what should i do?

my name is robert, and i am having difficulties with life at the moment, i guess you can say that i am not as depressing , i am very strong actually but even the toughest can fall down sometimes. i have a emotional attachemtn problem , my problem is that i fell in love and i don’t know how to let go. it started of as friends typical right? but it was so great , the greatest friends you could find ;were not that regular we like to do the same things we love only horror movies , we like earie things ,murder cases,stuff like that . and we got each other so well it was like we were meant to be , at the time of the friendship she had a gf and i was alone w/e right at the moment i could care less i mean she was nto girls so my mind atomatically put up a barrier of awesome friendship like oh yeah that my friend more like my sister kinda thing. anyways her gf hated me but i always tried my best to keep them happy i would push myself out of the way to make ends meet for them , we were young 16 yr olds so i had to force my mom to take us everywhere so they can meet up together while i stayed out of it until they finished then we would go home an just be whatever, once i even walked 6 milesin the blazing hot sun walking over to a beach with mosquitos everywhere just for them to have their time together. anyhow he gf and her broke up after a year and at that point i was like ok hope she finds someone else but for the mean time we can hang out normally without her ex gf being all mad , anyways i had started getting a crush on her but i always thought of her as a sister lesbian friend that would never happen so i stayed my limit and then i got lonely so i started talking to other people i eventually had the chance to get a gf but my best friend comes up and says don’t go out with her becuase if you do we will no longer be able to hang out and she goes to school here so we will literally have no time together at all anymore ,and me and this girl had already been talking for a long time ,ok like a month but still .i stopped talking to her completely because it’s true it would have ate up our friendship so i stayed there for her , 2 weeks pass by and we went to eat lunch and all of the sudden bam she says im going out with someone ,who i will refer to as ( jaime) a boy and someone who isn’t like her one bit some football player kinda guy and im like wth , i was shocked and i left the table at that oint i was really mad becuase when i tried to get a gf , my love for her made me give that up and she didn’t do the same for me so i was devastated ,eventually she said that she would break up with him and she only did it because she felt bad if she said no becuase he was begging her , i beleived it and it turned into a week and i asked why havent you broken up she said to give it more time , and i was like ok but every time i would see them i would get extremely jeoulous but i didn’t take much into it , and then one day we hung out at the park like all 3 of us and a friend named gena ND MY JEOLOUSY GOT OUT OF CONTROL LIKE I STARTED BEING REALLY MEAN TO HIM we were playing basket ball and i would throw the basket ball with too much force to him ad i would just be really mean and sometimes be nice, but mostly mean , some days later me and berna (bestfriend girl ive been talking about) went to a party at that point she had already caught on to me liking her but she never really did anything about it , and that night i made the first move with enough courage i kissed her and she kissed me back ,it was such an amazing feeling sparks blew and we went home and before she got off the car she turned around and said kiss my goodnight and i did, and before she left ,i asked her if we were dating now ? and this question was brought up with so much fear i lterally was so scared of rejection and she said yes.YESSS!!! i went home excited for sleep knowing that tomorro was gonna be a day of me being a taken man! i went to go eat that day with my aunt and i was all excited telling everyone she was my gf and going home and jumping up and down being all excited ,i call her and ask what she’s doing and she said oh i just got off the phone with jaime, and i asked oh were you breaking up with him? and she said no ?why would i be doing that ? and i said arn’t we dating? and she said no … i immedietly started crying becuase i was so dissapointed and then she said it because i feel so bad for him just give me more time i promise and i was very depressed but i trusted her word and said ok ,days would pass and they grew tighter he started going to her house ,something i would only do ,he met her parents, he toook her places , all the stuff i did but obviously better i mean he had a truck and i was chafferoned by my mom all lame. well she kept going on and on about loving me and only being with him becuase she felt bad and evedtly she told me she liked him and i kept crying like a little ***** for her to break up with him and just be with someone like me,and she would start getting very depressed and said ok i will break up with him and i would stop and tell her to not break up with him becuase i could tell it in her voice that she didn’t really want to do it, and i wanted her to be with me becuase she loved me , so i let it be even if it killed me in the inside .she said to just give it time and for now to try to be their friend and i didn’t want to lose her so i said ok , so the next day we went to the gym and he so awesome ly came to give her a ride back home , a ride i usually would have gaven her :/ and i told her i would try to be his friend so i wen tout and shook his disgusting hand and before i did he had his hand out and i wiithdrew at first but then just said ok , then i threatened to get him if he hurt her ,and she got in the car and drove home …oh yeah i had to walk home they didn’t even offer, i cried all the way back home becuase that was my official losing . i had to get over it though to stay her friend , the next day she called me and said hey want to come over for dinner and i told her i still had feelings for her and she said not to forget she only needed time with him so i wasn’t to depresseed because i still had hope , i had things to do with my mom so i told her i may not make it on time to get to have dinner together and she said it’s ok she’ll wait for me and it was late and my mom didn’t want me to be out ate but i begged her to let me go ,and thenn i firced her to take me , when i got there i was all excited then i looked through the window before i knocked on the door, and there i saw them sitting together in the computer room playing guitar .it looked so perfect with me out of the picture, i really wanted to go home and cry but i had made my mom bring me so i knocked on the door, and she said i don’t think you want to be here and at that moment i was kinda shocked it was like she preffered him there becuase she didn’t ask him that , that question is obviously a i have someone over don’t disturb in a nice way …kinda, and i said no i have no problem in my head i was dying and wanted to burst into tears but like i said im strong, she went inside the little room and i asked oh arn’t we gonna eat and she said oh we ate without you,and her excuse was i didn’t think you were coming …after she had said oh i’ll be waiting for you… and she lead me to the table to eat a plate while they hung out in the room ,yeah real nice the guest in eating by himself in someone else’s house , i wasn’t even that close to her parents but i ended up having to stay there talking to her mom about how great jaime was and how they were so cute together i was saying the truth though i said i din’t really knew hima dn that i guess they were cute , they came out to eat with me moments later i was almost done with the food ,i’m great at making awkward situatons and he knew i hated him and wanted berna and he said i have to go …obviously becuase it was awkward for him ,before he left i waved goodbye really sarcastically to him and i ate my food or whatever , she came back inside and we talked and eventually got over it , i mean our times together were magical to me they erased what had happened earlier in the day ,i left home and i called her and asked again how long i had to wait and she said just one more week well that one more week they got closer and i saw them kiss in the chool i was so disgusted and depressed that i ran to the bathroom to throw up (literally) ii wanted to faint ,call me dramatic but thats how dramatic my love was . i told her i caught them kissing and how i threw up and she said she was sorry but that she was gonna break up with him and she never did , and i was so hopeless already that at the last day of our friendship she said to meet her outside of the school so we can go to a powerlifting meet together , and i said ok i was really excited just to see her , i don’t know i was feeling really good that day and i school eneded and we walked to the front of the school and jaime was there so she stayed to talk to him while i waited outside to give them their moment and they stayed outside talking till everyone from school left home like 30 minutes and i walked back insiide and said berna are we gonna go and she said yeah hold on im gonna get money from my dad so we can go to the meet and she took jaime with her and told me to wait out in the front and that it would only take 5 minutes , 5 minuteaeneded up being 1 hour and i was in the sun waiting , my friend kassandra came up to me and ssaid lets just go to the met and i said no i have to wait for berna she told me to wait right here, and she called her and turns out she was already at the meet, and kept me waiting there, on the pnone i was like ive been waiting out here for an hour and she still said wait ill be there in 5 minutes just stay but i was already wlaking over and i swea she saw me , she got his face looked him in the eyes and gave him a big smooch and hug … it was like a never been kissed moment …oh and the me seeing them playing guitar was the notebook when that guy see’s the redhead girl kiss her fiance in a wedding gown. anyhow at that moment i was so devasted that i didn’t want to do anything i went ot the meet sat with my friends but kept silence , and 10 minutes later she comes up and gives me corn nuts and i say no thank you and give them back to her then i asked my frind kassandra to please giee me a ride home an dberna asked why are you getting a ride from her whne you always get rides from me, and i didn’t answer back , and she got really mad and said the most hurtful words ill ever hear inn my life’ robert your’e so fucking annoying being this way , literally get out of my life’ i just said ***** and that i would make that a promise and walked out. first i thought about how mean it was for her ot lead me on so badly , and then for her to do that to me stand me up , oh and how she thrw 2 years of friendship with me down the drain for a guy she only knew in 4 weeks, i went home a did her a favor out of my kindness and deleted all the pictures of me on her facebook and then deleted he rpictures off mine i was gonna get out of her life like she wanted even that i did for her, she called me later calling me a big ***** and a ***** and asshole a ************ oh and ussy once more and then got more mad when she foun out i deleted my pictures and threatened to presses charges for destruction of property and i said they had me in it so you wuooildnt have a very good case , and she kept screaming at me so all isaid was blahh blahh blahh and hung up multiple times,and then she called and said she was gonna drive over to my house to kick my ass. it was th weekend and that was the very first 2 days we had gone without talking to each other yes the very first out of 2 years, we went back to school and sat at different places no contact of words what so ever ,we were very mad , and she went of with jesse 9jaime) while i went out with other friends that were trying to keep me happy so i wouldn’t be depressed becuase inmy heart i still loved her so much and still hated jesse . but i held it back becuase i was waiting for her to apologize to me and hopefully break up with him , she never did though so i would secretly stalk her and her facebook always tying to ake sure she was ok , and luckily she was , then one day she came inside class asking gena if her jips got bigger , i din’t take it that hard then and there becuase i thought she was just asking if she was fat or sojething but i asked gena late rin the day and she admitted they were having sex………… i cried so bad and at school something i hated doing what kind of guy likes letting other people see them cry , i couldn’t help it i cried so bad knots int he thraot and my back looking like my lungs were gonna rip out of them , my friend gena took me outside to breathe and tried to say they did it for expirament , but that was it . i felt horrible so so horrible she gave up something to a guy she was only going out with for a month , at first i said i was really dissapointed and then i said it was dissgusting and the n i started crying becuase i couldnt hide the fact that i had lost the girl a i loved and the girl i loved lost her virginity to someone other than me. and even now , that is one thing he will always have that i don’t , i will never have that peice. 3 weeks wnt by and i couldn’t take it i went up to her and said i wanted to be friends again and that i din’t care if they had sex or whatever cause i just wanted to be near her becuase i truely loved her and when i said i would walways be there i was gonna keep that promise, and she threw me off her and din’t say a word every other day i kept trying to alk to her , she wouldnt nudge one bit and evedentuallly she gave me a not eone day asking me if i could be her friend i got all excited the butterlfys were back ,she was finally back into my life and better yet they broke up!!! 2 weeks later it was my turn me an dberna were going out , it was os awesome we clicked automatically all over agin and it was fine for a while till prom came up and she said for me and her to kiss in front of jesse to make him jeolous! ,thats when all the problems started happening , i got really insecure again i guess you can say i was scraed to have that happen to me again so i got deprresse dlla night and she found out an i told her and then every other ay i would ask her suff likke am i better than him , why did you do that to me , if he uglier than me, who did you really like more. and so forth . at first when we got together i could care less in fact i was really confident until that prom day. oh yeah forgot to mention our first words when we got back together was , hey why are you all awkward ,oh and don’t feel bad over me and jesse he had a small dick anyways but regardless of that i dont regret it becuase it was a experience and i said im just glad your’e back. ok back to where iwas at i got insecure and she ot tired of it and would threaten to break up if i kept mentioning him …it’s not my fault she never made me feel good compared to him , it was like i had to know on my own. but how could i /after all the trauma that happended to me . ok anyways THE SEX it was a day at my house and she turned off the lights and started making out with me and then she starting moving her hips all over my junk and i said i couldn’t do it , becuas ei wasn’t ready … reason why i didn’t becuase i din’t want to have sex only after 2 months i wnated it to be real get me? and i was kinda feeling bad over her doing jesse first. later on weeks passed by and i let her have sex with me why becuase i knew that regardless of her meybe not loving me , was that i knew i really did love her and i wouldn’t regret losing it to someone i love and i also felt very bad for her becuase i knew how bad she wanted it. so i gave in …i wans’t able to come the first couple of times becuase so many thoughts ran thrugh my head and she has my virginity yet i do not have hers. ok well months passed by and she is really mean to me like horrible well have good times but mostly she will get mad over everything, for the things i wear for the firnds i have ,being late, not calling , going out with family, everything and i would cry and tell ehr why she would do this to me and she said if you want to be with you have to take the bad side in order to afford the good using that whole if you cant ahndle me at my worst you dont deserve me at he rbest or whatever, and i thought but youre mostly at your worst , and i would cry becuase she owuld dump me and she ouwld come hit me with keys and throw them at me while i cried on the ground and she would say why are you crying and i said becuase youre leaving me and i can timagine life without you , and she would shrugg and say get the fuck up you look riiculous . and thats how my life was for a year happy moments with horrible fights, evedentually we had fights severe as her wanting to run over me to her wantting to kill herself becuase someone looked at me , or me jumping off a car becuase she was being mean and wouldn’t stop ,we would get into fight someotimes becuase she was mean to others an i could accept that , she would be mean to me but not to others like her sister when she would get mad at her and spit in her face i would jump in and get mad at her and sy why do you have to do stuff like that and all she would say was becuase i can and shrugg he rhsoulders, then we would stay mad until i couldnt take it and would ask for her back yeah me asking her, saying i was sorry when it was her fault. it went on like that till on day we got into a huge fight becuase i got insecure and asked her to name all the bad things in jesse , to bost up my confiedence because it ouwld kill me seeing hima t school evryday and wondring why she did that to me for him, and at first she told me they only had sex once but then she made i seem like they did it more tha once and that made me really sad and she walked away , it made me wonder how hot she actually thought he was becuase she would walays complain about how he had a small penis and was so hairy or whatever , but yet she let him do that she had had to think it was appealing obviously . i sure as hell wouldnt let someone have sex wih me if i was disgusted by them so she was disguested whatever. she walked away and that was then end of it she cam eback apologised then we went off and she kept being mean and i told her i couldn take it and broke up with her and i didnt call back , she was so scared ot lose me that she started aking the calls and for the first time wa sbeggin on her knees for me , i ended up likng it so i turned into the mean one and she would cry and ask why i was so mean and i said because i have a fea rof being nice becuase then i will get treated like cat poop, and she promised me no more fights and i said ok so i became nice all over again but it seems every time im nice she’s always mean and fights about something something is always wrong in he rhead . when nothing could be wrong shes pretty had it all , has it all has no one to be jeolous of becuase she was my first everything and i never eft he rfor someone. the fights wen on and on and today i couldnt take it and broke up with her, but im so scared becuase theres a part of me thats had it already and the other that sill is in mad love with her.