The life of a shell

I am a shell. I have been dealing with depression for about 4 years now, and it has eaten away at me till there is nothing left but the corporeal person you may meet, or not. I consider myself dead most of the time. I finally started to come to that realization after my girlfriend left me. We can call her Elizabeth. She was the one who initially saw that I needed help, real help. She convinced me to go out and seek medical treatment in any form. She wanted to stay with me and grow old together, but that required me to live to be old she would say. Alas, I ended up draining her of her energy daily. She gave me the best love that anyone had ever given me and I did nothing but take take take. Finally she grew to resent me and it just got to the point where she decided to save herself and leave me. Now she wants nothing to do with me.

I try to stay positive, and hang out with good friends who always try to help me, doing things that make me happy, but in the end it is only a passing happiness. I no longer dream of the future, and what I might one day end up doing as a career, or as a man with a family. Now I just dream of the past, of memories that still haunt me and cause me nothing but regret, and I can do nothing but relive them. I am withered away inside, and I feel the best thing to do now is to just allow this fleshy body to wither away as well so that the world can do without it. Ultimately I feel it is for the best that no one end up with me. No one deserves to end up with something like me. I have no hope for the future. I am not capable, nor can I possibly hope to balance grad school, a career or even a family with something like this when it is a battle every morning just for me to get out of bed.

My only problem left is how to develop the nerve to rid the Earth and it’s inhabitants of my existence. I was too chickenshit to do so back then and am still too chickenshit to do so now. I guess all that I have left to do is just relegate myself to a pit and just rot away. I do not even care to be missed. I do not want to be missed. I do not deserved to be mourned. All I have ever wanted is to walk into a deep wild forest, end my life and never be found. I want to become nothing more than just a very slight passing memory to those who knew me. I just don’t matter.