. Ones that I wish would never end. I just started acting stupid and was doing a lot of changing, and not really in a good way. I hate myself for what I have done. Helping out her dad’s band inspired me to spend much more time in my own band that with my beautiful girlfriend. I was laid off from my job, I hated it anyway, but I got paid pretty good from it. Anyway I was just so focused on recording songs, playing shows, that I put off spending time with her, and getting a new job. I had no money, I had a couple side jobs that I would do to pay for gas, but I would still try to go to her house every day to see her and spend time with her. I loved her with all my heart, but I was just so focused on music, it clouded my mind. Instead of buying guitars and music crap, I should have been taking her out on real dates, out to eat and a nice restaurant, buying her bouquets of  flowers on our one year anniversary. But I didn’t. Instead I stayed focused on music. I was a terrible excuse for a boyfriend. But it gets worse. I did something you should never, ever do in a relationship, and for that reason, I am where I am now.
A few months ago, me and a friend of mine got in an argument. I don’t really remember what it was about, but I hate losing friends, so I went to her job to make it up to her. Big mistake! She was working the night shift, she got off at like midnight. She asked if I could follow her home to make sure she got there safely, so I said yes. Then I walked her to her door as she lived in an apartment complex and I just wanted to make sure she got there safely. Then she invited me in, and long story short…I did two things I promised my beautiful girlfriend I would never do. I got drunk, and I cheated. Twice.
It kills me to think about. I have been repressing those memories for months now. I don’t want to remember what happened, I just know that my stupidity ruined my relationship and my life. After that situation happened, the “friend” told my girlfriend, and well, you can guess what happened next.
It has been a little over a month now since me and her have broken up. Every day I wake up wishing I was dead. I have genuinely changed. I have no intention of dating or seeing anybody else. I hate myself so much for what I have done. Luckily I have had two close friends stick by my side through this past month, but I am pushing them away because all I talk about is my ex. I can’t help it. She is ALWAYS on my mind. I keep myself busy, and just out of nowhere, she pops up in my head and I get really depressed. I don’t think there is any hope for me and her getting back together, and because of that, I don’t want to live anymore. I have tried moving on, there are about two or three other girls that like me, so I tried talking to one of them. But I just couldn’t do it. My ex was on my mind the entire time. I am devoted to her. I have completely given up on music since that was a major factor in the break up, and I swear on my life that I will never drink or cheat again. I can’t date anyone else, I’ve tried. She is the only girl in this world that I want. I would walk to the ends of the earth for her. I would die for her.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to wake up every day. I pray to God to take my life and give it to somebody who would cherish it. I’ve been praying to God for forgiveness and to help give me strength to get my beautiful girlfriend back. But nothing happens. I think I am losing my religion. I’ve lost almost all of my friends, and I’m pushing my two best friends away by being depressed. I can’t change the way I feel about her, I love her with all my heart. She has no idea of the pain I have been going through. I can’t really tell her either as it would probably push her away for good. There are only two people who can save me now. My ex, or Death. Right now, Death seem like the more reasonable choice. I already have it all planned out. I know who I want to leave my belongings to.
Time heals all wounds…that is b/s. Sorry but all time has done for me is making me more miserable and suicidal. My friends are telling me to just move on and forget about her, but the thing is, I just CAN’T. I love that girl with every ounce of my heart and soul, and I always will no matter what. My birthday was a couple days ago, the sad thing was, only like 3 people showed up, and my ex didn’t even send me a text or an email saying Happy Birthday. That really hurt. But I’m still in love with her.
So that is the story of the beautiful young couple who had it all, and lost it because I was a stupid, pathetic, worthless excuse for a boyfriend. I just turned 21, and she is about to be 18. Kate, baby I love you with all my heart. Never doubt that babe. I’m sorry for everything I have done. You are my life, you mean more to me than anyone, or anything in this world love. I can’t live without you. I have changed my life for you, but knowing I can’t have you back in my arms kills me.
I will always love you Kate, you are my everything. I’m sorry for being a complete jerk. Given the chance I would take you out to dinner, I already have the place in mind. You don’t have to worry about paying for anything love. I got it. My love for you is endless baby. I’m sorry I was so stupid. I hate myself so much for what I have done. I think about you every day, and dream about you every night. Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life. I love you so much. I love you, and your entire family. They all mean the world to me… and I let everybody down. I still have the wooden heart I made us. You know, the one that I cut in half and cut our initials in. I still have the half of heart with you initials in it, I wear in on a necklace. Everywhere I go, I wear it around my neck. I know you still have my half somewhere. Anyway, I love you so much, and I can’t live without you. Please don’t forget about me baby. I feel the end is coming near. I promised myself I would commit suicide, but I think it’s going to happen soon. I was hoping our love story would have a happy ending, but unfortunately it didn’t, and it’s all my fault. I love you Kate, I love you and only you, and I always will. You still have a very big piece of my heart baby, a piece that can never be filled by anybody else but you. I wish things could be different, I wish you could take me back. I have definitely learned from my mistakes, and I would never betray anybody again. But what I did was unforgivable. I know what I did was wrong, and I am suffering the consequences. I lost the love of my life, the beautiful angel that once brightened my life to the fullest extent. I will always love you Kate, never forget that.  I can feel Death’s cold hand on my shoulder, this pain is too intense to endure. Living without you is like trying to breathe without air. It’s insanely hard to do, and eventually it will kill me. I know you and I were made for each other, Kate.  During our entire year and a half relationship, you and I never argued. Not once. We never fought, we almost agreed on just about everything. I mean sure we did have some disagreements here and there, but we never argued or anything like that. Every day I wake up, hating myself for ruining the love you and I shared. I hate not being able to talk to you, to hold you, and care for you like I used to. Every time you’re sick, or something is wrong, I can feel it. But I can’t do anything about it anymore. And that’s what hurts the most. Knowing that you’re sick, and I can’t help you. I really hope you find happiness Kate. I will never be completely happy without you. I’m sure later in life I may find somebody who makes me happy, but I won’t be completely happy like I was when you were in my life. And I can’t live that way. I can’t live my life knowing that I can never be in your arms again, holding your hand every chance I get, and holding you close to me. I know I can make a life for us that you have only dreamed of.  You are the only girl in this life that I want baby. I can not go on without you. I will do anything for you. I am devoted to you. Sadly, you have moved on, and I am still deeply in love with you. Please take care of yourself Kate. You mean everything to me. Every second that passes, I find myself without you, and closer to Death. Goodbye my love. Goodbye my life. I love you Kate, forever and always baby.
10 comments
If you are in pain imagine the pain you will put her through by taking your life. We all make bad choices…we are human. Please don’t make another one by taking your life. Stay strong and talk to someone around you that you can trust.
I wish you the best…
I can relate, I lost someone I fell more in love with than I thought I ever would. A magical week in hawaii and I fell for her (even though she was married). She wanted me bad, had chased me for months and I gave in, my love was complete. She left her husband, but fat forward 8 months and she left me, for all the same things I hate about myself, she hated.
I can never get over that, will never be able to be near her again.
My life from that very moment was over, I a dead already, just this stupid shell carries on for some reason.
I hope that you are able to heal your pain though. I hope you can go on.
Dude it’s only been a month. I mean, seriously? And you say time doesn’t heal all wounds after only a month? Here’s a thought! Try a year, and then another. There are worse things than breaking up with or losing someone that you love. Believe me on that. So if you’re gonna off yourself or whatever JUST because of that, then I have no respect for you. You say you would die for her? Ya know, that’s a total BS line, because it’s better to LIVE for someone than to DIE for them!! So get your act together and stop being such a damned fool. Your whole “love-sick it’s-the-end-of-the-world” mood pisses me off, so just GET OVER YOURSELF!!!
And no, I don’t have to be nice and say things you want to hear. Cuz for me, that’ just dishonest and sickening.
oK … i’m going to be an asshole here so if you don’t want to read what I have to say please look away now …
You don’t deserve to die … suicide is the easy way out … it’s unfair of you to do that.
why?
don’t you think you own it to kate to PAY for your sins/mistakes? By killing yourself you are cheating on the penalty for violating Kate’s love and trust. No sir … killing yourself would be to cheat on her yet again – something you profess to NEVER do again. The Lord gives us a penance to pay for our sins – we don’t get to renegotiate the terms of that penance … when the penance is paid only then does the Lord forgive us of that sin … but only AFTER the penance is paid … you must pay it … and when it is paid maybe Kate will forgive you … and if you’re truly honest and worthy she may even give you a 2nd chance … but if you die, you can never be forgiven and never be offered a 2nd chance. And since you are not the one who was wronged, you don’t get to decide whether the offence is “unforgivable”
Live … you owe that to her
bad dawg
@ Dawg – agree with your post, EXCEPT…”suicide is the easy way out”
I cannot believe how many times more I can read that and not burst.
Suicide is mostly a deeply desperate attempt at ending the intense pain a person is feeling. To go from the thought (even if it is a deep routed idea/fantasy) of killing yourself and actually acting on it is immense. Having done that 5 times with massive overdoses and been brought back, the action has always been a desperate act, but certainly not the easy way out.
Just my take on it.
@EL – I know what you’re saying but in this context for this very specific case I believe the statement applies … in this case I believe suicide would be his way of “avoiding to take his medicine” … I don’t believe in god or religion either but again, I believe it applies … in this case 😉
skeptic dawg
@EL I’m have to agree with Dawg. And I’m certainly not religious either, but it does apply in this case, and this guy is avoiding the consequences of his actions by contemplating death. And perhaps even going so far as to do it. I also think that a lot of people on here know what suicide is, so you don’t need to spell it out for us. Just saying.
I am an out and out atheist, so no probe there.
In this particular instance I agree on the avoidance of consequences.
Listen Blood, a couple of things I would like to point out.
1. Nothing sounds more sappy and annoying than people who say “babe†and “baby all the time. Edit that shit out asap.
2. It’s pretty selfish of you to try to guilt your ex into giving you another chance by saying without her you are going to peace yourself up. If you love her as much as you claim you do that’s pretty shitty to put on her.
3. Excellent point raised by emotionlessandlost, a month and a half! Come off it man! I realize that you are still young, and it would appear this is your first big romantic crash, but time will help.
4. Kate is not interested in getting with this mopey clingingy dude who is so obsessed with her that he is willing to kill himself because she will not be with him, bet that yo.
5. You are a fucking rockstar in a band! You already said you got tons of other girls gunning for you! I know you don’t want to hear it right now but try going on a few other dates. You might find an even more amazing girl than Kate. Plus, it will make her jealous that she doesn’t have this power over you anymore and maybe make her interested in you again.
6. Bottom line, offing yourself over a girl at age 21 is really cliché and pathetic.
I know everything here seems really negative but I think the SP people here are just trying to give you some tough love. You have got to snap out of it man. Like I said you are a fucking rockstar in a band! You should be pulling down crazy amounts of tail, more amazing and exotic tail than I could ever dream of pulling down. Just force yourself to get back out there with some other girls. Write some sad Katie songs that show girls how vulnerable and emotional you are, THEY WILL GO NUTS FOR YOU!
I dunno G…I dated a girl for 4 years through high school and college and she left me for a hack. At your age that shit is real hard. I remember actually being queasy and having pain in my stomach for weeks after. Actually being love sick. Just trust me when I say you will survive. Don’t go out like a little ***** over some girl man. You will find out there are much better reasons to kill yourself.
Everyone pretty much covered it.
In this specific situation you broke trust.
Twice.
Forgiveness or not is up to her.
If you do choose death, she probably will have a worse opinion of you than she already does.