My social isolation has increased since I entered my thirties two years ago. I have been single for some time. My friends have all settled into marriage and are now beginning the project of making babies. As they develop, I’m left behind. The more I stagnate, the more they pity me. The more they pity me, the less inclined they are to spend what little spare time they have with me. Exchanges become awkward. The result is that I’m not stagnating, I’m regressing. My alienation from others is cresting into hatred. I was raised and still live in NYC, where extreme privilege is now always […]
Tag:
Ugliness
I wish this life would through me a little hope im really drowning and don’t see a way out but this. I dont see a point of living anymore. I met the women i saw in dreams for many years I was suppose to marry and it was awful but great to cause I loved her so much and she did me to but then bad things after bad things kept happening and she dumped me after 2 and half years together. We had planned on getting married but couldn’t cause im on disability for brain and mental problems i have and if we got […]
What is life? What is death?
Such words countlessly repeated.
What is after? What was before?
A bird in a cage has no use for such answers.
Brocken wings, muted songs,
For life will exhaust them before long.
What is this wonderful world you speak of?
I look, I search,
I desperatly yearn for a revelation.
But I see grey, I see ugliness,
I see the bars in hoplessness.
When all smiles could faked and all cheers could be fabricated,
Even love will be twisted.
What is remaining? What should I be searching?
Only the self satifaction of daydreaming.
Let me sleep, let me dream, let me wander away from my cage.
I don’t want this heart anymore
Who is there to trust when everyone says lies? who is there to stop me when I choose to die? who is there to help me when I can’t see any reason to stay who is there to pick me up whenever I fall down?
Who.
your such a fat fuck, your just a vacuum, you’ll suck up all of us if you don’t get food.
so I listened and I stopped eating.
Your so ugly, no one cares about fuck shits, nobody wants to see them, they kill people with their ugliness
I listened, and now I’m not only anorexic but am also In the hospital for at […]
Why can’t I work up the goddamn courage? I want so badly to pick up my razor blades and cut away the pain, but all I can produce is a wimpy ass tiny nick because I’m too damn afraid.
I want so badly to take that bottle of pills and swallow them all, but whenever I’m alone I’m either too scared, or I’m crying too hard to unscrew the goddamn lid. I want to vent, but nobody wants to listen any more. It’s one thing to type it to complete strangers, it’s another entirely to tell the story of a thousand tears to my friend. Apparantly […]
Where to start . Im sad . Unless your lucky , in my terms lucky being having the perfect life set up for you via wonderful (wealthy) parents or extreme good choices , then life is literally depressing . When someone asks why do you want to die ? my response would be , why not ? It sucks to have no one to talk to who understands . It sucks to be so alone all the time . I dont know what happened . There was a point in my life when i was so happy . So unbeleivably happy . That’s gone now […]
I’ve never let anyone in close enough to see the ugliness inside. Last summer, my dad came the closest after some emotional emails I’d sent him. He drove the 6 hours to my city and spent the week taking me out to dinner and talking, trying to figure out what was wrong. But I burned him like I’ve done everyone else.
I burned my grandmother when I told her to stop talking to me. I burned my co-workers when I took up the vow of silence at the office. I burned my father by never replying to any of his follow up emails after we had […]
Right now I’m only living because I am alive.To not waste what I consider a magnificent oportunity to discover,feel and enjoy everything that moves your heart.Yet no matter how hard I look,no matter how hard I search,I can’t find the rope to guide me trough the maze.I feel so alone…Everyone around me seem so far away,like I was in a different dimension overlaping his one but I couldn’t be touched.I can’t find what moved my heart anymore.Everyday seem wasted.I think: “If I was going to do nothing again,I should have stayed in bed”…Worthless chatter “It’s finaly geting hot outside!”…”I love the cold…”.Everybody looks at me […]
Suicide and Reclamation
It’s so cold and dark in this place
I’d cut myself open to show you
Our blood is the same
Water stings as it kisses cuts like my mothers lips
Something about submerging myself seemed to be like a baptism.
I remember when my pastor dipped me in the water.
I want to be clean again.
I want to tell you I’m sorry…for what I can’t remember.
All I know is that I was wrong.
Alcohol burned so much I thought it killed what made me sick even those dirty sinful memories.
I want to be pure again.
I want to hold someone […]
Okay, so it’s been this bad for a year now. Everytime I look on the mirror I feel sick with frustration of why I have to look the way I do. Everytime someone would call me ugly or fat I would just laugh. Wishing that they would like me so they won’t have to hurt me ever again.
I’ve had my boyfriend for one year now. He is the est thing which could of ever happened to me. He’s so beautiful and smart. But I’ve even so hurt in the past I feel so jealose. Not like normal jealosey, because everytime he looks in the […]
When I think about life and the meaning of it, I realise that there actually isn’t any meaning to it at all. Basically, the less than 100 years given to us on the planet are nothing compared to the infinity of death waiting for us.
Life is fleeting and death is eternal. What’s even the point?
For every second of our lives, there’s an infinity of death out there, biding its time.
I understand the whole ‘you make your own meaning’ thing about life, and that it’s ‘what you make it’, but that doesn’t give it any more relevance in my opinion.
Right now I’m actually happy, which makes […]
I sit here hating myself for being myself. I try everyday to live to be happy, but nothing ever works. The realization of the fact that the one person you love so much will never love you back torments me and leaves me unable to move. I pray for the torment to end.
He says I don’t try enough and he gets mad at me. But I know not what to do. I do what anyone deeply in love does when they are hurt by the one they love…I cry. I cry a river that turns into an ocean. My bloody tears mean nothing anymore because […]