Just when i needed people the most, they all just stepped back.. at the same time nonetheless. I can’t fix this, and it really feels like everyone just expects me to snap out of it. My kids are keeping here, but the torture and torment inside my head has become almost constant. It would be very easy to just give in to the thoughts but i can’t help but fight it and that’s what makes it worse. If i let the paranoia take over, I just wouldn’t allow anyone around me. but there’s this part of me that yearns for understanding. Someone who will try to understand what is happening with me and work with me through it. And im not talking about someone you pay. I mean someone who really wants to. My best friend.. one of my very very few friends… she tries but she is just so gorgeous. Whenever we do anything together, well, it just makes me feel like total shit. We have a very serious love/hate relationship. It seems so petty, yet the fact of the matter is… the world is filled with petty people. Do I lose my one friend to ease the paranoia in my mind, or do i just sit here and let it torture me b/c the fact of the matter is i need people bad. I have always been the one who never needed anything or anyone. I went many many years like that. But it was all a facade and in the end what broke me. I’ve been reading up on things, and it says the hopes are that they get you from 25% to 50% functional. This is with extensive therapy by someone who really knows what they are doing. And for someone who isn’t likely to have the motivation to go and when Im in “hate” mode I won’t want to go. I’m just struggling for some reasons now, since it has been extremely bad lately, and I am looking into ways to achieve apathy… but hell i’m even starting to lose hope in finding that. When I’m completely alone and when it’s dark are when it’s the worst. I don’t really have anyone to reach out to and i need it because I trust the reality of others much more than mine. My thoughts are not to be trusted at all.