I just really can’t be fucked with any of it. Like, everyone has reasons. Think about it, why do you go to work? to school? Because you have a reason to. All my life, i’ve believed there had to be a reason for depression. But I have no idea what is bringing this on. Sure, I have a few friends, I can laugh, I can play, whatever. I’m a decent worker. But still, everyday the thought gets stronger and stronger, why am I doing this? Â I mean really. I wake up, I get dressed, I have breakfast. But only because it has become something of a routine thing to do. Thoughtless. I get to school, do mediocurly in my classes, walk back home, eat, go strait to my room and repeat. There really is no significance to any of it. And I lack the motivation to give my life meaning, to try and make something of myself. Every one of my friends, every one I know has a reason they do what they do. They have a reason to try hard at school, to be happy. But lately I feel myself slipping away. Because i’ve been without reason for so long. And I just can’t.. I seriously can’t be fucked trying. I use to at least look forward to getting home after school, to getting away from it all. But now there’s not even any motivation in that. I find myself just sitting in my room, blandly looking through post after post on various image boards. And I feel like no change is coming. Even as I write this, I know it won’t make a difference. I have no reason. I don’t want anything anymore. I just, desperately, desperately want to die. I sit down and count down the hours till I can sleep again (irregular-specific sleeping pattern, I can only seem to sleep at certain times), and just seriously wait. Why do I want to sleep? Because that marks another day gone. Another day closer. I don’t know what I want to get closer to, but if its in the future, it comes closer with every passing day. My life seems to be a long long highway, with one or two interesting happenings along the way. My life could be compressed into a 20 minute short film. I just can’t be fucked living an 80 year life to have my 5 minutes of happiness that I have left, because it’s been a long long time since i’ve felt anything.. legit. Whenever I cut, I get a slight thrill, and i think that its just there, just a little deeper and i’ll be there, feeling something, adrenaline, sadness, desperation fucking anything, but as soon as i bring the blade down again, it just leaves. Hanging me there in limbo. It sucks, immense, immense dick.
1 comment
wow man. judging by your post i can see your a serious thinker just like me..
I’m 21 and I’m having these same exact thoughts like you do. I’m in depression for like 7 years.Went to a psychiatrist last month and ever since I’m SUICIDAL. Just to let you know that your not the only one.