I love the sound of you walking away

I don t feel like talking with anybody but yet i came here. Nothing bad recently happened i just don t feel the same. Everything is just so ordinary and unimportant and i can t find anything that satisfies me. I clearly got off the tight track again. without no particular reason. I was out yesterday and i got drunk, pretty pathetic but i do it every now and then to feel better or to forget things but i guess it has the opposite effect now. Anyway i was annoyed with something small which i don t even remember now. i took my things and went home, the problem was i didn’t have a clue where i was i and where i was going to, i found a piece of broken glass on the way and cut some parts of my hands, wrists and legs ( it was more of a habit). i thought of drowning myself because i was walking by the sea. it seemed like a really simple and attractive idea. i was sitting on a rock and called a friend of mine, i guess i wanted someone to know what i was going to do, to say goodbye, cry myself out and maybe a little because i wanted to share how i felt at that moment. it was stupid of me because i just made my friend worry and when i said goodbye she kept calling me and sending me messages threatening to call the police if i don t calm down. i was already entering the water and was amazed with myself, thought this was it when my phone rang again and i wanted to decline the call as i was doing all this time but another name appeared on the screen. It was, i couldn’ t believe it but it was him calling me. i didn t answer but he called again and i stepped out of the water and answered pretending everything is great. he asked me if i was ok, and i said i was fine. and he replied fine and then i turned of the phone. later i remembered that my friend probably called him because she knew i ll answer the phone then. no matter what it was it saved my life. and for a small second i thought he cared, it was a second of joy which helped me to find my way home. and though i was walking more than an hour i reached my bed and fell asleep.
i need some time to calm down and to think what i am going to do next because this things are happening to often. I feel…i don’t know how i feel. i can’t talk to my parents about this because of my previous attempt which was more serious and i promised i ll be fine. but how can i be?! i can t control this and i am much more convinced that it s not just depression it some sort of  ilness that i should be treating with medicines. i don ‘ t know anymore. this becomes a natural feeling that i can’t avoid and sometimes i feel the solution would be if he loved me back. how lame i know. it feels great when he is not there but when i see him everything falls apart. and secretly i blame him for my state but i know it s much more complicated. i don’t know what i want and where i want to be. i don’t know who i am and what am i doing right now and i just keep finding terrible excuses for my state of being, whatever that is.  sometimes i think i don’t know how to be happy or what happiness really is. i came here to vent a little bit, to clear my thoughts and ask if i should search for medical help?