I think about dying everyday of my life. I cut my wrists but was found and went through a long surgery and was taken to a mental hospital by a judge’s order. I only had to stay eleven days because I learned quickly to say and act like they wanted me to so I could go home. I caused such grief to my family that I hear about it every day. I was trying to be honest about how I thought about dying all the time. Now my family is tired of me being this way and my husband finally screamed, “Just do it and get it over with!” I felt shocked at the comment because of their past concern but I also felt glad that maybe they have gotten to a point where they don’t care and it felt like I now have permission. I have read alot about the exit bag and feel it is a perfect solution and can’t wait to try it. I overdosed last night on some muscle relaxers called somas. Not sure how many I took but I felt very drunk and actually quite happy. Later in the night tho, I somehow made it into the living room where my husband had fell asleep on the couch. I have no memory of any of this but he told me I woke him up and that I “took to much”. He wanted to call an ambulance but I begged him not to he said. He took me back to bed and sat up the rest of the night to watch and see if I were still breathing. I just feel very hung over this morning and embarrassed that I woke him up to stop me when thats not at all what I intended. I have read some posts here about the mind being willing but the body defending itself on some sort of auto pilot. I wonder if this is what happened or if I was never going to die any way so I went to him to just make sure I didn’t vomit or walk out of the house and land in jail or worse back in the nut house. My issue today as I sit here with a headache, is wondering is it true God will not forgive a suicide. How does anyone know that and if he is so dead set against it why doesn’t he just stop all suicides. Surely God can see that I am now a burden to myself and my family and should not live a life I do not embrace and that I am definately not thankful for. I don’t have the greatest reasons to die. I know this because of reading the writings of others on this website. I can’t put into words why I want to die, I just know that I want to be. Nothing is pleasurable anymore and it seems like permanent sleep is an amazing and beautiful thought to me. I scare myself because I have learned to walk around in society and fake being happy or amuzed. Worse, I am a teacher and wonder how I can effectively take care of other people but not be able to care about myself. It feels like I am living a fake and hypocritical life. Is this God’s plan for me? I can’t believe a just a loving God would have me walk through life miserable and praying daily for relief that does not come. God is all knowing, so God knows this life is fake. I am just doing what others do to appear normal even tho I know these thoughts are far from what other people think. I know all people at one point in their lives have at least asked is their life worth living but my thoughts a ever present and it seems like God would intervene if he cared. I don’t feel divine intervention and want to just end this and be done. Any way, how do we know that taking our own lives is a sin? I am not in a hurry, I know I can do this at any time I want but I am starting to feel that this is hurting my family with my serious but faild attempts. Will God forgive me, and if not why?
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You can listen to “mans” answer. ONLY God can answer. The real question is are you willing to gamble eternity?
I have never been a gambler. I know that there are many parts of the Bible that we reject as normal now. So what I am looking for is where does it say, concretely, that it is unforgivable. I have many days that even being in the pits of hell is better than living with the thoughts in my head because that is where torture really is. Maybe “man” does not have the answer, but has God decreed this a sin or is this just another way for people to do “the right” thing by coming up with this being sinful in hopes it will save some and also save some people from the guilt of not doing something to try and stop it.
He doesn’t stop all suicides because he’s not real. No, it’s not true. These are my beliefs though. It depends on what YOU believe in. Don’t listen to anybody else.
The truth is that none of us know what God thinks, or even if he exists at all…I have read several posts recently on this site where people describe their lives as ‘fake’, so it would seem that you are not alone there Sickofit. I wonder how many of the so-called ‘normal’ people that you see around you laughing and smiling etc are actually dying on the inside, just like you. After all if YOU can convincingly fake it, why do you suppose they can’t?
I say that as much for my own benefit as for yours by the way. I often have to fake it too, but am really not that good. My body language tends to give me away…head down, downcast eyes, hunched into myself, unable to speak properly etc.
This world does kind of force us to fake it to some degree. Because all human beings crave and need acceptance, belonging. We’re social animals. And if we were to be too upfront and open to the wrong people (about wanting to die), we’d run a high risk of being rejected and excluded, and it’s hardwired into us to avoid that at all costs.
I wish you the very best hon. Zx
I apparently am very bad at expressing my thoughts clearly…..
What I am trying to say is you can listen to “man” (IE Me, Louise, Cali, whomever). OUR opinion may make you feel better, but only GODS opinion counts. I know what my opinion is, but it really does not matter. For every “thou shall not kill” posting you can get just as many “he isnt real” postings. Proves nothing.
God gave us free will. It is your choice. So I repeat – how much of a gambler are you?
Yeah, I see your point and just figured out I have asked an unanswerable question. Even tho I am not a gambler, the answer has to come from me. I lean to the belief that God can’t be so cruel. I have read at least 6 quotes from this website that “God only gives you what you can handle”. So I think that is my new question…Can I handle this? No, I cannot, so God must be ok with my solution. In the end I guess, as I usually do, I will just assume the worst and say if I do this I WILL spend eternity in hell and I will have to become ok with that.
“I lean to the belief that God can’t be so cruel”
really?!? – I beg to differ … see Noah, Flood … and sodom and Gomorra stories … oh … and let us not forget god letting satan “have his way” with job
yeah … no, god is pretty heartless … if you believe in such things … but I don’t, so they’re just fairy tales.
tinker dawg
If God only gives people what they can handle, the question becomes redundant because no one would ever commit suicide.
Dear sickofit,
You say you can’t handle your life but you ARE handling it! You are a teacher and that is a wonderful thing, but sometimes stressful. Is it possible you are going through a midlife crisis? I think you should do some reading on what a midlife crisis is all about and you might find that that is exactly what you are going through. Suicide is definitely NOT the answer. God gives us free will but that does not mean that you can go around and do things that you know are wrong, and you do know that suicide/killing is VERY wrong. Do not even consider it as a viable option! You are in alot of pain just like millions of people. My thoughts on suicide are that the problems that your soul is facing in this lifetime will follow your soul into what comes next; therefore you must work hard to resolve your issues here and now or they will never go away and you will be facing the same things in what comes next for your soul. It is a huge mistake to think that God will justify your decision to take it upon yourself and kill yourself when you KNOW that that is His decision to make. Please re-focus your energy! You seem very intelligent and you have alot to offer this world 🙂
Kat,
I get what you are saying. I get this may be only a part of the problems that come with being alive. I am trying very hard to see reasons to stay but I still constantly think about the relief I could feel if I quit hanging on. The only peace my mind I get is to lay down quietly and think about how the nothingness of death is so much more appealing than the nothingness of living. I am already a ghost, I float through all situations saying and doing exactly what is expected of me. My job as a teacher in some ways feeds my need to help others, you would think that that alone would help me see that life is worth living but it does not. I question my competency to work with children while I am feeling this way. I find it a big conflict of interest (let me just say I DO NOT have any need or want to cause anyone harm, only myself) to teach children about the wonderful and amazing phenomenons happening all around us, but then get in my car and cry because I had to go through another day. I wake up every morning and I am buried in the sadness that I am still here. I know I am no different than the millions around me that are also drowning in depression. In this case there is no solace in numbers, it only makes me feel that it is in deed hopeless, especially since there are so many that are afflicted by this. I have thought about your belief that this life with these problems must be resolved or I could be doomed to re live them or be a soul with no peace. Still I cry because I am still here. If I could die of a broken heart, I would already be dead. I feel I should be the master of my own destiny and have a dignified death, where others may never understand but should respect. I feel a large burden of guilt on wanting to leave behind several good people in my life but I believe with all my heart that if they felt the pain I have mentally, they would be compassionate and let me go. I think that the people around me that give me advice on living must never had this much despair. I sometimes let my mind float and day dream about permanent sleep when they try to tell me all I have to be thankful for how I should not take my blessings for granite and how I am damaging the people around me. I can tell that you are a very caring person and for you any loss of life is a tragedy, i think that way too, except for my own. I feel like I cannot sufficietly tell others about this abyss I am in, and now find myself tired of trying to convince others that there ARE things worse than death. So in the end, because there is no other way to say it, I am SICKOFIT.
“It depends on what YOU believe in. Don’t listen to anybody else”
true
the problem is we’ve been trained to look for approval to have the conviction what we’re doing is good, right etc .. it happens every fucking day .. what if there are no such things as good, evil, right, wrong etc once you’re out of this world ? what if life is just about experience ?
my motto: just because the majority of people walk a certain walk doesn’t mean that walk will work for you