I’m not suicidal, exactly. Â I don’t want to kill myself. Â I wish God would just do it for me. Â I wish I had been at the Batman screening and been killed. Â Never seeing it coming… my mind on the movie instead of my misery– then GONE. Â That’s a scenario that I can’t make happen myself. Â No one would blame me. Â No one would hate me for leaving them. Â But I’d be out of my misery.
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That is a really interesting perspective, and it actually happened (from the news footage I saw of the victims, esopecially the ones’ who were celebrating their birthdays).
I must admit, at points, I’ve imagined a random 3rd party coming into my life and just ending it. Though, I mainly looked at it from the notion of not being as necessary as I was to those once important to me; therefore, decreasing my overall value of living and increasing my overall value of post-dying.
As I mentioned to the “Contemplate” post and one of my blogs, there’s no way to know what happens post-death. Is it better or worse? There’s no real way to know, though we will also face the inevitable end regardless of what we do in the present.
There is literally no point in speeding up or gradually going through the process of dying—you’ll get there either way, and will have absolutely no idea of what to expect or how to react post-death.
That’s just it, though. I’ve been alienating my family for about a year now. Not entirely consciously at first. Now… it’d be better if they didn’t care about me. It’d be better if they realized how much simpler and how much less drama would be in their lives without me.
It doesn’t matter what the after-life is like. Like you say, no matter what I do, I’ll end up there one way or another. Continuing on with this life just seems stupid. I’ve accomplished squat. I’m nothing but a useless burden to everyone I know.
I’ve contemplated just disappearing, too. Starting a new life somewhere and getting my shit together as much as I can. Then maybe I could come home and be useful. But who’s to say they’d want me back after realizing how good it is without me?
Yes, NeedtoVent, I echo uni687’s sentiments. And now note that he doesn’t always swear in his posts lol. Nice to be diverse, isn’t it uni! You’ll have to sign yourself off ‘Profane Uni’, like Dawg does with his posts, or we won’t know what to expect!
I’ve occasionally screamed at whoever I was hanging out with ‘Kill me! I’ve had enough!’ I meant it too…I would love nothing better than to be absolved of the responsibility of ‘offing’ myself (to use the medical term lol) and just let someone else do it.
Other times I’ve longed for the bus to crash (I’m not talking about ‘the bus’, but the bus) or me to be sat next to the suicide bomber on the Underground. Or fantasised about meeting my murderer while walking through the park over the road.
I guess you could just say ‘I’ve been there’.
Zx
I wish I was at the batman premiere… Oh if only 🙁