To be, or not to be?

I want to rid myself of all my pain. Just thinking about tomorrow honestly makes me sick to my stomach. It’s the most disgusting  thing I’ve ever felt in my life, and sometimes I can’t help but think about it at night and cry, because I keep feeling it over and over again. I lie there staring into nothing, my mind wondering off into tomorrow, and I feel sick.

I don’t have my friends anymore, and as cold as it sounds, they were nothing more than distractions, anyway. People that kept my mind occupied with something other than my own misery.  Yet, I still yearn for that false reality, that acknowledgement, but it’s too late. They aren’t with me anymore, and my family never existed. Everything is in shambles. I feel so alone.

So, why am I still here?

I met a friend online, a real friend; someone who literally knows me more than my friends and family ever will, and all in just mere months. Up until a few months ago, I honestly had nothing tying me to this wretched life, but now I’m just confused. This friend helps me with my problems, listens to me, laughs with me, and makes me live in the moment, forgetting about my pain. We talk throughout the whole day, nearly every day, from morning, until we say good night. For the first time, I can almost say that I’m content?

 
I wouldn’t say I’m happy, because even with my friend, I still feel horrible at times, even while we’re talking. I’ve talked to my friend about my problems before, but it has always been relatively filtered. Recently, though, I really let my friend know how I really feel about life. I told my friend how I wanted to kill myself, how there was no point to my life, that I didn’t have any dreams or goals. How I would be pursuing tomorrow for the rest of my life, because I honestly didn’t care if I lived or died.

We had an argument, about how there’s more to life, and how I haven’t even begun to comprehend it, how it would get better. My friend’s concerned about my well being, so I upset him a bit about my outlook, but understands why I feel like that. I told my friend I feel better now, but can through my act. I feel really disgusted, and cry myself to sleep every night, deliberating among myself whether or not I should kill myself. It hurts me so much, and I don’t want to feel this pain anymore, because I’ve begun to literally feel sick.

I want to just end it now, but at the same time, I don’t to leave my friend, because that’s all I have now.  I don’t know if it’s really worth it, or if the pain is just too much to bear. I don’t want to live like this anymore, I really, really don’t, but it’s difficult to leave. I don’t know if I should tell my friend how I feel, because I don’t know if I can convey just how horrible I feel inside, how empty and disgusted I feel. I just don’t want to cause any more unnecessary worry, because my friend’s already concerned. I’m thinking of telling my friend we can’t be friends anymore, to cut my ties and make it easier on my friend when I disappear.