My Past Month

Well, it’s going on about five weeks now, but I digress.

Starting about four or five Sunday’s ago, I awoke on my couch in my apartment (I was alone, I live with my older brother {I pay my own rent} and he was in Texas for a Judo tournament) and my head and chest hurt extremely.  I couldn’t find my phone because the pain was literately blinding me when I was conscious, which didn’t last long; I continued to black out about 20 seconds after I would regain consciousness.  Because of this, I don’t remember what happened at all, and if I could have found my phone, I would have called 911.

The next day, when my brother returned, he found me and brought me to the hospital.  They did numerous x-rays, CT scans, cat scans, and so forth, however, all of their tests were inconclusive.  They did, however, find that I had a rather large air build up behind my heart; they told me that I could literally die at any given moment, due to the air build up (bubble, if you will) bursting, which would have shredded my right ventricle (part of the heart.) I took this extremely lightly, due to the fact that, well, there is nothing anyone can do about that now can they?
How this problem is fixed is: A.) I die a terribly painful death within about two or three seconds, B.) My body will re-absorb the air naturally, C.) They need to cut me open and remove it surgically, which has about a 50% chance of curing me, and a 50% chance of killing me instantly.  HURRAY!

Needless to say, I was in and out of the hospital for about 2 weeks (they were supposed to keep me there the whole time, however I wasn’t displaying any of the other symptoms, such as excruciating pain because my heart is being pushed out of place.) and finally saw a specialist who did more radiation tests, and concluded that I should be fine: However, he did not give me a definitive time estimate as to when the air bubble will be completely absorbed…so I might still die at any second… He wanted to run more tests, however, they had given me the amount of radiation testing that is supposed to be given to someone in about 6 months… in two weeks, thusly, for fear of giving me cancer, they couldn’t do anything more.

One week later, I was driving on the highway, and I was cut off…. I was going 65 mph, and I had to swerve to avoid being hit. I did not realize, to my disappointment, that I was driving past an exit, and had swerved to be facing the exit barrier dead on.  Needless to say, I slammed my wheel to the right all the way to avoid being killed, and ended up totaling my car.  I walked away from this accident unscathed; everyone that has seen the car, from the state trooper that showed up, to the mechanics, said that I should never have walked away from that accident, and that I should be dead.

So in the course of month…I have somehow escaped almost certain death three times.  This….is not normal. This is not supposed to happen. I know I should be thrilled, however, I am so cynical about it that I don’t feel anything.  There is no fear, no worry, no happiness, no sadness.

Just….nothing