I’m so sick. Everyone wants me dead. Why do I keep trying to find someone to hold on to? Noone will ever care about me. I can’t keep the happy face anymore, it’s just too much. Everytime that I show someone the agony inside they’re like “Run for the hills”. I will always be alone. Noone could ever love a stupid loser like me. I thought that I could help if I would talk to people around here. But how could a fuck up like me ever help anyone when I can’t even help myself? Everyone is going to be better without me. Nobody will even notice I’m gone.
Yesterday I cryed all afternoon. I can’t handle this anymore. Fighting season starts soon here. My mother keeps screaming all day that she’s gonna divorce, that it’s only my fault for all her suffering. My father isn’t home these days, but when he’s gonna come home in a few days from work all hell is going to break loose. And it’s only up to me to stop it. I can’t do it this time, I just can’t. The last time they didn’t stop untill I tryed to kill myself.
I don’t have any way of getting out of here, not at least this year. And on top of that my mind is getting more fucked up every day. I can hardly focus to remember anything before the current day, I’m losing control of my body and I think I’m starting to have hallucinations, especially at night. I can’t even focus to see what’s real and not.
My only options now are hanging and a knife to the heart. I know there’s no easy way out. Hanging is agonizing, especially when it catches the wind pipe. I tryed it once to see how it feels. I couldn’t stand it more than one second. Or I just have something with chocking. I don’t know. A stab to the heart… I don’t think it takes more than one minute to die. That’s the way I will go… It’s going to be hard, I just need a trigger big enough. But I guess I’ll have plenty in the coming days… And then there would poisoning… But I don’t want to survive to go through more agony so I guess the only option would be carbofuran. Had loads of that stuff around the house a few years back. Last time I heard it was banned for being too toxic. I might still be able to get some… but it’s so hard just to get out of the house.
I know I will not exist in short while. I will never be again… no afterlife, no reincarnation, nothing. Gone for ever, like a puff of steam in the wind. And the funny thing is… nobody will care. Not one bit… Soon, I will have never existed. Nobody knows that I exist anyway. That’s all I ever wanted: just one person that would care about me, a friend that I would listen to, and him/her to listen to me. Someone to know ME. But that will never happen. Nobody will ever care. Nobody will ever know how much I can love, nobody will know the person I wanted to be, nobody will ever know my dreams. Nobody will care about these tears in my eyes and these silent screams. But I guess I only get what I deserve… nothing. Who could ever love me?  Who could ever love a worthless… thing like me? I am… nothing…
I don’t deserve to be cared for, I don’t deserve to exist. I deserve to be ripped into pieces and be fed to the dogs, I deserve to be gunned down like a sick animal, I am a mistake.
Sorry if all of this sounds lame, stupid, useless, worthless… That’s just how I am…
And… to anyone I’ve ever upset: Sorry for existing. I know I am a mistake. But I will make it right. Soon, very soon.
29 comments
I don’t want you to leave…if you go who’s going to eat my lovley brownies and i ran to the store specially to get coffee as i know you don’t drink tea.
You know i what i find ironic and strange, the fact that we’re going through aa very similar thing. My mother at the moment is stuck in a very messy divorce case. And there’s been a lot of anger and a lot of frustration. But you know what…this is not your fight…it’s your parents…why are you letting yourself get hurt? You know i’m seriously impressed. I have not been able to withstand 2 years in a position like this, and you…you last this long. If that’s not called patience i don’t know what.
As for methods. I gave up in searching, because there is nothing that is worthwhile. Stabbing yourself at the heart, is definitley not recommended. Severe blood loss, kidney failure and liver damage. You’ll be in a worse postion then you started with, and you won’t even be able to die. And hanging is even more unreliable. You’re more likley to be found.
I care about you. Never say no one cares. You are intelligent, you are patient, you are kind and you are amazing. I’ve only spoken to you twice and i can honestly say this. You’re right you don’t deserve to be cared for…you deserve much more…you deserve a better life and you can only get that if you work for it. How to do this? Well i’ll let you know when you reply.
Take Care, We’re here
Shadows
“Everyone wants me dead.”
Who wants you dead? Can you elaborate?
“Noone could ever love a stupid loser like me.”
What makes you think you’re a stupid loser? Can you prove it?
“Nobody will ever know how much I can love”
You can’t be a loser if you can love.
Many people aren’t capable of that.
I would want to talk with you.
Check my profile for contact info.
Oh, Shadows, thank you so much for your kind words! You’ve put both a smile and tears on my face! It’s been so long since I’ve heard anyone talk to me like that!
I feel so sick, as I haven’t in a very long time. I can barely think straight about what to say now.
My parents have been fighting for as long as I can remember. Just that in the last 4 years things have been getting really… agressive. My mother would have been long gone by now but she has nowhere to go. So they just fight like crazy for the whole street to hear. And the only way to stop them is to fake that I feel extremely sick because of them (not like I really wouldn’t). And eventually I really feel extremely sick. Last time they didn’t stop untill I tryed to kill myself. This time I just don’t want to make it. I just feel so alone and like nobody could ever love me.
My head is so messed up now. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to hope, I don’t want to know any of this anymore. I just want to close my eyes forever…
You have no idea how much it hurts me to read this.. Your post is the reason I created an account just so I could tell u you’re not alone. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are alone, misunderstood and unloved. That is not true. Idk what you believe in or if you believe in anything at all. But I remember when I had those terrible feelings and like I had no one to talk to. Not even my own family. Then I turned to someone who will always love me and understands me completely… Because he created me.. I turned to Jesus. I’m not going to preach to you because there is nothing I hate more than having god shoved down my throat when I feel like giving up. But I will say I am here and if you need to vent ANYTHING . You can reach me. If you want to know more about god. You can reach me. Or if u just want a friend. You can reach me. I’m smiling right now because of the song playing on my radio right now. It’s saying ” cry to Jesus,cry to Jesus. And live.” live! Live! Please live! Simonecurr@aol.com
Hey just.me.19
If i remember rightly you said you’re 19, but I’m younger and going through the same thing. If you lose hope what kind of an example are you setting for me?
I’m sorry your parents have been fighting, but all people fight. And when they have differences they fight even more. They don’t understand what you’re going through. I don’t suppose you go university/ college? Why could you not leave your parents if you cannot cope with home life. It’s not a bad aim and achievement.
Depression i often compare to like when you’re ill. If you don’t take any medicines you won’t get well. Depression has its own cure. And I’m afraid it’s not my chocolate brownies…and no not my victoria sponge cake either. One of the best easiest ways is to see a psychiatrist. You’re old enough to go yourself. It’s your life if no one else will care what happens to you why care about their words? Why take those words to heart? If you’re going to be too stubborn then i have got some other things. You can keep busy. You can learn new things, take courses, new hobbies (like mine is baking if you haven’t already guessed) Sports, music, reading art, anything that keeps your mind busy. You could get a job and try to save money try to get out of where you are stuck, if that’s what you want. Get a good education and make a new life. It’s a sad thing to say but money is worth a lot. Then love as you say.
You’re an amazing person. Have i not said that enough times? Compassionate, loving, caring, patient, kind…and I’ve never even met you. Think what you must be like in actual.
If you mean your love life, then anyone with common sense would see what a great person you are. And if you mean with friends it’s exactly the same but one difference. If you want to have friends you have to be a friend. Meaning you have to talk to others. Freaky idea i know. But if you can talk to all of us, I’m sure you can talk to others. Long post i know…can you guess another of my hobbies?
Stay Strong & Take Care
Shadows
Btw you have one other post but that’s in moderation. As you’re admin for this thread you could allow it to be seen.
I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to stop crying. I want to cry untill I die. Now I’m really losing it. I can’t take this pain anymore. I used to be proud that I endured so much and that I’m still around. Now I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have to go through this hell. Arghhh… I’m going insane in here. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am sorry to dissapoint you, but that’s just what I am and always will be: a failure, a big, huge, worthless nothing. I’ve never been an example for anything, except for how to be stupid. I can hardly breathe, I… just want it to be over. I know everyone will be just fine without me, they’ll go on with their lives and they’ll forget me.
I feel like throwing up even though I haven’t eaten anything. I tryed working out a few days ago but I started feeling sick after a few minutes.
Every day is getting worse, exponentialy. I already am starting to be afraid to get out of the house.
I have been to many psychiatrists but pills only make me feel more sick. The last doctor that I’ve told what happened to me said that it’s just neurotransmiters in my head that aren’t working properly. Huh? Are you serious?
I can’t handle this pain anymore. I just want to give up. That’s what I am. Just a quitter and a dissapoiment.
i care, i dont wanna see u go. i will listen to u, tell me everything if u wanna talk e-mail me: hannahschelling.15@gmail.com
I’m sorry for babbling about. I can’t even think anymore. I just wrote what I feel.
It’s just so hard to even breathe…
It’s fine just.me.19 if you’re still in this state take a shower. Easiest way to get out of it. It cools you down. And if you ever are in this state again, take a shower, or splash your face with water or take deep breaths and count to 11 (11 is better then 10) Or even the panic attack method of breathing into a paper bag works. As for keeping busy- yes i am serious. It takes your mind off things. But what are you confused by?
You are not a failure. If you were you would not be here talking to me. You would not be fighting for your life. Even the bravest people think at some point they will fail. Neither are you a dissapointment. You manage so well it is unbelievable. Have you not heard a word i have said?
Shadows, it’s just the old, unbearable pain coming back. I feel too sick to do anything. I’m a bit better now but I don’t know for how long. I don’t know… I’m getting unstable again…
I heard you but it’s been so long since I really believed those things about myself…
I don’t know… I’m at a crossroad again…
By the way, I almost forgot. Did you get my invitation on msn?
@ anon46 Do you have any instant messaging ID?
Well just.me. cross roads are better then a dead end….so don’t regret that. Well then you’ll need to stop believing in those same things…that is unless you want to live the rest of your life in pure agony…
I didn’t get an invitation why not send an email instead?
@ anon46, encouragement & fakingit Sorry for replying so late. My computer hasn’t been working the last 2 days. I feel pretty sick so I’ve hardly figured out this moderating thing as well. I would want to talk but I don’t even know what to say. I’ll try to e-mail you tonight or tomorrow morning.
@ shadows I know I would have to change if I don’t want to suffer for the rest of my life. But don’t worry my life is going to end soon, in a few weeks tops. I changed once. Ha. At the beginning of 2011 I was scared to get out of my house. At the end of the fall I was ready to take on the world head on… I knew how too 🙂 … Had everything figured out, knew who I wanted to be, knew what I wanted to do (and how to do it)…
Now… I’m changing back. And can’t control anything.
You said to keep busy. I can barely keep my sanity now. And I don’t mean “I’m going insane from the pain” or anything like that. I am really losing grip on my mind. You want an example? Today I went to the store. When I got out and took my bike I couldn’t remember on what side of the road I’m supposed to ride on… Yeah… That’s how bad I am. And it’s getting worse each day. I’m afraid that soon I’ll do something really emabarasing. I feel that I’ll become a vegetable! And I don’t want to!
Haven’t I suffered enough? The fighting? That’s just the tip of the iceberg! Heavy poverty, constant bullying, manipulation. It wasn’t life. It was torture! I don’t think there was a day in my life that I didn’t want to die! I don’t have anything to regret if I wouldn’t have been born. I have never been happy. And nobody will ever know how much I suffered…
Shadows, you are such a wonderfull person! Don’t waste your time and your kindness on me! I’m so messed up inside. I don’t even know why I am here. Nothing seems to touch what’s inside. Not even your beautiful words…
You deserve the best that this life can offer! If I ever have or not… it doesn’t matter anymore… It’s too late… I’ve been whinning pointlessly for too long… so I’ll stop now.
@just.me.19- alright and u can tell me whatever u want to absolutely anything.
@ fakingit Thanks! 🙂 But… I don’t know… nothing seems to help anymore… not even talking… I wouldn’t even know what to say to you… But thank you anyway! 🙂
well ur talking to me right now…haha whatever is on your mind just say it. put it this way people have best friends they can tell them anything, i live my life as everyone’s best friend whether they feel the same way.
@ fakingit 🙂 You seem such a great person! I don’t know what’s on my mind… It’s pretty much empty right now… I feel nothing, like floating… peace, cause it’s going to be over soon… I don’t know…
haha thanks. hmmm i wish my mind could be empty like that. but u say its ganna be over soon. you gotta pull through make life smaller than it seems knock everything down and keep walking. yes i know very easier said than done cuz im struggling following my own advice.
Well, at least it’s better than what I’ve been feeling for the last months. Either terrible agony, or unmovable deadness inside and shallowness. Don’t even know which one is worse…
i would say they seem equal. do u know what makes u feel that way? like what triggers your feelings lately? i feel the same way but i have to much goin on to know what it is
I… know why I feel like this… but I can’t do anything about it…
hmmm that sucks can u say why u cant or whats going on?
I… can’t talk about it… You would just think that I’m crazy… Sorry… 🙁
no i wouldnt think your crazy, i dont judge at all i just listen, i know what its like to be judged in a negative way which is why i dont do it
I… can’t say it… At least not here… Maybe another time, in an e-mail… I’m really sorry 🙁 Hope you can understand…
Sorry for the 🙂 if you saw it… Arghh… I’m so stupid…
oh of course i understand i wasnt trying to be pushy e-mail is better if u will tell me at all i didnt think u would say it on here, i did mean in e-mail for u tell me u can tell me what it is whenever you’re ready i wont judge u for anything its prob not as bad as what i have done (which i cant say on here either) stop putting yourself down you’re fine not stupid or anything bad just BREATHE
Thank you! Glad that you can understand… 🙂 So… I guess, I’ll talk to you soon, okay? 🙂
absolutely.
Okay, then 🙂 I’ll e-mail you soon 🙂