I sit here wishing that I was someone else. Perhaps a quiet person who didn’t have these tendencies – ruthless, narcisistic, destructive, tenacious thoughts and feelings that make up a large part of my being.. Maybe I would be “better” if I was just able to be myself. The more time that passes always seems to push reality into the forefront, and unfortunately I’m pretty sure that it’s all gray matter. Why do I need to take things so far? Why can’t I control myself? Why Why Why do I have to be this person plauged with an overwhelming sense of manotany and a brain that tells me to do something about it. I am a horrible friend, a horrible girlfriend, a horrible person in general. I have so many people around me that love me so much… I feel love for them too, and I don’t know what I would do without them, but I just don’t know how to change. Sometimes I feel like I really would be better off dead, and so would those that I continue to hurt.
4 comments
You think too much..
There is still hope. You have acknowledged your flaws that need to be changed. It takes great discipline to really change. If you are willing it would be possible. Just think about the outcome before your actions.
Dead people do not think at all 🙂
DogBoy’s right. Overthinking these things will just feed a downward spiral.
What might be useful is something that can break this process by giving you something else to focus your thoughts on. Have you asked those around you how they feel about you? Perhaps you’re not the awful person you think you are; maybe it’s the way you see yourself rather than the way you are that is the issue.
All the best.