Just very sad..

Just want to get this of my chest, i am suicidal, have been for about 6 months now. Feels like im grasping at straws here.

This is the story. I grew up in a home with alot of conflict and negative energy, but also with alot of love and care. There where specially one very grave voilent episode when i was a child, and also other incidentes, but not of so grave character. Dispait of this me and my siblings grew up and did very good in school and sports, but i don´t think any of us was and still are (naturally) unaffected by the nature of our upbringing. We are intelligent and honest people. The values in our home was good, but the examples was not always so.

Ok, going on, in my mid teens my parents divorced, unfortunately this happened in a way with much trauma and conflict for me and the rest of the family. One of my parents moved away, and we lost the good connection we had, this was a very important person and guide in life for me. This was a great sorrow for me.

After the divorce there was alot of conflit and negative energy, over the phone, name calling, anger, frustration, grief and so on. It ended up with that i didn´t have contact with one of my parents in three years.

I decided to contact my parent again after three years, and we had some time togheter before this person decided to commit suicide. I was in my early twenties. This was ofcourse a big trauma for me and my family.

I tried to continue life after this, and i did very good for several years. Took a good education, really turned myselfe into a decent athlete, had a nice steady relationship, home and the things that follows this.

But all the time i was haunted by reocurring depression, some social fobia. This was a problem for me in my social life and at work. I functioned fine, but i never felt that i had the chance to show my abilities because of these problems.

After some years of this, heavy work load, alot of sports and constantly trying to solve my problems i just break down. I lay months home at the sofa in bad condition. But after this time i managed to find some new values in my life, i managed to accept myselfe much more and really clean up my mental and physical patterns. For the first time in my life i feel that i can be myselfe and follow my dreams, THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD, personal power and freedom.

But then i do some very bad decisions, things go to fast. Me and my significant other decideds to end our relationship, i engage in a new relationship way to early after this. I do alot of bad decisions, and it ends up with me ending up in a very very bad situation and almost lose my life.

Now i feel that i have lost everything for nothing, all my work and struggle for a better life seems for nothing. I have no significant other, no house, no car, no job, no sports, i have constant physical and mental pains, i am humiliated (because of my bad decisions and choices), my self esteem is on a new record low. I really feel like just dying.

I don´t sit around and cry asking myselfe why this happened, i know why this happened. I went to fast forward, didn`t have enough patience, i made some very bad decisons and hurt people i love in the process. Now a pay the consequences for my mistakes, big time.

I am also angry at myselfe for not taking better care of myselfe regarding job situation and how i prioritized different aspecets of my life. I am angry for not getting help earlier.

I miss all the good things i had in my life, my significant other (i miss her so bad, her touch and her love.. man, some tears are coming when i write this stuff), i miss my sport and all my friends there, the relationship to my family.

The thing is that i don´t look at myselfe in a good way anymore, because of my bad decisions, i hurt people i love and done mistakes. I KNOW it is human to make mistakes, but this is so fucking bad for me, and it is so for nothing. I get a bit carried away now, well.

I am really considerating suicide, i am in so much pain, and have been for a long time now. I am tired of this life, i have worked so hard to get a good life, but when i do i fuck everything up. I think this time it might be too much for me to handle, i have been through some storms before, but i don´t know about this. Everything feels so wasted and so for nothing. Sitting here now, energy problems, self esteem problems, physical and mental suffering… I feel like i have wasted this opportunity for nothing, and i really did my best to get things right, but just fucked up badly in the end anyways.