Never-ending suffering

I’ll start out by saying I consider myself “addicted” to suicidal thoughts. The thoughts begun as early as elementary school and continued to thrive throughout my life. As I prepare to leave everyone I know and move a 1000 miles away to college, I can’t seem to commitment to moving forward or ending my life. I have made one serious attempt, one which had me hospitalized for 4 months, and that was just 1 out of my 11 hospitalizations. Life has been a long and hard journey for me. I have learned the hard way the cons of acting on these thoughts. I also know enough to know that it will cause intense suffering for my family, friends, treatment team, and people who have known me in other contexts. This may be invalidating to myself, but I am almost positive that my suffering could not add up to the total amount of pain of 100s of people. In a way, by living “I’m taking a hit for the team.” Suicide hasn’t been my only problem. In fact, my obsession with suicide stems from the fact that it is my main way of “problem-solving.” This may sound weird, but when I see conflict in TV shows, I sometimes expect them to kill themselves. And they never do. Suicide is not a solution, its a HARD way out, but not a solution. The fear you feel when your close to dying is intense and over powers all the pain. Why is that I know suicide is the wrong option for me, yet I can’t let go of the idea? That leads me to think suicide means something more to me than the actual physical act. I haven’t figured out what, but it has become a part of me. I sit here typing this because I feel so alone with my pain. Yes I have a therapist, family, and a few friends, but when it comes down to it, I am utterly alone. No one can be with me for all of my suffering, and even being alone with my thoughts and feelings for one hour is too much to handle. I got accepted to my dream school, but I don’t want to leave my therapist. She is the only thing that keeps me afloat. I get phone-coaching from her outside of sessions and I’m in the habit of talking to her for at least a few minutes everyday. My dependence is even more obvious now that she is on vacation. Because I can’t talk to her this week, I’ve turned to journaling. My target behaviors have ranged from drinking, to self-harm, to yelling, to misusing meds, and now to disordered eating. Eating is just another way to channel my uncontrollable anxiety. I’ve become obsessed with my body and what I’m eating. It’s one more thing that gets in the way of me experiencing any joy. I can’t do this. I can’t stay in my current life and I’m not ready to make such a big transition. You should know, this is my last chance at the college experience. I did 5 years of high school and took this year off from school altogether so if I get any older, I will have to take a different route. Some may think its over rated, but going to college is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’m tired of feeling torn between my options and a part of me just wants it all to be over with. I’m sure some of you have been in the same situation–missing life experiences because of your struggles. I don’t know you, but anyone who continues to live each day despite incredible suffering more than deserves to feel better and be able to live their life to the fullest. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my rant. 🙂