do things get better

i understand how you feel but as young as you are you need to talk to someone, I have felt the same way for as long as i can remember, now 50 im still suffering in silence everyone thinks im strong and inside im screaming for help, i dont have the courage to ask for help and ive also passed this on to my children, my daughter has recently told me that its my fault because she has severe depression as i gave her to my mum when she was 2, i also had another 2 children to the same father whom abused me physically, as a result of never feeling loved my children suffered, i went through life with one bad time after another i still wonder what i did to deserve this, ive lost a baby in a cot death, remarried and had another bad marriage also children to this husband, these children had the better side of me but still inside was screaming for help, now all my children have grown up and have there own lifes, im on my own and cant find someone to have a life with because i always wreck it someway, still at 50 im looking for that peace and think not being here would solve it, in the other hand my kids would never forgive me or understand as ive always been the strong one in there eyes , what makes it worse is my daughter has just told me recently its all my fault for her having severe depression and dosent want to know me now after years of helping her, i cant win im back in that dark place again and i blame no one but myselfthis is so hard as this is the first time ive ever said anything about it, i am sitting here now and can hardly see the keyboard for the tears and wish i wasnt here but to much a coward to do something about it, so my advise to you talk to someone get that help dont end up like me i will take this to my grave with me and it hurts so much, as it is at the moment i just want to disapear, no one would miss me .