A much needed closing statement

How do you really start something you feel inside and just want to vocalize? There is really no reasoning for any of this, I have made my decision, I just feel it will take a lot off my shoulders until then. I do have those around me who I can talk to but no one I can tell what I’m really feeling and the decision I’ve made. My plan is to next week once I can afford all of  the equipment and means I need necessary is to make an exit bag, buy a canister of Helium, buy a  regulator with tubing, and rent a hotel room. Then I will end my life. I have chosen to do so in a hotel room to minimize repercussions on others around me. I know there is really no way to avoid getting any media involved but I would like to take a lot of stress and questioning off those who are helping me in my life right now. I also choose not to defile anyone’s house or do so in a public location. I know it’s not right for me to end my life in a hotel either but I don’t have many options. If I had a car I would do so in my car but unfortunately I do not. Well with all of that said I guess this is my story.

Earlier this year I was still with my ex, of 4 1/2 years. It was love at first sight. We started dating the day we meet and we actually moved into together within the first month of dating. I know it was fast but we got along so well. We had lived together pretty much the entire relationship. At the end of last year we had decided we were going to move to another state, big decision, but we weighed the pros and cons and was something we both wanted and was well within our financial reach. So in Jan I sold my car and bought us a more economical car, we had 3 dogs, so something that was more family fitting. Also along with selling my car and buying the new car I received back about $7000, which would help us in the move itself. At the beginning of Feb we put our 30 days in at our apartment and were packing for the big move. Then Feb 7th is when everything went wrong. It was a like any other day, we went to work (we worked together at the same job) got home and she put on a movie while I wanted to take a nap. I guess she wanted attention during this time and wasn’t vocalizing it but when I confronted her on it I basically told her there’s no reason to be upset (I know really not what you tell a lady but I did) which started an argument. So we’re arguing and she gets up and leaves the room, she hates if I ever do this so I was upset at this action and basically took from it that the argument was over. I got up and went to the kitchen to do something else, when she comes back out and starts yelling at me. So since we’re all heated up my decision is I want to leave to go for a walk and call her from a payphone, was between cells phones at that moment, so we could be calm and talk civilly. I head to leave the apartment and she corners me at the door. We’re in each others faces arguing when our newest dog, whom is her baby gets along with her a lot more than I, attacks me. He bit me in the leg and actually really messed up my leg (had to eventually go to the hospital to get it treated). I still don’t think she saw or even believes he bit me. Especially cause I’m taller than her and she was looking up at me when it happened but when she saw my reaction to Cody, the dog, she got even more worked up holding me back against the door and this gets him even more worked up. I made a horrible decision then, I felt cornered and in danger (I had my back to the door, a wall on one side and the couch on the other) I pushed her back away from me. I had pushed her hard and she wasn’t expecting it, she fell back partly onto our coffee table. When I did that things kinda calmed down, I felt so fucking bad but even though I know this isn’t the right thinking I didn’t apologize then. I wanted, no needed to be vindicated, needed her to know I did that because I was so hurt in the process of this fight. I was so distraught, she wasn’t really saying much and I was going on about how hurt I was and how much the newest dog has put so much stress on our relationship. I love my dogs more than anything don’t get me wrong we just were not equipped to have so many. We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 2 cats and 3 dogs, way too many animals plus the newest was a bigger dog than our two other ones. After me saying all of this I left the apartment, I still had the intention of calling her from a payphone but we needed both to cool off. I walked to the corner liquor store to get change and when I left I saw 3 cop cars drive by, which apparently saw me, turned around and picked me up right on the street. It was very embarrassing to be arrested in front of all of my neighbors, but I was arrested and charged with Felony Domestic Violence and Felony Concealed Weapon (had kept a knife in those pants) and was taken to jail. Before actually being taken to jail and booked I was able to call my ex. When I was on the phone I was telling her how sorry I was that this happened but I was really stressed and worried about going to jail, never been arrested before and here I am getting charged with 2 felonies and have a $70,000 bail. She kept saying you don’t sound sorry but I never would have believed this would be the last time I would ever talk to her. I was released 3 days later pending a Criminal Case, she left me in jail gave my mom all of my clothes. Took everything else, everything I’ve ever owned, all my money, the dogs, and the new car. I was forced to move back home with my family. It was very rough, although I was much more concerned losing her than my pending court case. I thought it may just be a break up and time could heal the wounds. When I was released the state issued a restraining order. Which I broke multiple times, the first thing I did when I got out of jail I tried to call her. She wasn’t home. A week later I tried calling her and she hung up on me the second she realized it was me.

Around Feb 25th I decided to end my life, I wrote out a huge suicide note to her, talking about the fight itself from my point of view, how much I loved her, and how I wanted her back into my life. Which I sent to her online. Then I tried to hang myself. It was much too painful, suspended I actually pulled myself back up and held myself up while I was able to pull off the noose. I immediately fled fearing the worst for sending out the suicide note and now people knowing my intents. I was found about 8 hours later and the next day actually checked myself into a mental institution. Which actually helped a lot, I was nice being able to get everything out. When I was released I just tried living my life, well I guess better put passing time hoping she would come back into my life. Around the middle of March I sent her a long text message about how much I missed her and could not give up on her. It was very long. I never received a response although I did receive a unknown call which I missed. Still don’t know if it was her that called. This was the last time I ever tried to contact her. She did however at the end of Feb contact one of my friend’s girlfriends to tell her how she had moved and received money from the state for her relocation and then goes on to tell her how I went crazy and she left me. From what I was told my ex was very emotionless in the conversation. I still don’t know why she called her, as this would be the first time she would have ever called this girl (I mean we all hung out, we even had gotten this girl a job with us in the past but they were never that close).

At the end of March I was served by the police. It was from my ex for a Temporary Restraining Order. It was a huge report, it took me awhile to read it, it was demeaning and hard to swallow. She’s claiming for the last year of her and my relationship I had been raping her, sexually abusing her, sexually degrading her, forcing her into unprotected sex, and beating her daily. Also coming after me for another $12,000 that I apparently owe her. None of this true at all, the stories she depicted are so blown out of proportion. Even one account where I beat her the ground and beat her back to the ground 7-10 more times each time she tried to get up, yet claims that there was never any bruising so thats why she never filed a report (she’s a white girl by the way). What didn’t help any of this was the fact she was pregnant, we had just found out the beginning of Feb (her last period was 5 weeks prior and so we took a couple pregnancy tests which all came back positive). Which she had aborted upon filing for this TRO. This just devastated me I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. This woman I had spent the last 4 1/2 years of my life with had become someone so vindictive. I called my mom and told her and immediately after called my attorney. I hired an attorney for my criminal case, a family friend and a great attorney. I met with him a couple days later and even though he doesn’t handle any civil cases let me hire him to represent me in this civil case too.

Over the next month my ex apparently was blowing up the police left and right. Whom in turn were pressuring the DA, whom was pressuring the Judge, who was pressuring me. Each court appearance, criminal or civil, was hell. Each time they wanted to fry me. Although things never capsized every one believes her and is doing everything they can to help her. One appearance for my civil the judge didn’t want to grant us a continuance for pending evidence (waiting on a police report) because it would inconvenience my ex to have to come back to court. At one point she even convinced them to put a warrant out for my arrest. Which I took care of in court but just to be sought after again by the law just because she willed it was horrible. It seemed every time I had a little ‘win’ in court something new would come up or she would bring something else to the table. Which scares me the most. Any time between court dates I just sit and wonder what she’s doing now. Nothing already made any sense but as time went on it made less and less. She already has everything of mine. I know in losing me there is a financial hole, although she has all my money, but to come after me for more; you can’t take blood from a rock. But to actively be trying to put me in jail and ruin the rest of my life is another thing. When I was released from jail my initial charges were dropped down to Misdemeanors, although the DA amended my charges to add 3 counts of breaking my restraining order, so being charged with 5 Misdemeanors.  Now if I lose the civil case I would owe her the $12,000+ she’s asking, pay her bills, for any emotional damages, for the next 10 years, and then the DA could pick up all of her allegations and charge me with them. Making me a sex offender and changing the rest of my life and my options and potentially compromising a lot of my future decisions.

During the next month things were pretty cut and dry, my attorney’s plans were to attend court see what kind of Judge we have, see what the DA presents and go from there, if we weren’t happy we’d see what happens next date. We were then presented with an ultimatum accept a plea or go to trial. The plea being accepting all 5 Misdemeanors and 120 days in jail. Our best case scenario was getting off with a disturbing the peace, now that was a distant memory. Apparently over that last month she had moved on from calling the police to calling the Supervising DA on a daily basis. My attorney wanted to push on with the case because he believed we still had a chance of winning and it being the right thing to do but he told me it was my decision because I would be gambling with the rest of my life. Now looking at 1-3.5 years in jail. With more likely receiving 1-2 years, but now even if we won in court for this Criminal I still was more likely than not coming away with a couple Misdemeanors. Over the last month I was doing a lot to help myself in court, gathering character witnesses, even getting some of my ex’s friends to testify for me. People she had told she wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me. We did talk about marriage, a lot, we talked about kids, we actually wanted kids the next year. This was a big thing to me I’m 26 years old and I’ve always wanted to be a father before I was 30, I’ve always wanted to be a young dad so I can be there and do more with my kids. But none of this mattered anymore because the DA can just turn it around on me, saying yes she did love me but saying victims do love their aggressor or else they would have left them. And also there is no real witness to Domestic Violence.  So in the end it comes down to my testimony vs hers and whom the jury believes. Then afterwards dealing with my civil case. My attorney also expects for her to soon sue me again civilly for pain and suffering just because she can, and I am apparently always at the top of her agenda. No matter what we both know that she’s not done with me and there’s no knowing when she will be. I had told my attorney that I knew she had gotten money from the state but now the state is coming after me for that money. Which was very surprising to him, it’s very hard to get on the victim witness program and even harder to get any money from them right away. She had gotten over $4000 from the within 23 days. Upon countless more thousands. Now my attorney has had thousands of cases and over 700 Domestic Violence cases but he says this makes his top 5 for craziness.

Now here I stand a shell of my former self. I feel so worthless and so undesirable. I have nothing to show for the 26 years of my life. I choose to work instead of going to college. A friend’s family actually took me in and gave me a job and I’m currently living with them while they help me get back onto my feet. But I’m in over $15,000 debt from the relationship, owe my family money for my attorney, the IRS is already after me and I didn’t file my taxes for last year because my ex has everything of mine. Was an independent contractor all last year so I didn’t have my receipts to claim anything. Now I know in all honesty the monitory value isn’t much, I know there are plenty more people in more debt then myself, but it’s more over it’s going to be a lot of time before I even have anything to give to the world. Now I know she has done so many unforgivable things to me but I miss her so much, everyone says they’re surprised on how well I’m taking everything but on the inside I’m dying. I would take her back in an instant I miss my life so much. Also since none of this makes any sense I feel there is something wrong with her and it pains me that I can’t be there to help her though this. I dream about her every night, I am a very vivid dreamer I dream every night and always feel the emotions from my dreams. They’re always us talking about what has happened and us getting back together. Although last night was the first time she didn’t take me back in one of my dreams. I don’t want any of this anymore I just plainly cannot do this. Without her my life has lost all meaning and I don’t want to be with anyone else but her. With that said I feel I’ve experienced plenty in my life and feel maybe this was my exit cue. Things do happen for a reason maybe this is it.

I just want the end and have it in sight and there’s really no turning back. I will be gone by the end of this week depending on hotel prices because of this holiday week. I know there is plenty more inside of me that I want to get across and probably things I have forgotten but it does feel good seeing all of this written out. I just wish there was a way I could do it all again.