And all I see is darkness

RANT-LONG!

My life sucks.  But then again who’s doesn’t, right?  Lately I struggle for a reason to live every day.  I don’t need anymore freaking guilt trips, so don’t add to my damned problems please!

I am a 29 yr old mother of three.  That’s why I am still alive today.  That’s it.  But its hard to hold onto that when I feel like all my mistakes are messing up their lives.  Do you ever feel like King Midas?  But where everything you touch turns to shit?  I do every day, and I am sure to hear about it too.

What made my life like this doesn’t matter.  We all have our stories, don’t we?  Its not that I don’t care about your story or that you shouldn’t care about mine, its more like: Since I can never experience what you have or how you feel, I can’t judge what you went through.  It was probably the most horrible thing in the world for you, and my story is that way for me.  No matter what you say, this is what I’ve been through, and enough is enough already!

I feel like GOD has it out for me.  Some people have occasional “bad luck”.  I went through a real dark period from the ages 13-17.  That’s what I though was wrong with me and how I got through it.  Certain circumstances lead to other circumstances which just got worse over time until I took control.  What happens when this shit just keeps happening over and over again and you have lost all control?  Some people believe GOD never gives us more then we can handle, that this is all a test.  Well why the hell do I have to be tested so much?!  Why the hell, in the past 10 years alone, can’t I catch a break?  What did I ever do so bad to deserve this?  And worst of all, with all this “bad luck” I am ruining the lives of everyone around me.  My husband, my children, my family, my clients (I’m a photographer), my friends…

I’m also an utter failure.  At absolutely everything.  I can’t clean good enough, I baby my children, I spend all our money on worthless stuff ( IDK about that really, that’s just what I am always told.  I always though household cleaning supplies and hygiene items were necessary… But then again, that’s just me.)… I have started and wasn’t able to finish college 2 times.  This time I set my goal to get at least a 3.8 GPA… Well two weeks ago I get a 40% on an assignment just because I forgot to comment on someone elses…  I have run my business into the ground.  I don’t work full time because I put volunteering first, which is freaking stupid because my family should be first… But I thought I was managing my time better then I am.  Obviously not.  I was told today that volunteering is stupid.  I need to get paid for all the hours I get into, up until that moment I enjoyed helping others.  That’s what I lived for.  Just another thing I fucked up. I lose money.  About 7 years ago I lost $150 because I left my wallet on the bus and someone took it, now last month I lost my entire month’s salary because I lost a check a client wrote out to me for shooting their wedding.   Its even more fucked up because I am too afraid to tell them because the ridicule… I am just too fragile right now to handle that.

My husband cries at night because I don’t make him happy.  I try.  I pretend nothing is wrong.   I do every thing I can for him.  I cook, clean, do the laundry, take care of my kids…  I work my ass off 19 hours a day and never get any real time to myself, but somehow I am still not good enough for him.

I can’t get my kids the things they want.  I am so broke because of past debts, I can’t afford anything other then the basics and bills.  My babies are unhappy because I am so damn irresponsible.

I don’t know if I will be able to keep waking up every day.  The end is easy.  I can go get a bottle of percs and take 10.  No pain.  Just sleep and no return.  That will take until at least Wednesday to get them though.   IDK what I want right now  Live or die?  What should I do?  Can I keep living like this only to create a path of misery along the way affecting everyone I come in contact with? ( These aren’t real questions I want anyone to answer, writing just helps me thing myself…)  Well I will at least be following this board for a few days, and if I am to cowardice, I won’t go through with it and fail at something else.  How shitty would that be, I fuck things up so much I couldn’t even kill myself.