I want to suicide, but i am scared

i am grown up with single parents and siblings.
When my mother passed away when i was 10 years old some of my siblings are already overseas studying
I am living with father, grand mother and other siblings

I am feel very lonely.
My father is very busy working.
I love both my father and grandmother very much
After my mother left, I am scared to sleep alone
however every midnight i always get a weird nightmare

I always dreamt that my grand mother going to get marry again
and leaving us. which always make me shivering and cry at midnight
I cried silently, scared to wake my father up.

I start to think weirdly
I stop playing with my schoolmate.
I always sitting alone during recess time.
I start to harm my friend
I start to fight with boys and girls in the school
I even shouted to the teacher too

recently I have problem which i have no where to seek for advice
i had a boyfriend who has been with me for almost 2 years

I was so in love to him
except his habit
he likes to smoke, clubbing, gaming and lazy
but thanks God he stop going to clubbing

however he is still smoking
i hate it

I am really in love with him
but i dont like his habits and his laziness.
i proposed to break up with him for few times
i have no reasons to tell even i am really love him

recently i found out all the words come from him mostly are lies.
I wanted him to change but i dont know how
there is time i am trying to suicide when i found out he lying me
i tried to drink shampoo which failed.

He never change. but i am still love him really much.
i always proposed to break up with him
sometimes he will get angry
some times he will beg me to stay
i have no reasons to break up nor no reasons to stay with him
i just feel my life very empty

he used to tell me, he needs freedom
he wants to meet his friends not only stick with me all the time

it is not i am not allowing him to go but all of his friends are useless
i allowed him to go once with his housemate
he said he wants to celebrate his housemate
he told me only two of them and its in the coffee nearby
but then i found out they go 3 peoples and they go to other town which roughly take 45 mins drives

and i get really angry
Is it i am too selfish or he is wrong?
I never tell his story to anybody
infact i always talk something good about him to my family

I told his parents he smokes, then he will tell his mother ” no no i am not smoking”.
there is time where his mother came and ask me
whether he really smoke or i am just bluffing?
even his mother cant believe in me

sometimes i cry and hurt myself

he doesnot know anything

he will just blaming me that i keep on bugging on him.

recently i always says i want to suicide or i just left his house like that

but he never chase me not stopping me like how he used to do

is he still love me? or he just put a pity on me??

I dont know what to do
i always plan to suicide. but i am scared
Can somebody out there help me?
I have no other place to go to seek for help

Should i stay with him or should we just break up?
Should i suicide?
But i am scared and pity on my dad.