I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I find myself every day saying this. I repeat this word alot.  I’ve been living with the spectre of suicide since I was 8, I’ve hated life since then.   I saw my grandfather lying in the casket, and everyone was crying, I didn’t understand until I went over and told grandpa to wake up… he didn’t wake up.

Grandpa was just sitting there, not moving.  I didn’t understand why he wasn’t getting up.  I kept hoping he would get up, thinking that he was just asleep, but he was too still.  In my little mind, I knew he was too still.  I learned about death then.

My IQ isn’t something to sneeze at, its 159 plus/minus 10.  so at the very minimum its 149.  I grasp things quickly… grasping that people die, wasn’t something I wanted to do… not at that age.  I knew people died at 8, that they wouldn’t come back.  Death and mortality sunk into my mind and infected me with this crushing despair, that all is pointless.

I lost my faith in the idea of what I term “The Magical God” when I was around 11 or 12.  Due to my mental abilities I was far above my peers, and felt very alone.  As a result of the obvious discrepancies between me and my “peers” in terms of ability, I was bullied alot.  I grew up fighting bullies.  I prayed to God then to relieve me of this burden, but God never did; I ended up relieving the burden myself… So if God doesn’t exist, then what is the point?

I’ve been feeling like we are just hampsters, spinning the hampster wheel of self gratification,  living life trying to ignore the fact that we are going to die.  It makes everything I do turn into ash.  Nothing holds permanence… and this lack of permanence makes everything seem so futile.  Meaningless.  I can’t find the ambition to achieve something knowing full well that what ever I do will not matter, given a long enough timescale.

This perception has achieved a level of complexity that thinking about it causes me to just want my life to end.  I Believe in a higher power, a God if you will, simply because the inverse of the Big Bang cannot be explained… yet not knowing my purpose causes me alot of anguish.  Is life meaningful outside of the selfish motivations that human beings possess?

The only thing that keeps me going is “what if God doesn’t exist”  because if the aforementioned is the case… then this life is all I have. Only fear motivates me to live… making me hate life even more.