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One year today.

by shewithnoname

So today is the 30.07.12, and today I have given myself one year too think it over, to plan it and too decide if  it’s truly what I want.
My boyfriend, he left me today. He has no answer, he won’t even talk too me. Fact is I was very reliant on him.
I just can’t cope, and I can’t live like this. So one year today I will decided whether to kill myself or not.

As a child, I was sexually abused  by three girls, and one guy. I was physically and mentally abused by my sister. I was tormented and at age 11 I started too self harm, I have cuts all over my body. Even on my face. It was the only way I could cope with it, I started too turn numb, and have turned numb too life. I have post traumatic stress disorder, I have depression, I have schizophrenia. Though I am medicated. I started doing drugs to escape reality. It back fired making me worse, but I still do them because they work for the moment. I’m no longer scared too die, however I need to know it’s what I want. I could go on about my past, but for now I wont.

I’m just so alone. I have acquaintances but that is all. I have nobody. This isn’t a new thing though, I’ve always been that way.
I have tried and failed at killing myself before, for one reason and one reason alone. I did not think it through. This time I am, and I will succeed.

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4 comments

Duke of Marmalade 7/30/2012 - 1:21 pm

You will be ok. Just have to believe in yourself and remain focused on the things you want to achieve no matter how far away they seem.

I_dont_matter 7/30/2012 - 1:26 pm

Duke is right.

I am glad that you gave yourself a longer timeframe…. Allowing yourself to process things in your mind.

Can I ask you……. do you have ANY long term goals?? Career/job. A trip. A purchase. Something personal?

Goals definately help. I think the human spirit NEEDS to look forward to a specific thing. If you dont have any specific goals. Maybe you could start to think of one or two.

louise50 7/30/2012 - 4:04 pm

I’m with Duke and I don’t matter, shewithnoname. A lot can happen in a year. Goal setting, starting small at first and progressing to bigger things, is a good way to go…Zx

Duke of Marmalade 7/30/2012 - 4:06 pm

The second time that’s happened today. I can’t believe it. I think I’m going to celebrate by eating a bowl of ice cream.

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