Im scared. A little over a month ago my girlfriend of almost 7 years moved in with her dad in another state. We have a 4 year old son together and he means the world to me. I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic when I was just 14 and have been living with it every day of my life. Ive never suffered from depression, I just seemed to bottle up my illness and not think about it until a couple years ago. It seemed like I couldn’t hold on to a job very long and wasn’t very motivated to work.
Im actually not in the mood to type out a story. I dont think we’ll ever be a family again. She doesnt want to move back with me because of the hardships ive caused, and I dont blame her. Im scared Ill lose my girlfriend and little boy. The only thoughts Ive had for the last few weeks involve me no longer being around. Suicide seems to be my way out. Every night on my way home I think about getting in a car wreck just to end it all. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to leave my son without a daddy.
6 comments
Your son is a pretty good reason to keep on going. He needs you. He will need you even more when he gets to be about 11 or 12 years old so that someone can be there to teach him how to be a man. It is your duty. You lost your girlfriend but I’m sure you’ll find another women to love eventually. You have not however, lost your son.
My sons are the only thing stopping me too. I have 3 of them. They are teenagers and one is in college and technically they are self-sufficient and don’t need a mommy. But will they hate me for “abandoning” them? Will they have anger issues? Will they ever understand that my decision is actually practical and obvious and for the best (for me)?
Will they try the same thing down the line?
I feel your pain. When they were little I thought just waiting it out would be best. Maybe that’s an option for you. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I love them so much now that not hurting them is what keeps me going through the motions of a fat, broke, hopeless, useless, disposable mess of a person. And while I do, things get worse. Debt, fear, lonliness, weight. It just keeps building up. It’s so clear that there’s no other way out, but how do you forgive yourself for breaking your kids’ heart(s)?
If you have a son you must to live for him, he is innocent he did ask for this. Be strong, he needs you, no child deserves being left alone
I know the feeling. I’m 32 years old and I have a wonderful little 15 month old boy and a beautiful wife who I have been with for 7 years. Unfortunately I’ve also suffered an injury which leaves me unable to work, and makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit that’s nothing but a burden to them both. Because of my injuries, moving around is painful, and as a result of this I am now over 400lbs. As I can no longer work and my mortgage fell through because our life savings have been exhausted, my wife, my son and I live with my parents…who my wife hates.
The three of us live in a 9 foot x 12 foot room. My wife is talking about taking my son back to her home country 7500 miles away. She says she can’t take it anymore and she is suffering. I can’t go with her because I am not entitled to get a visa to live there with her. As I don’t work, I’d never get to visit my son, and the 8 hour time zone differences mean that I’d rarely even get to talk to either of them on skype.
I can’t blame her for wanting to go. Being in such a small space with no real room for my son to grow normally and no shot at improving our life here is more than enough reason for her to leave me and fly back home to her parents, who are quite well off and can supply my boy with almost everything he needs – except his dad.
I feel so guilty that I’m tying my wife down like this. Part of me wants to kill myself right now so that she and my son can be free, but I can’t. Truth is, I may feel guilty about it…but I’m selfish and love being with my family, even though I know my wife is depressed and my son’s cramped up. I know the right thing to do is to let her go, but it’s just too painful. My heart sinks like a rock just thinking about saying goodbye to them, and tears flood my eyes.
I’ve decided that if she does decide to leave and take my son with her that I will kill myself with an exit bag. I’d rather be dead than go through the pain of losing the only things that make life bearable. There’s no way I could ever wake up in the morning without seeing his beautiful smile.
No big long speech, no long note. Just me, a bag, some gas and a post it note that says “you are both free now”.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I would have hung myself, but I’m afraid that I’d suffer the ultimate humiliation of the rafters not being able to take my weight, and bringing the roof down on all of us!
I think that more important than “sticking around” for your son is the knowledge that your relationship with him is separate from all else.
I worry about you feeling guilted out of suicide as that may make you feel worse.
You can have a relationship with your boy, but you may need to fight for it.
Always defend your legal rights to him, remember you are his Guardian.
Good luck