I will never forget this as long as I live. I was 17, I’m almost 21 now, and I was taking a shower one Sunday night. It was June 7, 2009. Two days after my prom, and a month after my boyfriend, who I was madly in love with, broke up with me. I was numb. I stood underneath the water and kept raising the temperature high and higher, burning myself with scalding hot water. I felt like my whole body was withering away, and the pain was magical. I felt as if i could finally feel something again other than darkness and eternal agony.
I can’t remember much because I think I chose to block a lot of it from my memory. Pieces of it are burned into my brain and as much as I would like to I don’t think I’ll ever forget what happened next. It was like I was possessed. My subconscious took over and I plugged the drain, and fell to my knees. I heard voices in my head saying “Do it! You won’t!” over and over again, to the point where everything from the “real world” was silent. All I could hear was thousands of voices screaming at me, taunting me. I shoved my head under the water and held it there for about 30 seconds, until the image of my then best friend popped into my head. The funny thing about all of that was that I didn’t see a single member of my family, just one person who I held near and dear to my heart for always putting up with my bipolar disorder and outrageous suicidal thoughts. So I pulled my head out of the water, slumped into my bed, and cried myself to sleep, as cliche as that sounds.
That was three years ago. Today, after a year of therapy and being on a high dosage of Lithium and anti-psychotics, I’m fine. I’m happy, living life to the fullest, and getting my bachelor’s degree. This may not be a sad, or recent, story about my brush with death like I think most people suspect, but it’s my story. This is my success story. I can’t reiterate this enough, to anyone who is feeling suicidal: it does get better. I hope this helps just one person realize that suicide isn’t the answer, and that there is a bright and happy world to explore.
To anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you. And to anyone who feels like this is the end for them, you are not alone and we love you.