I don’t know how much longer I can go

It feel like its only getting harder, I’m getting older and my friends are moving on , having families and moving away, and now it seems it’s time for me to move on too . I am never more happier then around my friends and never more depressed when alone, which i find myself more and more . The other day   I swallow whole bunch of pills with a few beers , only to wake up, i guess being such a big guy i need a larger dosage . That was first time I intended to really kill myself , my biggest fear isn’t me dying but the  pain I’ll leave behind. I’m also afraid now that i have already attempted suicide, it may get easier to go that far again. As i write this i sit alone  at home and if this is what life will be , I not sure how much longer I really would want live this way