I have known for a long time that my death would be at my own hands. This has never been a passing whim. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t want to die. I suppose that makes me a coward because I can’t face life. My fear of suicide is only that I will be unsucessful. I am house bound and have very little access to means to end my life and no one will see it my way and help me. My biggest regret is that I had children. I should have been more carefull with birth control because no child deserves a mother like me.
I am not looking for a quick and painless death. I don’t deserve that. I am torn between swallowing antifreeze and setting myself on fire. Leaning toward the latter because I believe it would be harder to “save” me with an antidote or dyalisis.
10 comments
you are not a coward and i’m sure if you care enough about your children to want them to be happy with a good mother then you must care about them alot and if you care about them a lot then you must be a better mother than you think 😀
Well since your going to be around a while, have you tried seeing a doctor? there isant a lot of things that can overpower the maternal instinct, and one of those things is a chemical imbalance in the brain, if it is then the right antidepressant and you will be right a rain, hell its worth a try isant it?
Your kids deserve a mother who love them and herself, take care of yourself first, otherwise you cant protect them.
Just my opinion, do with as you please,
I hope you find happiness, one way or another
Peace
I have been on every medication known to man. The doctors say I have borderline personality disorder. Medication can only treat the symptons. My children do deserve a loving mother but unfortunately they got me. I have a loving mother and she has been and will be a mother to my children.
You cant know that, she could resent them because they remind her of you, or she might think the stress of them caused you suicde, something could happen to her.
All you can know for sure is how your going to treat them, and you do love them, you feel bad because you are their mother, that means you care about them.
borderline personality disorder is a bit vauge, any full diagnoise?(I am a doctor)
Your their mother, there is no being who has ever existed or will exist that can love them as much as you can. FACT.
Peace
don’t say that ^ your mother will not resent them because they remind her of you in fact she loves you very much because she is your mother so she will probably love them more because they remind her of you but unique is right becasue something could happen 2 her and i’m sure that they love you very much so don’t doubt yourself. i don’t know much about illnesses really but i would listen to whatever your doctor says because now that they have diagnosed you they just want to help so soon you can start 2 get better
@poppyx, my appolgies, i was going for tough love, i didnt mean to be mean or cruel.
its ok its just somebody could have picked it up wrong x
My axis one diagnosis is mood disorder nos and axis two is what my nurse practiconer psychiatrist say is my primary disorder which is borderline personality disorder.
I don’t have custody of my children because I severly injured one of my sons. My daughter has lived with my parents since birth. My sister has already aggread to take my children if anything happens to my parents. And you might say what if something happens to her too. Well I have four sisters. I think it would be unlikely that my parents and them all die.
I am disabled and can’t work. I am on house arrest and the odds are in favor of me going to prison for up to seven years. Which will make it more difficult to kill myself. Since being on house arrest I have seen my youngest two children once. And my oldest who lives w his father has been kept away from me for almost two years.
I am sure if people knew all of my “mistakes” they would agree with setting me on fire. I can’t go into them because of my pending legal case.
ah, sorry about what i said i was just trying to make see that it could be worse and you cant predict the future, but now i see you situtation is much more serious than i realised.
I have no doubt that your family will love your kids. I just hope they dont lose their mother.
Im sorry this is your life, i dont think anyone would condone setting you on fire, you have made mistakes we all have.
Anyone can give up, it takes a fighter to soilder on. Keep soildering. Get your kids back.
Fight!!!
Peace
Wantodie2, just wondering if your mother was so loving what happened to you? I’d love to hear your story and sometimes prison is a helpful place to heal….you will have free health care, therapy, meds, and its full of born again people who will look after you…
Sonds to me like you think your mistakes are worse then everyone elses, well if you ever want to hear my story just email me and let me know. fenmrks@yahoo.com