uhm, I’m new to this sort of thing, so, Hello, I have been reading some entry’s today. What sparked my interest in finding this site is that my mother and father are giving me a hard time, my Grandfather died yesterday of a stroke and things before where quite good. Now all of a sudden my friends are leaving me alone, my mother is out to make my bedroom a prison for me and I have so much anger and hatered that I have been keeping in check for a long time.
Im 16 years old, the guy I liked has abandon me, my Grandfather is gone, all humanity left in my mother seems to have dissapeared completely, my fathers an asshole to me and my friends? pssht, WHAT friends? I feel SO alone sometimes that i turn on my loudest metal and pick up my sharpest blade and just draw deep, long lines on my legs…At first I feel nothing cutting myself but after Ive watched the blood roll down my leg, I find myself calm and then the pain is too much for me and I can’t cut anymore.
I HAVE tried to go through with suicide twice…both times failed. My mother and Father know nothing of it…only one of my friends knows and he is an amazing person to have as a friend…
I am fulled with scars and my legs are not the sexiest things on earth…some scars are so deep that they are too visible to risk even walking around in a towel or in pants that can lift up if I sit down…
I have been trying to stop the cutting, last time I cut was a month ago, I still feel the urge to pick up a blade and watch my blood run away…
5 comments
Hey Rose,
Sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like you really cared for your grandfather. Words really can not fix that pain. That is one that simply takes time and tears and some suffering is required. Nobody likes to say goodbye. So – I am sorry for your loss. I hope God grants you peace and healing as soon as you can accept it.
As for your bf. Don’t know what to say to that one. Your still very young. You will have many boyfriends. I know you probably dont wanna hear the “old persons” advice on this one – and I do not mean to sound like a dinosaur lecturing you on it…… but your a 16 yo girl. LOOK at your grandpa – you still have a TON of life left to live. I hope you will give yourself a chance.
Grandpa lived through a lot of crap. He also had some great joys too. YOU were one of those joys. Okay, so this bf did not work out. Does not mean the next one wont. Maybe it will take 20 more before you find the right guy. But the good news is you are one closer to finding the right guy. And you will.
You seem like a nice girl. I am sorry but I do not have any real knowledge about cutting. I kinda get it. Hell, I tried it myself but I found it a bit painful and I can NOT let people see the wounds or they WOULD lock me up in a nut house (cuz of my past attempts).
I wish nothing but the BEST for you.
Hang in there
Hey Rose,
Sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like you really cared for your grandfather. Words really can not fix that pain. That is one that simply takes time and tears and some suffering is required. Nobody likes to say goodbye. So – I am sorry for your loss. I hope God grants you peace and healing as soon as you can accept it.
As for your bf. Don’t know what to say to that one. Your still very young. You will have many boyfriends. I know you probably dont wanna hear the “old persons” advice on this one – and I do not mean to sound like a dinosaur lecturing you on it…… but your a 16 yo girl. LOOK at your grandpa – you still have a TON of life left to live. I hope you will give yourself a chance.
Grandpa lived through a lot of crap. He also had some great joys too. YOU were one of those joys. Okay, so this bf did not work out. Does not mean the next one wont. Maybe it will take 20 more before you find the right guy. But the good news is you are one closer to finding the right guy. And you will.
You seem like a nice girl. I am sorry but I do not have any real knowledge about cutting. I kinda get it. Hell, I tried it myself but I found it a bit painful and I can NOT let people see the wounds or they WOULD lock me up in a nut house (cuz of my past attempts).
I wish nothing but the BEST for you.
Hang in there
Don’t be overruled by your emotions. You have be patient. It’s difficult when your young and want to do what you want and feel confined. In less than two years you can do anything but by then you won’t want to. My grandad had a stroke too but he didn’t go on his feet which is far worse. Most of us experience it at some point, I was your age once.
Patience is one thing, dealing with depression is a whole other matter. It’s not just something to deal with, or live with. Many times aside from genetics, it is hormonal too. I suffered for the last 20 years with depression and anxiety. No one would believe me that is was affected by hormones – especially PMS. It wasn’t until a nurse listened to me and put me on birth control. It was like someone turned on the lights for the first time in years. I had never felt so alive for the first time in my life. When the pill stopped working, I had a hysterectomy – something that I begged for sine my daughter was born. But all I was told back then was: “You might want more children” I couldn’t afford the 2 I had, WTH would I want more???? I have also been diagnosed with diabetes. Which also affects my mood. There is NOTHING that can be done other than a strict diet and exercise. I was on Metformin for a year and couldn’t figure out why I had debilitating stomach cramps. The gastroenterologist did every possible test and found nothing. My daughter is the one that told me about the cramps being a side effect of the metformin. When I told my doctor this, he agreed! WTF?? That would have been nice to know before I started taking this shit. So , no, the doctors don’t know anything and if they won’t listen, find one who will.
The cutting you are doing does, in fact make people feel better. It is a symbol of the pain you feel. How else can you show people how much you hurt? I know I had my kids and I was still cutting. But there is another reason why cutting makes you feel better. You get an endorphin rush when you cut – kind of like eating chocolate, having sex, or getting high.
I am not going to tell you to stop cutting. But there will come a time when you won’t need to cut anymore. I can’t say when, only you will know that.
But I will tell you this: your mom is suffering too. The only way she knows how to cope is to lash out – and obviously you are her target for today. I’m guessing that your grandfather was her father? Your mom was your age once too, I know that is hard to believe, but if she is lashing out, then I’m guessing that her relationship with her dad, was not the best. I am sure she feels something about his death: anger, hopelessness, sad,frustration – maybe they had unfinished business; maybe there were things she wanted to say to him, but never could, and now it is too late.
But the one thing I have learned over time, is if you have something to say, say it. Don’t wait. Don’t mince words – say what you have to say. Even if you just write a letter and throw it away – get it out. That anger and frustration builds up and eventually you will explode. Cutting won’t be enough. I know you want people to feel what you feel, to hurt the way you do – but they can’t. No one can feel your feelings EXCEPT you. Sure you may feel shame at some of your feelings, but they are your feelings – they are no better or no worse than anyone else’s – even your mom’s.
As for your boyfriend, the best I can tell you is : he’s a guy. Most guys, don’t know how to deal with their own feelings, much less someone else’s. You will meet more and different people as you get older -none of them will be any better or any worse than those you have already met. Friends’ will turn their back on you and guys will walk away. The best thing you can do is put yourself first. Take care of your needs first. DO not sacrifice yourself for someone else’s happiness. In the end, they will cling to you and you won’t have a life at all.
At 16 it truly feels like the end of the world. You have so many responsibilities when your friends can do what they want, and its not fair. The best I can tell you is get through high school as quickly as possible – college is a whole other world. It doesn’t matter who you were in high school. It matters who you are today. And your main priority as a 16 year old is your happiness. I would strongly suggest a counselor to talk to when you feel this way. No, it may not make you feel better, but at least you will get it out. I would also suggest, if possible, keep track of how you feel and when you feel bad. Aside from the loss of your grandfather, is there any other time you feel that way, for no reason at all? If this does happen, keep track of your period. I know you don’t want to talk about getting your period – especially from a stranger – but if the days you feel bad and want to cut are around your period, it could be PMS. Birth control may help alleviate the symptoms. But by all means talk to your mom, or your doctor about it. But talk to someone. No one should have to suffer like that. My daughter went through the same thing at 16. Yes, I did put her on birth control and yes, she is doing much better than I ever did!
So give it a try. And try to hang in there ok?