It’s no matter. Everything, nothing. Please somehow show me how to change myself, to make things better – because so far my efforts are merely in vain. My own mind teases me – “Oh hey, you’re good, you’re great, things are going to work now!”. Give it a few days, if that, back to: “Fuck!! I hate myself! I hate all this shit! I could give TWO FUCKING SHITS about EVERYTHING! I AM DONE!”. Release the beast, the demon, the real me from its temporary hiding place, or maybe cage. Too bad, so sad – it can’t stay there.
I really don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’ve got shit to do, people to talk to, random shit – all for what? Damnit. I can say I don’t care, and I don’t, but I do – Â I have to. Â Cause if I TRY to care for people, and TRY to care about things aren’t things going to get better? No, I guess not! WHAT AM I TO DO? I just don’t get it… Why?
Look: Okay, nothing is wrong with my life really. Few friends, okay family, a gf. Except I stay away from my friends and ignore them, my family well I can do without I guess they can just bother me, gf well I thought she’d change me but I don’t think so. Everything that has been maybe “good” I see simply as a temporary distraction. Does that mean life needs to be all a distraction to be worth living? Short lived distractions? I mean fuck, really…
I’m lost, I’m confused. I don’t want to do anything, to care about anyone or anything. I want to lay down and just die. Cause well what’s the point of being here in the first place?! Oh, that’s right – there isn’t a good one, at least for me. Yes yes: “Oh things will change! You don’t know! There’s a lot of time for you and for things to change” – no. I’m tired of waiting, tired of being a mere rag doll for life and people to toss around, to tear me apart. And besides I couldn’t bring myself to do anything in life anyway!
So… there’s apathy. Friends, shrug them off. Family, eh they bother me anyhow. Gf, I dont know…but I’m just going to be bringing her back down. I’m sorry! But I can’t change! I AM ME. I AM BROKEN! They all will be better off without me. I have to cope with the fact that yes it will hurt them all. I’m SORRY, I CAN’T GO ON LIVING FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!! I can’t find a way to live for myself, nothing works!
A part of me wants to say, “Fuck look at these people…god damn I have to stick around and try EVEN more don’t I!?!?!? Damnit throw me in some psych ward! Here look at my cuts, my scars, how fucked up I am and toss me in there!”. But a larger part of me just constantly tells me: “Look you’re done. You tried. Fuck it all. Nothing is left. I can’t give a shit about anything REALLY and TRULY. You’re one BIG fuck up! You’re not worth it. Life isn’t worth this shit!”
I’m sorry for the rant, but I don’t know. I’ll probably keep ranting, incoherently. I’m surprised if someone actually reads it. and god fucking damnit, no it’s not attention I want, but this is my form of SCREAMING!!
4 comments
Things aren’t going to change for you unless you try and change them. If you keep thinking with that attitude you will stay like this. Being in a psychiatric ward is probably one of the worse possible places to be. Really. It sucks. Granted it does help, but sometimes it doesn’t. I bet no one ever said that you had to live for them. You don’t have to live for anyone but yourself. I mean you should do what your parents tell you to do, but normally that’s just with school. I completely get where you’re coming from about your family bothering you and being able to do without them. I feel the exact same way. But well if I didn’t have my parents I would probably be out on the streets, so until I get out of college I will be putting up with them. Really.. life actually can be prettyyyy awesome. You just have to find the right people to make it that way. Just do what makes you happy and I know there is something that has to make you happy besides sulking around. I’m not trying to be a ***** or a know it all. I’m just giving you my opinion because it actually does work.
I know, but you know what I don’t see what to change anymore. What is there to change? My attitude, my personality, my outlook on life? Uh huh… Right. I’ve tried that. It stays maybe “positive-ish” for a little while, the little tease that my mind gives me – but it goes, quickly. Trust me I’ve tried that, and hell advise the same all the time. As for the psychiatric ward, well that’s my drastic measure – ’cause everything else is SHIT. And yes actually people have said that, multiple times. I cannot live for myself, there is nothing to live for. Parents? No. I have college again in a few more weeks, and again I’m dreading it. I’d rather drop it all and die, no thanks it’s not for me. Agreed I would be on the streets having a shittier material life without them. I never said they were complete shit and I hate them, yes I know they do things like give me food, shelter, and other crap. Life cannot be “prettyyy awesome” – I have been in situations that are nice, but nothing lasts and it’s just not worth it. Right people? Lol. No. I thought I had found the right people, but nope – apparently not. Stay away from all friends. Girlfriend is probably perfect, but yet I don’t feel better. It’s not that they’re horrible or I hate them, I just still don’t feel better. Yes I realize that’s not their job, but still. There is NOTHING that makes me happy. Trust me I’ve looked, and I’ve lost interest. Hell I’ve barely had interest in anything my entire life.
Thanks for the reply anyhow. Grats on it working for you.
I’ve often wondered why we live, and I agree with the sentiment that we only live for short distractions from the shithole that is life. But, Hey, enough distractions, and a shithole isn’t too bad. Thats how I keep living; I keep myself busy.
(Random checking and saw your post…sorry so late) I’ve often thought that too, it really does seem like it’s all a distraction. In the end, pointless. Distract yourself from the shithole that we call life. Enough distractions? That’s debatable…and if you can find them, or care to. Busy is what I’m not.