This probably won’t flow at all. Or make sense, that’s for sure. But I’m writing it anyways.
Before the summer started, I was still able to hide my feelings. Everyone thought I was happy considering I smiled and laughed constantly. But they were wrong. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy. The summer only made things worse. I stayed home all day, listened to music, and let my thoughts take over. Everything eventually became a blur. I used to cry myself to sleep every night but now I just lay there with a blank expression. I never thought I’d get used to the pain. But I did. I’m so scared for school now. It starts in less then 2 weeks. All my friends remember me as a bubbly social butterfly but now that everything’s changed, I just know they’re all going to leave. And when they leave, my self esteem will be even lower. I’ll starve again. Cut deeper. And my whole family expects the world from me. My aunt was like a straight A 4.0 student so my family almost forces me to be just as good. The pressure is just too much. They can’t accept that I’m not my aunt. I’m Haley. I try my best but to them it still isn’t good enough. The stress, the pressure, the fact that i’ll never be good enough, it all builds up until I can’t take it anymore. I’ve thought about suicide for years and attempted many times, but I’m still  here somehow. The smallest things set me on edge. And for the many years I’ve been feeling this way, no one’s noticed. The only thing that happened was my dad asked me to smile more. I did. And he thought everything was fine. I’m so close to breaking. I think to the point that I can’t hear anything. Just a faint buzzing sound. This shit is getting old. I don’t know how much longer I can last.
1 comment
let’s put it this way, friends aren’t true friends if they won’t accept you for who you are. as for the pressure, I’ve felt it. My mom was a ‘straight A student’… then she dropped out of college because she was a fucking dumbass. -_- Now magically I’m going to be just like her and drop out like a failure and work at the post office. Sure. I just ignore that shit. You should too. How hard you work is up to you. I wanted to go to college so I could get the fuck away from my high school life. It’s working so far. I like it a lot. I can show more of who I am three hours away from my parents. You don’t need straight A’s to further your future, or whatever. Go for a B average or something. Set goals for yourself. They can’t tell you how to live your life; your life isn’t much of their business. Try finding someone who is like you who you can talk to every day. I recommend someone who is there with you, in real life. It’ll make things so much easier.