don`t wanna kill her softly with my song….

I know everyone has different reasons for arriving at this site, though we all share the same goal. My reasons are mental health related at their core, I guess, and the fallout from the symtoms…
Major Depressive Disorder, a chronic case of ADHD that I discovered myself 10 years ago in my mid 20’s, and anxiety which amplifies my reactions to people who are I guess just naturally reacting to my conditions… a vicious, never ending cycle that brings me here. Sadness, loneliness, pain & the anger that comes with being misunderstood & having no one to talk to.
Suicide is something I began flirting with in my early 20’s, when it began to be apparent that failure in life was something that would be accompanying me for the duration.
The thought of the effect this, while bringing me blessed relief,would have on my mother held me in check, the visual & audio images of her reaction upon finding out.
That, and youthful optimism kept me going, managed to shove back the Reaper a few steps, burn a hole in a clouds for a while, but that’s faded now.
I actually crossed an major threshold last year and for the first time mentioned what was on my mind. Not because I wanted to scare her, I really just wanted to prepare her in case I went through with it, so it wouldn’t be such a shock. I regret that now, because at least I could make it look like an accident so, while being a shock, at least she wouldn’t have to deal with knowing I took my own life.
So I guess what I’m agonising over now is how to relieve her of the burden of guilt. Here’s why.
My father, who’s not in my life & hasn’t been for over 10 years, told me my mother drank sometimes while pregnant with me. She doesn’t know I know this, and I don’t want her to know. In fact, I don’t even know if it’s true. But when I told her 10 years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, first thing she said was ” tell the doctor they gave me alcohol to induce at the hospital “.
I researched this, and indeed in the 70’s apparently they did administer alcohol to pregnant women in certain circumstances, and then abruptly ceased when they realized it wasn’t a good idea after all.
Even if she did I love her so much I forgive her. She tried to support me so much in my many failed attempts at being successful in life, and I still never managed to achieve anything.Always fussed over me, and was always there to help me back up when I fell down, which has been quite a few times. You could count on 2 hands, let’s say.
Everyone in my family has been successful except me. I’m sick of being the only failure in the family. I can’t even find work now, partly because of the seasonal Florida city I live in, partly because the economy and largely, I think, because nobody wants to hire a depressed person. I try to fake it in interviews, but its difficult, impossible even, and working in the service industry as I do, even if you outperform many of your colleagues ( which I do ) the most important quality is you need to be fake happy all the time. Who wants to be served by a depressed bartender? The only place I can be in that setting is at a machine firing orders out at me, but those jobs are hard to come by believe it or not.
So its clear the time has come to face reality and get out before things get more unbearble than they already are.
I’m just trying to find a way to relieve my Mom from the guilt she might have on top of the normal grief a parent feels when they outlive their child. For all I know, my Dad was lying about her drinking and the alcohol given at the hospital may not have had any effect whatsoever. My grandma had schizophrenia, so, while I’m not looking for excuses, someone clearly hasn’t been right from the start, and at this point I don’t even care what the reasons are anymore, I just want to leave with minimal impact. Last thing, in case anyone is wondering, I’m not an alcoholic, hardly drink at all.
Thanks for listening…