So I’m 33, got a misdemeanor battery conviction in 01, started working in medicine in 08, and places won’t hire me due to the record. I let someone take me away from my homeostasis in 06 and it’s just been down hill since then. I used to be afraid to commit suicide due to the Bible’s rules, but I think God would understand.
No one speaks my language for a 20 mile radius, my work abuses me because of the battery conviction, and I overall am just tired of it all. What’s left now? I live in solitary confinement 4 days a week. I have developed a lower extremity issue that is making ANYTHING hard that requires standing, walking, bending, lifting, etc. I’m losing my mind lately, I lose my place in thoughts and conversations. I cry sometimes for no reason. I don’t want help, I don’t have kids; that’s my brother whom only calls when he wants something. My family does enerything for him and he’s a supreme fuck-up, I have a few things to tie up, photos for family, and shit like that. I need a Kurt Cobain shirt “I hate Myself, and I Want to Die”. Nothing brings me pleasure anymore, i seldom even go anywhere anymore. I do hate my life and PRAY to die!
3 comments
Stop worrying about your family supporting a bro who is a total fuck up. That, believe it or not, is normal. Parents gravitate to the child is needs help. Try to clear your record. If it can’t be done, then play to the sympathic parents, after all they bend to the bad kid. Tell them that you can’t hack it in meds. You need something else. I’m telling you now, I was abused sexually from about 3 years on, you can do it. It’s not everybody else that needs to change, it’s you. You can do it. I wish I had those years to live again that you have. I wouldn’t have sacrificed so many to an abusive brother.
It’s not that easy. He has kids, I do not. I don’t blame anyone, I’m the one who left a perfectly great life in Indy for school in Miami. Now I’m trapped. I interact with humans 3 days a week at work. You know that saying that goes something like, “a man can be judged best by how many people show up at his funeral”? Mine would not be many. I had a way out 3 weeks ago and all I had to do was pass a drug test. Well, I got high before my flight so I could nap all the flight. I knew there’d be a drug test, I was going to use my nephew’s urine. They got me with an oral fluid test and found the marijuana and retracted the offer. That’s like kicking a man when he’s down, defeated, broken, pissed on, and so I’m still trapped in Miami. MY FAULT, I know and that what hurts the worst. The human body really can go on for about 115 seconds which is 100 seconds longer than the heart will go on after a gunshot to it. A head shot is fast and over before I knew it, but I want my mom to be able to see me and that could be a problem. I dream about my old life and I cry when I wake up in 2012. I’ve been miserable for 4 years and just recently got over my worries about heaven and hell. The conviction was self defense, I was 21, all my 40+ year old coworkers told me to take the deal. After 18 months in the courts, I took it under advisement from counsel that there’d be no consequences. Fucking liar. I’m tired of taking hours to fill out online apps at facilities only to fuck you emails back later from them. I am literally ready for the pain to go away. I’d rather not exist than exist this way.
And I’ve been on my own since I was 17 and never needed any help. My dad is a cocksucker. He told me when I was in 1st grade I’d be sucking dick to get something warm in my belly when I grow up. My fuck up brother and his fucked up kids have bankrupted my mom. I don’t want to compound any other problems. I just want it to all end…