Unfortunately.
I spent the entire summer not getting a job like I told everyone I would. I can’t get a job because of my anxieties. School is starting back, and I haven’t registered. I just found out I have a hold on my school account that prevents me from registering (due to having a ridiculously low GPA), anyway. Just walked out of my adviser’s office and he didn’t even bother to tell me I had the hold on my account, so I must make another appointment with him. Driving out there just makes me want to smash my car into something.
Lately my suicidal thoughts have been creeping back. I have never actually attempted but I’ve come close many many times. Right now I’m completely ready to go. For a really long time I’ve just wanted someone to talk to but no one wants to listen; they always have to put their two-cents in. I don’t want it. I just want a listener who understands that sometimes I can be the way I am. It’s hard to explain, but more and more sometimes I find myself not even wanting that. I guess all I really want is to really disappear. I’m just exhausted from trying to hold on and find a reason to keep going.
3 comments
Oh I feel the same way, people always want to give advice although I never ask for it. Which is really annoying. I think after trying to find someone that understands and just listens (I haven’t found many), eventually we come to the point that we’d rather just not talk and keep it to ourselves. I really could have written the second half of that…
Thanks for the response. Yeah, that’s a better way of saying what I was trying to say. I find myself at that point (of not even wanting to bother after trying so long) for the majority of my time.
Yeah, I get that too. The worst thing is the hope that comes with it when you are talking to someone new. Maybe this will finally be someone that I can trust and who will just listen to me rant and do..I don’t know what I want them to even do.
Whatever it is I want, nobody manages to live up to what I hope for, which just crushes me that little bit more.