i feel ugly inside, like i have nothing positive to offer the people of earth. all the wrong things bring me joy and the right things make me feel uncomfortable. i laughed at a disabled woman on saturday and it was the hardest and most enjoyable laugh that ive had in months. i look forward to other peoples misery and usually slink away from smiling faces and the stories behind them.
what am i? i dont believe in anything(angels, demons etc) so im just a disturbed human. ive been hurt to the point that other peoples hurt is all that i crave; hurt people hurt people. i want to die because there are no other monsters around. i poured my heart out to my best friend and all i got was “you dont know when youre gonna die”, basically dismissing me.
all i am is anger, a mutant even among the sad people of suicideproject. what am i doing here? all i want is death for everyone. i try to be good but it’s too much trying; it’s all forced for the benefit of those around me. i wish i had the stomach to do something awful but luckily i was born with the anxiety disorder failsafe; keeps me from doing anything real.
i live through breivik. i live through magnotta. i live through those that bring bloodshed and take innocence. i hate myself more than any other thing, this manifestation of my brain.(my brain? im a creation of the brain so it’s not mine; i’m its)
5 comments
If you don’t want to be a monster, why are you working so hard to be one? What’s so bad about being sadistic that it would bring you to a suicide site?
I think this all sounds very twisted, and not in the hollywood sense you’re going for.
hollywood? im canadian, not an inane american; i wasn’t “going” for anything. did you even read my post or just get offended because i made light of the deaths of others and decided to voice your indignation? whats so bad about being sadistic that you want to kill yourself? read my post asshole. dont ask me whats in the fridge when you can go check for yourself.im not trying to be a monster; it comes naturally and i dont know how to change that. theres no quick fix for subcriminal psychopathy
heck, theres no long term fix for what i am(too smart for my own good) lol whatever. i dont matter anyway; im not much of a consumer; i dont vote, i dont invest, have no property or mortgage, dont have a drivers license(im 26), no spouse or kids(afraid of strangers), no facebook or twitter or any social networking etc. i dont add much anything to western “civilization”(cause we’re all so civil right?) beyond the tax that they take out of my pay every couple weeks. im literally no one.
no, that’s why i’m the wastegawd. while others need to shoot up movie theatres and shopping centres to feel alive, im perfectly content just reading about it with my bag of popcorn, laughing as all monkeys the die. well, whille the deaths of overfed capitalists brings joy to my body, i take none in the senseless deaths of the syrians, or any of the middle easterns who have died fighting against opression
‘i look forward to other peoples misery and usually slink away from smiling faces and the stories behind them.’ I do understand this tphg. I am drawn to stories of misery of all types and ‘happy’ people do my head in. I don’t think this makes me either a sadist or a monster. Just someone who can readily relate to others’ suffering because I’ve been there myself a thousand times.
I think something similar of you too. We all seek identification, and some of us who think about our own death a lot are drawn to the deaths of others when we hear about them. Or is that just me and you, tphg??;) If so then I’m a monster too, and proud of it!!
Just my two cents. Zx
Fine, you’re stuck this horrible way and you are too powerless to change it. The way it’s just awful, you are bad, and I’m very sorry.
That’s the kind of response I’d give if I agreed with your post. Excuse me for getting offended when people trash themselves unnecessarily. It’s a personal thing for me.
You’re not a monster. They probably developed the label “criminal psychopath” back when they still gave lobotomies. I don’t advocate self-hate under any circumstances. I mean, this is twisted in the sense that you should try to untangle all these thoughts and reach some kind of balance.
People used to call me a self-centered, bad person, and when I voice my opinion they still do. Fuck ’em. I don’t need people to think I’m benevolent or some shit.