Getting so tired

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so sad and lonely all of the time and I’ve given up on ever feeling better. No one in my life even cares. I’m falling apart and all my wife cares about is herself and whatever she wants. I tried to talk to her about feeling depressed years ago, but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t care about me or my problems. I wanted her to encourage me to get help. To care. She didn’t. I think a past boyfriend of hers struggled with depression. Maybe he tapped her out. She doesn’t even notice what’s happening. I don’t even try to talk to her about it anymore. She doesn’t notice that, either. Sometimes, she almost realizes, but she makes it clear it only matters to the extent it makes her feel bad. My suicidal depression is just a nuisance to her. She leans on me for so much. I know things have been rough for her, but she takes so much from me and explicitly withholds emotional support from me.

Something happened a year ago that I just can’t forgive. I doubt she even realizes how awful she was to me. She just felt entitled to treat me that way. I’m not sure I’ve loved her since then and that pains me so much. I just don’t feel like she loves me, anymore. It’s just crushing.

But even if I left, I just feel so broken. I’ve never had friends. Like really. I have no friends in my life. No one will care if I die. My wife might even be happy. My mom would be sad, but I know she’ll be fine. She will understand what happened. She might be upset that I didnt get help, but she understands mental illness.

I used to feel sad, but I was too scared of death. Now I’m scared at how easily I can picture slipping all the way. I can see myself ending it all and I don’t know what to do. I feel it’s quickly becoming an issue of when and no one will try to stop me. No one will care. I’m just a broken person, anyway.