I’ve tried and I failed, and I’m exhausted

I’m 27 years old almost 28.

I haven’t spoken to my siblings in 5 years. I talk my parents on occasion, but what kind of 27 year old talks to his parents frequently?

I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never had sex. Heck, I’ve never even come close to having sex. Even if God dropped a girlfriend in my lap, what the heck would I do with her for 23 hours a day? I don’t have the mental skills to survive in a relationship. I don’t love anyone.

I don’t even love myself. I spend hours a day hating what I am, and what I’ve become.

I have horrid acne and acne scarring for about 15 years now. Really bad. Take the worst you’ve seen and multiply by 3. I’m very, very ugly. Doctors and medication haven’t helped, I’ve tried. Prayer hasn’t helped, I’ve tried. I don’t wash my hands after using a public restroom because there’s a mirror there, and seeing my face sends me into  funk for 6+ hours. I can only imagine what other people say.

I have no friends. I suppose I had a few before. Most of them have moved on with their lives. I have no clue how to make new ones. The ones I used to have, I acquired by chance (roommates, family when I used to live at home, etc). But life stops directing you after 22 or so, after which you’re supposed to figure out how to do these things on your own. Chance doesn’t come around at 27. I can’t. I don’t know how.

I go to work. I come home. Every other day I go to the gym. I come home. I drink until I fall asleep. What else can I do with my life? Drinking alone is something at least I know how to do.

I feel ashamed even writing this. I didn’t have a disadvantaged childhood. I didn’t grow up on the streets. I wasn’t abused or neglected. My parents love me and still do, although they’re probably the only ones. If I shot myself tonight, they would cry. But nobody else would.  Why would they? I’m acting like an emo teenager and I’m close to 30, although I don’t plan to reach that age.

I’ve been ashamed of how I look for 15 years. I’ve spent most of that time playing various videogames. I’m bored and tired of that. I watched hundreds of movies. I’m bored and tired of that. I read random shit on the internet. I’m bored and tired of that, too.

I want to be different. I want to wake up tomorrow and be normal, and not this pathetic wretched waste of a man. But I don’t know how.

And even if I did, I’ve lost so much time. I’m supposed to be married by now according to the stats. I occasionally check up on some random people I used to know on facebook who are around my age. And I see them being happy. I see them with friends, some with spouses, some with children. I see a decade of memories. I search my own memories for the same, and I find nothing. I tried.

Candles eventually burn out. And slowly, I am.