Life is strange

All I ask of anyone reading this is to at least put some thought into my words. You will never understand what I am going through, and that goes for me to you as well. From reading this you may at least have some understanding.

I’ve never been through anything this hard in my entire life. In the last 5 years everything has changed. I am an 18 year old male from the U.S. I grew up in hopes of becoming something in this country when I grew older. Now I am older, and the task is beyond difficult. 5 years ago I became badly ill with liver disease. Before that I was very healthy, but being so sick changed who I was. I nearly died, and I would have it weren’t for modern medicine. I train martial arts and work out every day to keep my body strong. When I became sick I lost all my weight I worked so hard to gain, I had to quit training martial arts and all other sports, most of my friends abandoned me because I was no longer fun to be around. I was sick, dull, and tired all the time. I am healthy enough now that I can train again and do some things, but it’s always harder. Everything is harder than it used to be with a damaged liver. Just waking up everyday is challenging. This is one problem I face, and there is no cure for it. The very medication I take to stay alive has some of the worst side effects you could imagine. It’s caused me to change as a person. I feel like I no longer know who I am. I feel as if i’m a ghost, like i’m already dead.

When I was at my worst I became unable to go to school anymore, so I dropped out of high school and got my GED. I have been in college for over a year now but it hasn’t been easy. I have nightmares every night of being locked away forever. I don’t sleep like I should. I stay up every night as long as I can until my body finally takes over then I sleep away my days. I am afraid to sleep now because of the dreams. I can’t fail though. My family needs me to succeed, but i’m in so much pain. Even now after going to college, I lack friends. I have no one to talk to besides a therapist I see once a week. My mother is very sick with breast cancer, my father works over 13 hours a day every day to keep the house. He is getting older now, and I fear his health is also declining. It will be a while before I can get a job  good enough for me to establish myself in society. I want to be able to take care of my family. My mom, my dad, and my sister all deserve better, and I won’t let the greed of our capitalist system bring them to suffer. I have to break through somehow. If I wasn’t so ill all the time it might not be so hard, but the pain is excruciating. I am constantly under extreme anxiety and I sometimes pass out from it. I am also very lonely sometimes. I wish I had someone to hold through this all. Every girl i’ve loved has broken my heart, but I will never stop looking for my love because I know in my heart that she is out there and she needs me to be strong. The truth is I am afraid of the future, and there are many things in my past that I regret. These things are out of my control though, so I make it my oath to focus on the present. I’m not currently in college right now, and summer break has started for us. It was a rough year, but now I miss it because I have nothing to do during the day. I am so isolated where I live, and seeing my mom ill everyday brings me down. I know shes going through a lot, we all are, but sometimes I reach a breaking point and I lose it. I don’t want them to see me like that, but sometimes the pain is so extraordinary that I cannot hold it in, and i’ve cried and lost my temper. On christmas eve I jumped into the river in hopes that I would drown. The water was far below freezing, and every muscle in my body tightened up when I hit the water. I could not move, and I was staring down into the dark river. Somehow my instincts kicked in and I swam back. Luckily I am a fantastic swimmer. I don’t know for sure why I did that. I didn’t necessarily want to die, but I was so depressed that night that it’s like I felt I wouldn’t really care if I did, so I jumped in. That night I had an 11 hour panic attack. The thought of death and what might have happened seemed to have awoken my true sorrow. I was shaking and shaking the entire night chanting out loud over and over “Please, someone help me. If there is a god please help me.” According to my family I would not stop saying that for most of the night, even after i’d fallen asleep. That memory will always be with me.

Deep down in my heart I feel I am not happy, and I am suffering in the situation i’m in. I feel everyday my soul is just crying out for help, because i’m out of energy now. I do NOT want to give up, and I will never give up. I must make that clear. I am not here because I want to die. Life has caused me such pain and I feel I owe it to myself and everyone i’ve ever loved to avenge that pain we’ve felt. Living is hard, but I must live to carry on the legacy. I may only have one life, and I don’t know what will happen after that, but I can only assume that this is it. This is my life, and I will choose to make it a success, whatever success may be. Wherever truth and love exist that is where I will be. The truth is I love this world, I love life and every living thing. It’s an unconditional love, it’s my belief that we are all connected by our sorrows and memories. It hurts me to know that there is so much suffering going on out there to my brothers and sisters. That’s why I can’t die. I must live for them. Because I know somewhere out there in the world there are other great people that would do anything in their power to help me if they had the chance, and i’d die for them as well. We are in this together, yet we fight our own battles. I am no different than anyone else on this Earth. I am human, and no matter how much I suffer it will never be in vein. If I could just get out of this town I live in and reach out to those people, help one life find happiness, then I can die a happy man.

Peace to you all, and know that you are not alone in your suffering. I will fight to the end, so join me. Lets work together for a better world. For peace, lets never give up. Ossu.