I OD’d on my psychotropic (/psychiatric) pills in 2019. ‘Twas a heavy overdose and my pills were strong and of very high dosages. I was naturally almost sure that I’d wind up dead. But guess what? I woke up in the morning. Not in a good state at all, but I awoke. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t utter a solitary word. Hell, I couldn’t even see things. I was cold. I’ve a long history of mental illnesses – BD (+ Psychosis — Schizoaffective disorder) and various PDs, so my folks figured out that I must’ve once again yanked some suicidal sh_t when I […]
There are many times in the past I’ve wanted to cut, to hurt myself… But I didn’t. Because I’m afraid.
Now I cut, I slashes across my skin to creat scars… But now I’m afraid of what would become of me… What would my future be.
I’m such a coward… Afraid of everything, I don’t even dare to go deeper with my razor… Only because I’m afraid, of being found out, and afraid of the unknown amount of pain… Waiting for me in the future.
I’m scared of pain… But I love pain.
I’m scared of blood, but I’m fascinated by it.
I’m such a coward.
Fighting echoed though my house and ears. Screaming and yelling from my younger brothers mouths, screaming “I hate you!” “I wish you were never born!!” “Your stupid!”. All because you messed up, you made a mistake on a video game, geeze why this again? You never had suicidal thoughts before, where did you get the thought? You went up to your room silently screaming. You tried to drown but chickened out, you grabbed a belt and tightened it around your throat but the closet poll wasn’t high enough, you got another thought, you grabbed a razor you thought it wouldn’t cut good enough so you […]
I never wear regular or low rise jeans. Not because I’m insecure about my body. Not because I’m “in love” with the high-waisted jeans. It’s because I cut myself on my hip. Lines and lines of tiny cut marks all over. I cut my hip and watch the blood flow and relish the pain. It’s the only thing that stops the pain inside my head.
As I sit down in the darkness of my room
with the blade pinching through my skin
i can feel the blood flow
and the joy it brings from within.
Press harder the mind says
Go towards the vein,
why live this hardship called life
when all you face is pain.
she’s crazy (they say)
no, she’s weird
either way, she’s better off dead __/\/\_________..
i stole a pencil sharpener from my girlfriend today. i lied to her. told her I’m okay. now i have a blade. school starts Monday. all i want is to rip into my skin.
I’m 46. I was a child of 2 sexual abusers for years. Ok! I had to finally accept that in my adulthood. I dealt with domestic violence abuse from someone that was suppose to love my children and I. I protected my children the best I knew how. After dealing with it for 8 years, I finally found a way out for my children and I. I attended college for 2 years and eventually married. I raised my 3 and his 2, but tragically in 2007, I lost a child to post bmt. I busted my ass everyday to try to save her with hardly any […]
I take one glance at my wrist and see the thin bluish, greenish web-like veins
The urge to open them up today is to strong
To feel the high hot warmth of blood drip and then then rush down my wrists contaminating whatever it lands on.
To feel the sharp jabs of needles that causes my eyes to water and for me to go momentarily blind.
I pray for an eternal silence.
I am kind of stuck. I’ve wasted an entire year at university but have been barely able to get out of bed let alone get a degree, so now I am redoing my second year. (I am writing a separate post about that)
All I want to know is, how am I supposed to go and get help from a doctor if I am too anxious? I know many people on here suffer from anxiety, how did you first go and get help? Like my nervousness is so crippling I can’t even think about going to the doctors!
I get stomach pains when I am anxious, and […]
I can’t take this emotional spiral I feel like everyone is against me No one really cares I’ve been home for 6 day from residential I’m so done with this rollercoaster I’m getting off I’m gonna cut my brachial artery (the place you get blood drawn opposite of elbow,any tips or advice plz comment
been a long time since i have suicidal thoughts going on through my mind . it seems like getting stronger each day . the scars on my wrist are getting deeper and deeper each day . and each day , I’m hating myself even more . every day i questioned myself why am i even alive . i just wished i can be died . be dead by losing a lot of blood or even eating a lot of pills so i overdosed . my life couldn’t get any worser . why am i alive . why is my life like this . i just […]
These sharp edges gushing blood
something warm
something numb
this is all I have to give
these little lines
for all to see
they see pink
they see scabs
they see this wretched
young female
in this world to succeed and die
I hold this life in these hands
that pierce something squishy something warm
something that shines
a colorful red
marks the skin
and betrays your mouth
of beautiful words that’s all lies
so they don’t see that you aren’t well.
In the beginning
They were just two kids
One lived with depression
The other lived in bliss
They found a new feeling
On June 26
Their world changed forever
After the first kiss
Months passed
At times life felt jaded
But they knew
They couldn’t be separated
Throughout their time
Love never faded
Storms came
But always dissipated
Colors vanished
On this one day
He could see red blood
But the sky turned grey
His angel had left
He started to decay
Sweet lovely death
She flew away
The still young child
Wept through the dreamland
He was walking alone
Though he could barely stand
He felt something […]
She kisses like cough syrup when I have a cold.
but we’re not in love, we’re just alone.
Like a drug company’s overdose.
Trying to replace our heads with holes.
We’re missing days and spending weeks.
Only passing through looking for company.
And semen released is a rotting stomach.
Like a body drained of blood.
My flaw. Our failure.
…I haven’t posted in a while, and that’s becouse I’ve been trying to be happy and stay happy. But why do I always end up at the starting point, feeling worthless and tired? This deppression suffocates me, it’s not letting go. Sharp knife rests on my wrist begging to slice it open! I know I shouldn’t do it. Trying to restrain myself….but it feels so good! The pain is addictive, the blood is beautiful! I’m afraid of what people will think of me if I tell them how I feel. Will they think I’m weird and insane? Am I weird? Am I insane?
Things have gotten better. They really have. Ive got a new job now, helping out an old friend, my depression has subsided and im ready to get off the meds now, and i barely hallucinate anymore. It used to be much worse. I wouldnt eat. I wouldnt sleep. Or i would sleep for days on end without water even. My heavy self medication with marajuana and alcohol has turned into lighter recreational use, and i feel like that previously impregnable barrier between myself and others has subsided substantially. I feel like a human being again. I feel successful even. But really, thats the problem. It […]
It may look like scribbles to you but they are words just 2 words “worthless” and “useless” (there is more words I have written this way but can’t bend my arm to get a pic) I needed to feel something I need to feel pain. (I also drew death with his scythe which I can’t bend my arm far enough to take pictures of that…) No I’m not bleeding tbh the site of blood makss me feel quite queasy. But I […]
Do I have to spend my life trying to try? Trying to fix things? No. Wrong question. But yes, being alive is being hopeful. Hopeful? Even though life eats you up all the way from the inside before it even begins to show on the outside. I’m talking about the scars you have from letting blood, because that makes sense; you cut yourself and blood escapes the crease that separates what binds the skin together.
Nor the bags under your eyes caused from endless sleepless nights or disturbed sleep caused by misread and confounding dreams that make you want to avoid sleep, one of the only […]
This is Ylem the Masochist speaking. And no… Not in a sexual way…
I want to strangle myself until I’m blue. Deprive myself of oxygen. That is just the beginning.
I need a whip. Scourge myself to the brink of dead. See flesh peeling off and blood pouring. Beat myself up like a fucking animal that I am.
I want to cut open my veins and watch the blood pour out. Feel dizzy and drained from all the blood loss.
I’m not done.
Bang myself against the wall until I have a concussion and collapse.
To top it all of. Plunge a knife in my gut and hold my intestines in […]
They are always watching….
Now, I am just waiting….
Blood will out…
I will be remembered…
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