Being happy and staying happy is really hard. I got a job today that I’ve wanted for months, so I was happy. So happy I screamed LOUD! And then like five hours later, I got into a shouting match with my stepmom – again. And then I screamed again – also loud.
I just get so stressed living here that I keep getting these thoughts – that I could just…. you know. A lot of people see me as “the happy person,” but that’s because I’ve been very good and hiding my dark thoughts from them. There is no such thing as a “happy person” in my opinion. We’re all sad – some are sadder and some suck at hiding it. I get super happy and then I get really angry when I have to see this woman everyday. She really hates me. Like, I’m not using the word lightly – she wouldn’t shed a tear if I died, and I’m so sure now, that I no longer feel the need to prove it.
Anyway, so I’m trying to figure out why I started having these ‘end it’ thoughts recently. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to live, it’s really that I don’t want to live this unhappily. And no matter how I think of it, I just keep seeing her and her hateful eyes watching me. This is the Rock – stay here, miserable, sinking to new lows of depression, and hoping that all the money I’m saving by living with my dad and stepmom will make up for it one day. The Hard Place is that I may not make it to this ‘one day’ if this kind of stress continues, or I’ll be a very numbed out person when I do, and and and I’ll probably go broke trying to pay my own rent in this city. Could I be happy and homeless/broke?
3 comments
Happy and homeless/broke is do-able. It just takes a particular set of skills, and the knowledge that you don’t know squat about the world, even if you thought you did.
In an urban environment, dunno. Never tried that.
Don’t want to try that. It scares the bejeezus out of me.
But stay optimistic and take each turn as you get to them – you don’t know what the future holds, and can’t change mistakes you’ve made, but you can learn and project forward one step at a time. You’ll get there. Don’t give up. 🙂
the thing with being between a rock and a hard place is, eventually the rock crumbled.
Or you discover a cleverly hidden hammer in your pocket and bash the shit out of the rock.
Then you’re free.
Think ahead, keep working towards your goal.
Just breathe.
Tell your Dad about what’s going on between you and his superbitch wife. If he’s to much of a ***** to stand up to her then you may just have to tough it out until you’re old enough to move out. Or if you have other extended family close by you might talk them about moving in.
I’ll tell you right now, if you were my daughter no women would ever come between us. I’d tell that ***** to hit the road if she ever caused you even one iota of distress.