Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up feeling okay, but then suddenly the sadness hit and I descended into the darkness again, thinking dangerous thoughts yet feeling dangerously numb and empty. I ended up lying in my bed for hours, too exhausted to move and too empty to cry, but too sad to sleep. Eventually, I got myself out of bed and tried to shake the sadness. I ended up in my kitchen, heating up a pizza. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites- it wasn’t exactly that I wasn’t hungry and I’m not dieting, it was just that I found the act of placing something in my mouth, chewing, then swallowing to be incredibly depressing for some reason.
I then decided to get out of the house in the hope that fresh air, loud music from my headphones and a bit of shopping would make me feel better, less empty. It didn’t. The weather was eerily still and silent and there was next to no traffic. I turned my music up as loud as it could go but I felt nothing at all, no comfort and no escape, it was just noise in my mind. And for most of my walk, I was alone which didn’t help. In a busy town on a Saturday afternoon, there was an astonishing lack of people around. This just made me feel emptier and more alone. There were increasingly more people as I got closer to the main shops, but that didn’t prevent me from feeling so lost and empty in the town I’ve lived in for almost a decade now. I kept feeling so incredibly trapped, not just in my town, but in my country and in this hemisphere and on this planet and in this fucking universe.
I just couldn’t shake the feeling of emptiness, which made me sadder and emptier than ever. I was suddenly struck by a need to feel something and for the first time in a while, I found myself longing for a blade to pull across my skin. But I was in public and I didn’t have one, so I improvised and dug my sharp nails deep into my skin until I felt something. It helped a bit, but the pain ended too soon for me.
When I eventually got home, I found that my trip out had done nothing for my sadness except make me feel even worse. It was with that that I took my compass from my pencil case and used it to scratch the surface of my skin lots of times. And the pain was good, because I felt something for a while. It was even better when one of the scratches began to bleed a little, just knowing that I still have angry red liquid inside of me makes me feel better. I might not feel anything, but at least my body does.
But then the scratches faded but became noticeable angry red lines across my arm. And I was angry at myself for doing it on my arm, the most cliche and conspicuous place possible. So I covered my arm all night, wearing long sleeves even when it was too hot and I was washing up, because I couldn’t have my family seeing how weak I can be. Because as far as they know I’m a happy, normal teenage girl and not the fucked up girl who can’t control her sadness and imagines death to be as wonderful as sleep that I am.
And I’m annoyed at myself for hurting myself, but also kind of pleased. Because it did help for a few short minutes and it made me feel something human and fathomable, and that was good. And next time it gets to be too much pain and numbness, I’ll do it again but in a more subtle and easily hidden place. Because even if I’m hurting myself and I know it’s wrong, at least it beats the alternative of killing myself.
5 comments
Hi
I know how you feel. It is very lonely when those feelings take over. I can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. I also listen to music very loud (don’t care about hearing in old age cause not going to be here right?). The emptiness, the loneliness and the pointlessness of everything can sometimes be crushing.
Lets put this into context, I am a 34yr old guy.
I also self harm, I do it on my forearm and now the summer is here I wear t-shirts. I know people see it, but it is not attention I seek, because I do not want to speak to anyone, it is a distraction to take away the other pain I feel.
I hope that you can stop hurting yourself. Have you sought help? It seems as though you are surrounded by family, have you tried to confide in them? If talking to somebody would help you, maybe give it a try. You can mail me too. I am trying to get hep myself, but no tablets or talking has yet relieved me of my pain.
That feeling is so similar…
When you begin scratching, you keep on doing it and in the end, you get white slight scars. (it’s been 8 or 9 months since I quitted self-harming, but people still realise)
Music is great, but it may sound like noise as thoughts rush through your brain.
I suggest you to call some friends or talk to someone at these times. It’s like running away from your thoughts, but the more you keep silent and think, the worse you will feel.
I get that feeling. I have never properly self-harmed – sometimes I get so angry out of pure sadness that I dig my nails into myself, because the pain does give a kind of release. I hate pain though, so I don’t properly cut, just dig my nails in til it bleeds. I had a knife when I was younger which I pretty much used to scratch myself with, or sometimes saw over and over in the same spot. All the marks from then are faded. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I can’t bear the pain of it. But most of the time, I genuinely believe that to cope with internal pain without manifesting it self-destructively, by self-harming, is a much stronger thing to do. I hope you find a way to cope like that.
As for the idea of death as a wonderful sleep, hell yes. I have wanted nothing more than for death to be complete oblivion since I was a young teen, and even if I struggle through my whole life, I will welcome death completely.
Dunkelheit is right. Try to call some friends, at least try to communicate with someone. It nearly always helps. 🙂
Thank you for all your advice. One of my friends came round today at random and ended up staying for hours. For the first time in forever, I let her in and we shared our darkest secrets and a lot of hers were similar, and it felt amazing to just be honest and I feel so much less alone now.