I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m a 15 year old boy, a straight A student who just finished freshman year at a relatively good school. I am a decent track and cross country athlete, and my family loves me very much. Yet, I still constantly feel alone and useless.
I don’t quite understand people. I see people I know having fun, hanging out, and I don’t know, I can’t seem to find myself normal friends. There are plenty of people I talk to (about once a week each, about serious shit usually). I don’t know how “suicide attempt” is defined on this site, but I’ve held the knife to my throat at least 3 times in the past year. Always got myself out of it; I have a suicide pact with a girl I used to constantly talk to but haven’t talked to in months, couldn’t do it for her sake; that, and I’m a horrible *****.
I’ve been cutting 3 times a week, I don’t even know why, might be over girls (crushes really, never actually had a girlfriend, and if you saw me, you’d know why), might be just cuz my brain is fucked up. I think about life and meaning way too much, I often ask myself “this is it?” and wonder why I keep living.
There used to be a few people (girls, mind, barely ever talk seriously to boys) who could make me smile. One got a dick for a boyfriend who doesn’t let her talk to any other boys, and the rest stopped talking to me (probably because I’m so depressing and boring). I really can’t find solace in anything anymore. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I run everyday anyway, don’t really know why; I guess I keep thinking it’ll make me attractive, though I know thats not true. Anyway, I don’t really have reason in life, when I think about it, and my mind is wired as such that I have to think about it. Only reason I haven’t killed myself is that suicide pact (though, the ***** I am, I’d prolly find another excuse if I didn’t have that).
I have no idea what I’m trying to accomplish by posting this. I have no reason to be depressed and want death, yet I do. I have no idea whats wrong with me.
4 comments
nothing is wrong with you, at all. i feel constantly aloneand useless too but truly cuz i am i have nothing to do in life and im sure your not depressing and boring to talk to, u can prove me wrong if u wanna though but i highly doubt it. i dont understand people much either the way they crowd around in groups and laugh bout anything i crave that ha but i even know i will never get it. running? i friggin suck at it, but i have been told it helps depression a lot. u can post whatever i even sometimes get annoyed with my poata thinking they suck or its too random to be posting it but i do anyway cuz its ok not all of us think the same way, i wouldnt’say u have a reason but its your reason and what u feel which is perfectly ok like i said, there is NOTHING wrong with you.
I kno how you feel..Im 14 and for me its like i want it to but i dnt ive never really had suicidal thoughts until recently but i have been suffering from depression for a while I wasnt abused or anything and i guess my family loves me but i think their just about tired of me…but at least this site helps a bit….if u wna talk email me at b.harris291@yahoo.com or something
Ha, I see so much of myself in this. I usually stay in the shadows and don’t comment on this site but this time I can relate to this so much. My family loves me, just finished freshman year at a decent school and I’ve wanted to join track but I always thought I was horrible at running. And yet I always have this horribly strong feeling of loneliness and uselessness. I tend to think way too deeply about things too.
But if you ever want someone to talk to you can email me here: sarah.vanecek26@gmail.com
It sucks that you guys have to feel like this, but it is good to know I’m not alone in this.
I would love to talk to some of you guys sometime, but I can’t let my parents know that I’m depressed; they would over-react so much, so I can only talk about it after they go to bed usually, around 11:00 central time (though thats prolly gonna get later soon as its almost summer). If you guys can talk in that time frame, my e-mail is la_boheme2@sbcglobal.net. Thank you guys very much for reading.
One nice thing about track though, at least at my school; you didn’t have to be good, you just had to come to practice, and you’d get put in meets. That is even more true in Cross Country, where it doesn’t matter how bad you are at all.