I’ve never let anyone in close enough to see the ugliness inside. Last summer, my dad came the closest after some emotional emails I’d sent him. He drove the 6 hours to my city and spent the week taking me out to dinner and talking, trying to figure out what was wrong. But I burned him like I’ve done everyone else.
I burned my grandmother when I told her to stop talking to me. I burned my co-workers when I took up the vow of silence at the office. I burned my father by never replying to any of his follow up emails after we had a falling out. I burned my aunt by shutting her out despite the fact that she’s the one that understands me the most. I burned Lili when I told her to vent her issues to one of her other friends. I burned ryan, leah, jason, lisa, karen, jim, matthew, rochelle, kim, trish, joanne, diana, keri by ignoring them/flaking on them and their helping, friendly hands.
And for what? Why? It wasn’t the drugs; it wasn’t because I chose drugs over them.
So why? What’s wrong with me?
Maybe it was drugs.
granny-what the hell do I have to say to you anymore? you’re religious and I’m not. you love jesus more than you love me. nuff said.
co-workers-it’s all jealousy; I have no life and hearing them yack about their full and flourishing lives leaves me feeling green.
daddy-i have nothing to say to you. you want me to do, be someone, try try try, and i can only manage that sometimes.
aunty jo-jo-the last time you drove me home and told me that story about the teenager you’d been couseling that week; it made me laugh inside to hear of his drug abuse and your cluelessness as to why he was throwing himself away. I understood.
lili-i’ve been in love with you for years; you get me better than anyone and I get you. i can’t be your friend though; i can’t stand by and hear about your getting fucked by every dude that isn’t me. I can’t do that anymore. I want to be that guy, I want to be the one to hold your heart. I wanted it all and you chose nothing.
friends-i feel broken inside. hearing about your lives, the progress you make in yours; it reminds me of my absolute fear of doing, moving, of changing my own in any significant way. I’m never going to be as happy or as adjusted as you are, or have the capacity to be. I’m so afraid to do anything real, to even be caught looking at a stranger. I can’t handle most aspects of living in this human body and listening to you all, hearing how effortless you go about your daily lives has built up a well of resentment inside.
I can’t be like the rest of you, my flagging social network. Just seeing other people is a constant breaking news bulletin to the brain that I’m on the outside looking in. EVeryday hurts; I have no motivation to change, any belief that I can be anyone but myself. Before drugs, I wasn’t much better. I’ve always been this but it’s only since I started smoking that I’ve begun to act out the way I feel.
This is where I’m at now. I can go back fairly easily since my poison of choice is only mary and I can kick her relatively easy. The question that keeps popping up though is, then what? I’m still going to have the storm of negative feelings inside; being off drugs will just make me more present and able to hide my sickness. But when I’m home, alone, what do I do then? What do I combat the sadness with? drugs, no drugs, drugs, no drugs.
I was the same before, just more willing to go along with the bullshit. Do I want that back, the little bit of skill that I possessed at hiding among the masses and pretending to be like them? I can’t just do mary a couple times a week or have any sort of self control; I have an addictive personality. As a kid, it was TV; I’ve yet to find a more suitable replacement than mary.
If I get off her though, I’ll go back to feeling like I care about people a little, like I want to try. I’ll fail and shit as I always did, get depressed, think about getting high.. I dunno.
4 comments
Sometimes parents and people you care about don’t expect you to conform to their expectations. They just want what’s vest for you. If theres a problem like drugs or even worse gambling and alcoholism, as long as its in the open people can deal with it. They say the first step is to admit there’s a problem.
Whilst it may bring temporary relief, I don’t think smoking pot is helpful. My wife was a chronic smoker for a number of years; she was self-medicating in an attempt to deal with her depression and body image issues. The thing is that when she was doing this, I felt her slipping away from me. The connection we had just seemed to evaporate. When she finally quit earlier this year, it was too late – my feelings for her had already changed to the point where whilst I love her as a person and I still find her physically attractive, I’m just not in love with her anymore. The pot, as well as her prescription meds, just made her even less motivated then ever.
I suspect you are younger than I am, and therefore you still have plenty of time on your side. Try and find at least one or two things that make you happy WITHOUT requiring the assistance or approval of others, and then go and do it. If you’re passionate about something, and you work hard at it, you can be a success. You might even find the girl for you. I know that if I could hop in a time machine and go back and talk to the 20 year old me, I’d be telling me to ignore everything anyone has ever told me, and just do EXACTLY what I want, and don’t seriously invest myself in a woman until I am in my 30s. It’s possibly not the most helpful advice you’ll get here, but if you’re barely in your 20s and you can get past this hump, then you still have a ton of unrealised potential. Good luck.
I know how you feel. I had also turned to pot and alcohol to self-medicate. I actually used alcohol to try and make my last attempt “easier”. It failed, and the end result was the love of my life leaving me.
The pot doesn’t help, from what I can tell all it’s done has made me (mentally) slower. Being high is a temporary fix, except it doesn’t really fix anything. You just forget about the pain or find something else to distract you. When it wears off you’re usually worse off than you started, because nothing’s changed and chances are there was some other productive thing you could have been doing with your time.
I don’t know what to tell you dude. Do what you gotta do. It sounds like all you want is for people (or someone) to understand you, but it’s not going to happen if you’re 6 feet under…
hey tphg .. I’d like to offer my perspective on some points
regarding your co-workers: they may have great lives (from a social conditioning pov), but another question is: do their lives make them happy or is it all show ? is it possible they are just pretending to be fulfilled, hoping others will envy them ? is it their lives you envy or the fact they seem to enjoy them ?
let’s forget about lili for a minute .. two girls, A and B
A is emotionally expressive and happens to enjoy things you (may) find boring or stressful (chatting on FB, parties, socializing) .. she doesn’t seem to have much in common with you but she somehow complements you and can lift your spirits up .. B is more of a withdrawn girl, she’s a nihilist and you can speak for hours
if you were to date one at some point, which one would you pick ? would you go for the girl that challenges your POVs or the one whose personality allows you to not have to reshape them ?