Sorry for my bad English, I’m Dutch/French (I’m a 18 years old, school dropout). I hope this all makes somewhat sense…
I was seen as a child prodigy when I was child (learned myself read at a young age and I went directly to second year of primary school), but everything went bad in secundary school. I feel totally useless. I have nothing to live for. The expectations that society has, the expectations I have of myself. The reality that doesn’t fit the expectations. My apathy towards humans, towards my family. I have no friends, I never needed friends, neither have I desired to have friends. I always wanted to be the perfect human being; I value intelligence, creativity and authenticity, but at the same time I feel like a big joke. A big paradox that laughs at me, maybe it doesn’t laugh at me because it does not even recognize my existence; I’m not worth of it.
I’m just too small, a small thing that only wants to be big and greater but will never achieve it. Not even close. I’m a person who dislikes everything that looks even a little bit like routine or the mundane. It’s stronger than me, I can not put my emotions on a halt to do something for long-term gratification, my brain doesn’t work like this. I’m very different from other people, and even this is an understatement. I hate things that are not original, people who are not original. I respect people who are mentally independent.
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Feelings are not even real anymore, everything has been marginalized into something product-like (rational, explainable and collective) , there is nothing personal about feelings anymore. Maybe I think like this because I don’t have the average kind of feelings people have, I’m so detached from society: the way I feel is not normal and the way I live is not normal (I’m 18, dropped out of school, and I’m just doing nothing whole day than thinking and introspecting).
I’m too weak for this world, I have always been. Never could I turn off my feelings to do some routine or mundane work, it’s stronger than me, my brain doesn’t let me go for the efficient long-term gratification.
But at the same time I want to be unique, creative and intelligent, more so than other people. My confidence is extremely low, and unstable, I’m emotionally chaotic but at the same time emotionally unexpressive (in direct social contact atleast). I’m very introverted.
The only thing I still like to do is think and read. I’m too weak for work and normal life, I have no desire to look for help neither would it help me (I already tried when I was younger, never helped me, it felt superficial and like one big reality-show), I have no trust in psychological care.The idea that I could kill myself when I want would give me comfort and possibly some power that elevates me and put me above the common people and society. A ticket to leave when it gets bad or when I get overwhelmed.
When I think about it, I think the root of the problem is the fact that I feel worthless. I have great desire to be intelligent and creative, but I am not. I feel unintelligent. Permanent doubt in me, that is stuck and could never be dissolved to make it more bearable. And like I said earlier, I can’t go back to school (impossible, not legally, but emotionally). Neither do I want to work, or can I work. I tried, but my brain is wired completely different, I can force myself. People sometimes think that I exaggerate this, but I don’t. Maybe I’m too sensitive and too aware of myself and my feelings/thoughts that I can’t eliminate my conscience  for the sake of good performance.
I hate the boring, the mundane, the average, the incomplete…
I had some good periods in my life (where I felt somewhat more confident), but most of it has been depressing and it still is; it’s a rotten cycle with at its core only emptiness.
7 comments
As I read this it made me think more and more of my friend. He dropped out of school for emotional reasons, though is one of the smartest, most confusing people I have ever had a conversation with. Do you honestly believe that you’re not an intelligent person? or that you are weak? If this is only a glimpse into your mind I wonder what other thoughts there are.. No one is perfect. There are none without flaws. But you do sound like a very unique person. If you do not enjoy doing routine things then why not find a career that allows you to be different? You can become someone even greater than you are now, you just have to try. Is there no alternative for schooling?
I doubt that this will mean much coming from a tired, young person that has given up. but it seems like a waste for you to do nothing with your life. You are an original, exceptional person.. you just need something to make your life feel worthwhile. Why not go and seek this thing out?
Yes I honestly believe I’m not intelligent, atleast not intelligent enough. Being average is not enough for me. If I would have purpose in my life it would be build around the fact that I’m unique. I can’t make purpose of my life how it is now. Everything is ruined. And I’m a person who can’t deal with being average.
The problem is not only having an immense dislike for routine, it’s with my brain and how it works. I find things mundane and boring extremely fast.
I know people will find me ridiculous now and maybe even juvenile, that I use the word boring in a site about suicide. But not everybody works the same.
I need do something with greater purpose (and I need to be special, not an average joe), that’s interesting and challenging but at the same time I have literally no confidence at all, no energy and some other emotional problems (crazy mood swings, shyness because of my lack of confidence, etc). I all experience these things very intensely.
Some people can live for others (friends, family, love), I can’t. I’m totally not like that. I do have emotions (more and more intense than the average person), but it’s completely self-centered. I’m not an asshole, I care about others but more in an impersonal way, I don’t search a connection with somebody -> but this is not what I have a problem with, I don’t care about that.
I feel I wasted potentional and that I just failed it. The fact that I’m very open-minded about things, doesn’t help me… I don’t have strict ideas about what life and death mean.
I’m always thinking about everything, and I see everything that lacks (with me), it makes me crazy. But nothing really happens or changes in the physical world, everything stays the same. It’s my mind that tries to reshape the world every second, most people don’t do that, they have a view of the world and themselves in their head and it doesn’t change that much neither are they aware of this.
I’m deeply ashamed about who I am. There is no reason at all for me to live.
I am also a child prodigy I could talk at 2 years old and had an amazing memory, at age 5 I could hear a song once and then when I heard the first two notes again remember any song. I played pokemon Crystal with the sound on constantly and after a year could tell every pokemon by their cry. I was extremly intuitive and could tell what sombody was thinking based off body language and tone. I developed depression and anxiety and lost all motivation. I dropped out of high scool in 9th grade and now I do nothing and feel that nothing matters.
Some of your descriptions sound like a younger me.
Not the intelligent or prodigy parts but the detached and lacking emotions parts.
I’d recommend counseling.
The only way of dealing with it unless you can change your being from what it is.
Although with your mindset you may find counseling somewhat pedestrian.
“I’m a person who dislikes everything that even looks closely too routine and the mundane”
“I’m very different from other people, and even this is an understatement. I hate things that are not original, people who are not original”
“I’m so detached from society: the way I feel is not normal and the way I live is not normal”
“Some people can live for others (friends, family, love), I can’t. I’m totally not like that.”
“But nothing really happens or changes in the physical world, everything stays the same. It’s my mind that tries to reshape the world every second”
I can relate to all of this, the difference being I’ve ‘only’ felt this way for the past 6 years (I’m 24) .. as time goes by, I keep losing interest in the human experience .. when I watch people get a kick out of their boring, repetitive lives, I can’t help but feel like I must be from another planet
see, the best way to describe my state of mind would be:
an alien was dropped off on earth to observe humans .. he’s failing to adjust to planet earth, all he desires now is to be taken back to his home planet
I can relate to the bit about disliking the mundane, routine, ordinary.
Basically, this is the mentality of an artist. This is what makes artists different from normal people. This is also what makes them precocious pains in the ass (yes, that’s me too).
This isn’t the most charming trait, but there’s n sense beating yourselfup about it either. The only solution I know is to actively seek out the unordinary, the unconventional. It’s not easy to find, but it does exist.
I highly recommend hitting the open road and looking for an adventure. The unordinary exists, but it may require unordinary methods to find it.