Is it really worth it?

So… I’ve never been good at talking about my problems…. but here it goes..

For the past year I have had major depression problems… Which shouldn’t make sense, I have awesome friends, an okay family and an amazing boyfriend… Yet nothing seems right. Nothing fills the void.. Every day I wake up and ask why I didn’t pass in my sleep … I wish every night not to wake up. Lately I have also been extremely sick, from lung infection to ears, to having strep throat. I have no life left in me, there is no candle light burning… It went out a long time ago, and now it”s just me and darkness that never seems to end… Yes, I do have happy moments, and I may seem like the happiest person outside… Yet on the inside there is a world of agony, pain, and hell. If I said I haven’t thought of dying, or killing myself at least one time in the day, I would be lying. Every time I cross the street I cross very slowly hoping, praying, someone will hit me… and end it. End the pain inside. People may not understand, but life is not worth living a good 98% of the time… At least not to me…

I don’t know why anyone wants to live in hell, but I am not one of them. People see me sad and think when I look happy that I am okay now… People are blind, and never ever could be more wrong. Nothing is okay. My mind just drags it out , longer , and longer.. Making things harder and harder to get past. Life was never made to be easy, I know… but I never thought I could live in my own hell, right here on earth. What do you do when it’s you that is the problem? How do you help yourself when you are the reason you need help… the answer? You simply can’t… and honestly I don’t think anyone else can either.