I made this account a couple of weeks ago when I was searching for an exit from this life. I realized something this time around which was that I wanted to die but I wasn’t as suicidal as I once was, almost as if I gave into this life and its reality that I clearly was always against. I found it strange how we are willing to help another on this website or elsewhere and yet can’t help ourselves. I feel we were all deprived of something from our childhood that we needed and that lack of attention, love, or simply not being told that we’re good enough allowed some kind of fatal flaw to grow within us and become a mental illness in some way. Have you ever seen someone worse off than yourself and asked how could they not want to die, or asked yourself how could you be so weak?
Every time I read someone’s story on here my attention and care went to that person and I have seen others do this as well. What good is the medication we’re giving each other when we can’t take it ourselves? Are we trying to help others because we failed ourselves, or are we trying to fill ourselves with a sense of importance? Any last words said before one dies are seeking to be understood before they died. Anyone who doesn’t truly want to die is looking for companionship of some kind, because the loneliness is the true killer (for that type of person). Being separated from others, by race, religion, sex, beliefs, taste, fetish, and whatever else I can’t think of is what kills us when we begin to feel outcast in some way from others.
Are the people who go on living for false reasons living in an illusion or are they really succeeding where we have not? Perhaps this world have failed us all, or we failed ourselves by letting the world feed us illusions of a better life with beliefs in an afterlife, or stories that feed our imagination in books and movies with things we could never have, but dream about obtaining anyway.
If we don’t find our happiness in this life…may we find it in what comes next if there is a next, and if there is no next then there’s nothing to cry about.
9 comments
I created an account here about 3 months ago, and I wrote a post that I did not publish. It was helpful just to scoop my thoughts out of my head and put them somewhere safe, away from the prying eyes of those I know in the real world.
Fast forward 3 months and, after some intermittent lurking, I decided to start posting. Whilst I am close than ever to checking out, I have found that sharing my thoughts has helped ease my pain. What I have also found is that by sharing in others’ pain, it makes my pain seem less in comparison.
Humans are social creatures. When we feel isolated, we feel lonesome. Some of us take this in our stride; in fact, there’s a rare few that seem to revel in their own company. However, there are some of us that equate isolation with being unlovable, which in turn makes us fearful of ourselves and our environment. I think the vast majority of people here have at least one thing in common with at least one other person on this site, and connecting with just one other person is better than connecting with nobody at all.
As for finding happiness … I think a lot of it boils down to how one’s mind works. With all due respect to those that do feel happy, I think that the less complex one’s mind is, the more likely they are to find their own flavour of happiness. Some of the most intelligent people I know are also the least happy; I think this is because they can see things that most others can’t, and they are not happy with what they say. Sure, there are some exceptionally bright people that can see outside the square and seize opportunities that are not visible to the rest of us, but these people are a rare breed. To those people that are both exceptionally intelligent and genuinely happy, I wish nothing but the best for them.
As for those of us that can see stuff we don’t want to see, we have a choice. Do we take it on? Do we medicate ourselves down to the same level as the masses? Or do we decide to declare “game over” and unplug ourselves from this existence?
It always blows me away at how insightful and genuine the people on this site are, I could not agree more with you sansesperer and SilentBlue, your comments and posts have always touched me. It’s unfortunate to know that we see the general idea of why we are so upset, yet that feeling does not go away. The words that you type will save lives, please do not keep your opinions to yourselves.
Not really, that’s how most newbies feel to begin with. I don’t know why im still here. I don’t feel compelled to be friendly to anyone or offer advice like before. I honestly don’t think I care. I suppose its just a case of having something to say and saying it. The world isn’t always to blame for our problems. Life can be challenging and the extent of this depends on the luck of the draw. A genuine grade 1 performer can still win from an outside gate and after suffering interference. Sometimes a person has to accept they can’t get competitive and they need to go and work on a few things. If a person feels like crap, there’s no use complaining about it all the time. It downy solve anything. It’s surprising how even the most depressed people can latch on to a glimmer of light.
@Admiral: Perhaps it’s the fact that you feel no obligation in being friendly that draws people to you in the first place? I don’t want to be helped, however I feel that being here has actually helped me just a little bit despite the fact that those doing the helping are doing nothing more than just putting their thoughts out there.
I don’t think people a drawn to me. I’m mostly ignored with the occasional derogatory comment or insinuation. I think that to have interest in something you have to find it compelling. There was a guy on here called tastelikecherries. Now, he was hardly a preacher or do-gooder like all the others but if he said something I would listen because he was charismatic. Whereas I don’t really listen to many people on here. I hope he’s ok.
I concur with your thoughts in relation to being drawn to more compelling posts. This might sound somewhat insensitive to some, but I find some posts on here just don’t interest me as much as others. For instance, the posts from younger members tend to wash over me. I was once an angsty teen. It’s just that whilst I want to go into those threads and tell these kids that whilst they might believe they have little to live for right now, they have one of the greatest assets us old timers could possibly dream of: time. But, well … the last thing kids needs are well meaning grown-ups trying to help them. Those posts should hold just as much gravitas as those by older men and women that have suddenly woken up and realised that they’ve pissed their lives away for zero reward.
I’ll have to look up some of tastelikecherries’ posts and have a read.
I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m an old timer. A little unorthodox maybe. The people on here should realise that the emphasis should be on their individuality and freedom to express themselves, not their environment. No one can take it away.
To Sansespérer: I thank you for your comment. I haven’t touch this site since i made account then today I was hooked reading and drained myself, at the same time taking in other peoples concerns distract me from my own world. The more we know the more we are open to be disappointed. As for last thing you said “we take it on until we give up” even dying is better than living a lie, or unsatisfying life.
To Gimixi: Glad you found me was hoping so, and don’t know what help I could be to others but hope I could be something of worth.
To Admiral of the fleet: I’m a newbie here but as I feel 3 times my real age. I don’t think I would be wrong in saying that this environment we live in is at least half to blame for us being the way we are, maybe other part could be genes. We create this world and we create the environment we live in. And maybe I’ll finish my thoughts on a future post or something because I’m out of it, and half brain dead.
– thank you all for your comments
Silentblue – totally agreed with your post! When each person here wants to die, it’s kind of funny that we reach out to prevent other people from doing the same. I’m wondering if it’s because we know the despair and wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Also a lot of suicidal people, I think they’re pretty nice. Kind. Otherwise they’d just beat the shit outtta everybody else. 🙂