My story

Not very sure how very origional or long this post is gonna be, but screw it I guess.

My name isn’t very important, but I can say that I’m a girl in the ages between 15 and 20. I’ve been thinking of posting something here for awhile, but it just hasn’t happened until now. Anyway, I think I’ve hated my life pretty much since first or second grade, or that’s at least when my misery began. I’ve never been bullied though, up til that point I was rather popular and people would fight over who was going to play with me, that too caused some problems, but nothing major.

In first/second grade me and my two best friends started to hang out with “the cool girls”. Those who thought they were so grown up and always talked about make-up, guys and sex. I don’t remember why but suddenly all but two girls hanged out in the same group (we were pretty few girls)  it was so boring and self-esteem crushing, but I guess I didn’t dare getting out of it, or if my friends would follow if I did. I really wish I had. That continued up till sixth grade, where it was rather obvious that the two “cool girls” didn’t like me very much… they didn’t say mean things straight to my face, but things like taking it as an insult if being compared to me or making fun of me in subtle ways. Some times others would follow. I also had the (bad) habit of not laughing. I basically never laughed uptil 6/7 grade if I could help it, mostly because I thought it was lame to laugh at my own jokes and since I was the one who cracked the most jokes, I didn’t laugh much, and I rarely found what they joked about funny. Not that I jokes very much in their precense since we didn’t have the same humor at all.

Now I’ve stopped hanging out with them, I can openly say that I hate them and know that I can back myself up, which is good. I’m still in the same class (it’s a wonderful class! completely hilarious) and I’m currently hanging out with one of the girls who could be kinda mean, but at the same time we’ve been really good friends for years now, and I pretty much don’t have a choice since I’m not like the other girls at all (four other girls). She can be fun but she gets pissed off very easy and she makes me feel like an idiot most of the time even when she doesn’t know more than I do. Thankfully I’ll get rid of her soon since I graduate in a month and a few days. But I hang out with another girl at school too, she’s really nice and funny and is more like me, more dedicated & hardworking than the other girl. But she isn’t always in school sadly enough…  Thinking of this makes me feel a little sad too that these few remaining weeks is the last I’ll see of my wonderful class together before everyone will go to a different school…

But I’m not planning on being alive to start my new school. We are going for a vacation this summer to a little island within the country. It’s a very beautiful place with blue water, high cliffs and green nature. I’m planning to enjoy it for a week or so and then tell my parents I’m going to a cliff to draw the scenery, I’m a dedicated artist (will talk more about that) and I like to take strolls on my own, so they won’t suspect a thing. The cliff I’m thinking of lies near the camp and is very high up, so I maybe won’t even be conscious when I drown. I have gone through most of the suicide methods, and I think I like the idea of drowning the best, it’s a beautiful end. And they say that as soon as you get past that panic and start to drift away, it feel rather good. True, maybe not true, who knows. It was actually a movie who inspired me, with Benedict cumberbatch – Third Star. It’s a very good but rather sad movie.

A very big plus with drowning is that no one will know it was a suicide. Because almost every other method it is very clear that it was suicide… Like; “No no, it wasn’t suicide! She only happend to swallow 30 sleeping pills. Darn! She must’ve read the instructions wrong.” Or?

No, I want them to believe it was an accident. And no, it is not to ‘spare my family’, I know they will be very sad anyway, but we don’t get along at all. I’ve been fighting with my mother since I learned to speak, and I’m not exaggarating, I was an awful child I guess. My dad is no better, I can without lying say that I hate that man. And not because he tells me to go to bed in time, but because of his personality. He is selfish, unjuste and rather uncaring. What ever I say, he manages to turn it into a fight or into telling me how bad I am.

As I said, I don’t get along with my mother either. She is incredibly unintelligent, and I am…I won’t flatter myself by saying I’m smart, but I’m definitively smarter than her, and it bothers me so much that I can’t have a proper discussion with my own mom because she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about or what response I want, or she isn’t interested at ALL and my answer is either nothing or “Okay.” And when I ask her why she isn’t saying anything she says rather frustrated back “What do you want me to say!?” Well, I don’t know, what SHE think about it maybe?

But the reason to why I want it to look like an accident is that I don’t want people to think that I was weak or, bullied or didn’t have any friends or something like that. I know that when I’m dead I probably won’t care, but it might be easier on those around me if they thought it was an accident, because then they won’t feel like they could’ve done something and live with regret for the rest of their lives. And I don’t want to go knowing that people will look down on me afterwards.

The most common thing I think people say when they hear about things like these, is that they should try to solve their problems instead. Well, I’d like to do that if I could, but I can’t. For that I’d have to change my entire personality and interests; and that is impossible. Every day feels like a bother and I find myself not wanting to go to sleep at night because then tomorrow will come faster, and so I sit by the computer half the night nad then come late for school. It turn into a evil circle, but it is so hard to break when I’m feeling like this. How and why would I tell someone about this when they wouldn’t be able to help me anyway and just make things harder for me by dragging in my parents? Who undoubtly would yell at me too?

Right now I’m just focusing on my grades and graduating and getting into the school I want. Because I want to know that I have the choice to change my mind and have a future ahead, just in case.

If you read all this I’m impressed and thank you xD It turned out to quite alot… Well, I’m not forcing any of you, I just wanted to went a little.

Well, thank you for reading.

//MFD