my suicide quest

I’ve contemplated suicide for quite some time now. when things really started to get bad I told my psychiatrist and I was sent to the hospital for having a plan. I spent 5 weeks at one facility and still felt suicidal so I was sent to a long term facility for 2 weeks but I talked my way out of there.

I spent 2 weeks at home before I decided I was going to kill myself. I overdosed on medication and woke up in the hospital. I thought great here I go again. I spent 1 week in the hospital and 3 weeks in intensive outpatient therapy.

now all that is done and it has been a few weeks and I find myself yet again thinking about how I could kill myself. I felt really suicidal one night so I called and left a message for my psychiatrist and talked to a crisis counselor online through the suicide prevention web page. I talked to my psychiatrist the next day and to my therapist. Both thought I should probably go to the hospital but I told them “NO”. My boyfriend talked to my therapist and ensured her that I would be supervised the rest of the day and if I got worse he would take me to the emergency room. I told him if he took me I would just lie anyways so it would be pointless.

Today I think I have myself figured out. Yes I have depression and my meds help with that. Yes I have borderline personality disorder and educating myself and therapy are helping with that. But I believe that I have a suicidal idealization addiction. To this I mean I have had passing thoughts of suicide from about the age of 14, I drew about it, researched it, joined forums in relation to it. As I grew up the idea became more and more real to the point I picked a place, day, time, and method. I knew where and how I would leave my notes and to whom they’d be written and when I would write them. (that got me to the hospital the first time) as it got worse I actually attempted but I called a friend (second hospital visit) so my next guess if I don’t treat this is I will have a serious attempt or a few of them and then I will succeed at some point and I will be gone. I’m not sure how to go about the addiction and I plan to bring it up to my psychiatrist and therapist whom I’m sure have plenty of questions to ask me in person about calling them saying I felt really suicidal.

all in all I believe Suicidal Idealization Addiction is real. Addicts need a little at first but more and more to achieve the same affect and that is what I am going through. I have periods where for a week straight if I’m not distracted I’m thinking through my next plan (which I almost have all worked out).

I need more information and opinions if people think this is a real issue. And where can I get information about it.