Well…

I’ve had suicidal thoughts and off and on depression since I was twelve or so. I kept running away from my terrible stepmother and my father who would never recognize how she treated me. I finally moved out when I was 16, but I always had an afterschool/weekend job so I was able to afford a room for rent and gas for my moped, so that I could continue high school. I graduated just fine. Being away from my parents was a huge relief, but if you hang out with depressed people, drug addicts or losers in general, I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve always hung out with people I admired or respected, so I stayed safe and healthy. My mom was raped and stabbed as a young woman, so even though she didn’t raise me, she taught me to be wary and streetwise. She never amounted to much, but I love her (even though try not to hang out with her too often). My friends have always been my family. As soon as I graduated I began traveling, and I made a LOT of friends, all over the world. Suburban American parents are extremely fucked up in general. The rest of the world is more accepting, more realistic, and doesn’t try so hard to pretend they’re something they’re not. People in the city, or way off in the country always seem to accept differences in others. People in the suburbs, where every house looks the same, and everyone wants an SUV or a Lexus – those people are the most fucked up people on this planet. I feel so sorry for their kids. I’m 38 now but I’ve traveled a lot, worked and lived all around the U.S., and honestly I still haven’t grown up. Why become a parent and bring a child into this sad society? I’ve had a great life and even though I’ve often pondered suicide, I’d never do it unless I was in constant pain or knew I was going to die soon anyway. I’ve always liked knowing that it’s an option, and my biggest fear in life is not of dying, it’s of not having the option to kill myself when I want to.

But until that time comes I’m grateful for the amazing, passionate loves I’ve had. My incredible adventures with crazy people at sea, plus I learned how to surf (just last year), I have hiked volcanoes, was married and owned a house for a little while, started my own business (this year)… I’ve flown in helicopters, ridden horses topless in Hawaii while collecting guava… the list goes on! But I’ve never lived like I was planning for the future. I’ve never made more than $17K per year. “Responsible” suburban adults my age, with families, usually make at least five times that. Anyway, I’m guessing I’m saying there are options to what some teens are seeing as far as typical lifestyle choices in their neighborhoods.

There really is a lot of beauty out there still. The nice thing about not caring whether you live or die is that you have the balls to take risks that nobody else will take. That’s when you really start seeing just how far you can go.